So I’ve been seeing someone for about 18mo. I love him. Sex is absolutely amazing! 85-90% of the time things are great. However. We both have kids. Me two he has one. All close in ages. They get on well. But he’s super strict on his just as much as he is with mine. I think it’s overkill. I’m all for discipline and manners. But he goes on and on. To the point mine almost cry and when we get home (don’t live together) they tell me they don’t want to see him anymore. If he just said hey don’t do that or do this it’s be fine. But he goes on and on about it. They’re only young. Both under 8. He says I do too much for them and they’ll grow up to be lazy self entitled shits if I don’t jump on them now
He can also be ‘bossy’ with me at times too. Getting cranky if I don’t answer him correctly. He’s told me that I need to be onboard with him in regards to kids discipline for us to work. I just don’t know if I can. And the fact my kids don’t enjoy being around him hurts my heart. Do I bite the bullet and just end it??
Over Bossy step parent
Over Bossy step parent
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
17 Replies
I don't mean to be rude but the red flags are beating you over the head right now.
The man sounds like a textbook dictator. I'd be ending it before your children are left with lasting emotional damage from his behaviour.
Yes you do. End it. So happy to see that you have not moved in with this guy. This is why people should wait until moving in with someone, I bet he wasn't like this at the beginning.
You just end it.
It will never get better, and your relationship with your children will be destroyed if you stay with him.
You put your kids welfare first.
This has honestly triggered me a little.
I had a step-parent like this when I was growing up. That relationship didn't last longer than a year or two but each time our father allowed his girlfriend to berate us unnecessarily or over discipline, it chipped away at the trust we had in our dad.
It was like "why is he letting her treat us that way?".
Eventually we learned that our dad did not have our backs, we learned he wasn't our safe person.
Don't let that be what your children take from your "great 85% of the time" relationship.
How can you say it’s great 85 to 90 percent of the time when the most fundamental thing, the way he treats your precious kids, is all wrong.
He’s mean/cruel to your kids and they already don’t like him and they don’t live with him yet (thank god).
Is the sex really important, considering this guy could damage your kids self esteem?
I hate people for their natural life if they look at my kids the wrong way lol and you “love” someone who treats them like that? I don’t understand.
Yes You End It.
This is how toxic relationships work - they’re ‘amazing’ enough that we imagine if we can fix that 5% it’ll be perfect. But they’re not a split, they are a whole, and accepting that 5% because that’s part of the package is just is not worth it. We should be taught this about relationships in school, it’s not a good way to think.
I’ve been in an abusive relationship, took much more than I should, I get it.
But I could never be in a relationship where I’m treated well, but my kids aren’t.
No way.
It’s also new and they don’t live together, she isn’t that intertwined yet not to see it.
In fact she documents it in this post, so no excuses if she stays.
Agree
Yeap save yourself the heartache and end it now.
My ex was bossy with my kids too - not right away but very quickly into the relationship would start disciplining them and would continuously harp on and on and on - at times this included very loud comments said to me but directed at them (but not to them) knowing full well that could hear.
It actually got to the point I ended up doing ALL the household chores for the kids because it was easier for me to do it than cop his attitude about how lazy they are.
The crunch come - when not long after moving in together his parents visited and compliment me on how great my kids were with household task. Each child had a job to do each night that they alternated daily.
Basically:
1 unload dishwasher,
1 washed/loaded dish washer,
1 dried the dishes that didn’t get washed in the dishwasher
1 swept the floor.
Some small fights but over all job done.
12mths later they came back and commented to me in private that the kids did no jobs and wondered why.
I embarrassing had to tell them it was easier for me to do it all due to his (let’s call it what it was) abuse each night. Having a go at the kids (or me) for missing dishes or not sweeping properly (even though it was fine) or forgetting to turn the dishwasher on. Stupid stuff and given the ages of the kids I never expected perfect myself, just a job done well.
I ended it not long after as I couldn’t handle the crap anymore from him and my kids mental health and self esteem started to suffer due to being in tears frequently due to his abuse.
Uh nope that’s a dealbreaker. He can be amazing in every other way, it just will never make up for that 10%. Ask the kids who don’t want to go back. It’ll only grate you more and more as time goes on.
Bite the bullet and end it. There is discipline and control. He is controlling. In Other words do what I think is right and agree and everything will be fine. If not it won’t work 🙄 end it for your kids sake. I am all for discipline too but this is over board and all about control. They are your kids. Do not allow anyone to do this to you or them. End it and enjoy the time with your kids. They are coming home upset. Don’t allow this. Stand up to him and do this for your kids.
He won't change.
End it now for your children's sake.
Yea if the kids don't want to be around him well I'd be questioning
this relationship
You & your children need to be happy
He sounds like a control freak
Your question is basically do you choose him or your kids. You choose your kids. End of story.
So you're going to linger in this relationship because the sex is great....meanwhile your kids are suffering and looking to you to advocate for them....so advocate for them!!! You are their mother and you're supposed to be their safe place, why are you even letting him descipline them- that's you're job, not his!!! And the fact that you let him call them horrible names suggests to me that your relationship with this man is already very much unevenly tipped on the scale (and it's not in your or your children's favour!!!). There are lots of men out there who have the capacity to give you great sex if it's that important to you but don't let that be the reason you compromise you're children's mental health and hapiness. Until they can protect themselves, you're kids come first (always!!!).
It won't change. It will get worse. Hes demanding YOU need to be on the same page as HIM when it comes to the kids despite it hurting your children and you. Hes not worth your time.
Tell him you would like to have a discussion around the kids behavior and consequences, he is right, you both need to be on board, but as a couple you both need to have input and come to a compromise that you are both comfortable with. If he reacts badly to that, there is your answer.