Hi all, mother in law stuff here to unpack. I used to have a nice relationship with my MIL. We went to the UK to visit her and because I confided in her about our marital issues (she told me to call her mum and tell her anything - my own mum has past), she made us feel very unwelcome. She told me I wasn't good enough for her son and completely humiliated me in front of their family, ignoring me all Christmas day and encouraging the family to do the same. It's been very painful to move on from. She said ghastly things about her own son (my partner) and made the excuse that she was just feeling in pain from arthritis.
My question is, is it ok for her to now treat my son differently? My son from a previous relationship. She used to treat both boys the same (her biological grandchild and my son from previous relationship). Though she's in England and we are over in Australia, I still can't help but feel like she's trying to get at me by sending my youngest lavish gifts for Christmas and lengthy cards above how he's amazing grandson (he's four), and additionally sending my older boy small and cheap gifts and very stilted "hi and by" card messages. I know I sound ungrateful and petty as any gift is a generous gesture. It's just that given she used to treat my older boy the same way and now doesn't, she is being rude. It kills me that my son is involved in her stupid games. To give an example of how her nasty brain works she recently sent me a birthday card with a very obviously wrong variation of my name. Was actually kind of funny.
Do I speak up and ask her to not send anything for my big boy at all, or do I suck it up and let her send them unequal things and feign gratitude. I will mention my partner things she's an innocent old lady and I'm paranoid. He's never stuck up for us, even when she was shouting in my face and name calling.
Am I just holding on to past hurts and being paranoid or is this something that needs to be stopped? I know we should stand up to bullies but my older boy doesn't care or notice because my partner hides the gifts before he can see the younger boys massive haul and his impersonal gift. Just sad because he used to really really love her like a grandma. I also think of I react, am I just giving her what she wants? Isn't the best revenge just moving on and being happy and ignoring it?
Mother in law head games
Mother in law head games
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
4 Replies
You're not being petty at all.
My brother and I used to get the shittiest gifts from our non bio grandparents, while our sister (bio grandchild) was spoilt rotten.
That really hurts a child but we were treated that way from the get go, it must be extra painful for your son as he was once treated equally. Your partner really needs to stand up to his mother and tell her this is unacceptable, I would not tolerate this shit from my parents at all!
As a side note, don't ever confide in your MIL about your marriage issues. Even the most supportive MIL will have trouble remaining unbiased.
My mother in law used to do the same kind of thing but all my kids were her bio grand kids, she just had her favourite. I was tempted to refuse gifts until she could even them up but I went one better. The two kids she would choose to give something cheap and nasty for I would replace with a better gift. Put her card on it, "Wow NaN and Pop got you this, isn't it lovely". Even tagged her in a few posts "Thank you so much Nan, Josh LOVES what you got him!" Kids don't get pulled into the little games and she can't work out why the kid loves the crap present or nobody has noticed how differently she's treating them. Sometimes you have to beat them at their own game.
Petty me would “return to sender” I’d then send my own card that says if you can’t treat them all equally don’t “treat” them at all 🖕
#pettybutwouldfeelgood
I don’t play mind games. I’m a big believer that all kids are treated the same regardless of the situation. I’d send ALL the gifts back to her.. and write not at this address return to sender.
I definitely wouldn’t be going to visit her again that’s for sure. Send hubby by himself if he wants to visit.. I’d never stop him from seeing his family. I wouldn’t let the kids go either until she learnt to respect you all as a family.