What would you do if your husband started to resent you?
I was diagnosed with bowel cancer late last year. Prior to this I've been sick for 2 years (was from the cancer but didn't know) so he has taken on a lot in that time.
Now I'm on chemo and our life is hard. Everyday is hard.
We have 2 kids one mid-teen and a 7 year old. And we're trying so hard to keep their lives as normal as possible.
My husband is at the point now where I feel he resents me. Yes I'm sick, yes I'm a horrible wife and mother right now. Yes I am not who I was before and I probably won't be again. Yes I spend most days just trying to keep my head above water.
He's starting to get mean. When my feet have a flare from the chemo if we're at the shops he'll start walking off really fast because he knows I can't walk that fast. Then he'll huff and puff when he realises I'm not right there.
He also now will only eat processed foods when he chooses what to cook for dinner knowing I can't eat them because of my bowel. He gets really mad if he's cooked for a few nights when I can't if I ask for vegetables because he doesn't particularly like them. Like it's not just me he's punishing it's our kids too.
I don't have any family or friends because he didn't like them so I'm literally alone except for his family. I don't have anyone to talk to, or ask for help to relieve some of the burden I've put on him.
7 Replies
Piss him off and get your family and friends back now. He is a wacko. Please pack your clothes and go stay with family and get rid of him.
You are not a horrible wife and mother. He is a nasty piece of work and I do T blame your family and friends. Please get rid of the wrong one and get the right people back in your life to respect, love and support you. Sending positive and healing vibes.
So he's kicking you when you are down. I want you to think about reducing stress. Meaning if he is not being supportive, is there someone else you can stay with who will be for a while. Or any services that can offer support. If he is struggling then he needs support too and there are carer support networks he can link in with that may help to shift his view. Do not keep struggling alone xx I would suggest starting by ringing cancer council and ask for advice re available support services.
You need to get rid of him
Don’t allow him to control you. You need to get out, so you can be happy and get healthy and strong. He is unhealthy for you. You don’t have family or friends because he doesn’t like them? That doesn’t mean you have to stop seeing them. That’s his problem not yours. Go get your family and friends back in your life and get him out of yours. Focus on your health which is the most important thing in your life right now and your kids. Get rid of the thing that drags you down, you don’t need him in your life. You need your family and friends who will be there for you. Never allow anyone to stop that. What a selfish and evil prick to cook such food knowing that you can’t have it. He is actually sick in the head. Who could do such a thing to a wife who has been through what you have.
Similar story to me. I have 6 kids. It was always up to me to keep the house clean, washing etc. While I worked. Then I got sick. He took me to 2 chemo infusions, a friend took me to 2, I took myself to the rest because he couldn't cope.
Now that I have been diagnosed for the second time in 5 years, he walked out and left me with everything to deal with, the debt, the animals, the bills, the mess he left behind, my sick son whith chronic heart disease... because he couldn't handle the stress... some men don't deserve the things we do for them, it sounds like yours is in that category as is mine.
Had he sought any support?
It's no excuse for his behaviour however people can do the stupidest shit when they're in over their head. This at least will tell you if he's burnt out or just an asshole.
You are not a bad wife or mother. You're just sick at the moment. We're human, we get sick!
There's a few things I'd like for you to look at.
Stop trying to keep everything normal for the kids. It places unnecessary pressure on both of you. Get in touch with Canteen.
Organise some simple food ideas.
Order yourself pre-made meals that are non-processed foods. Have a little freezer stash of plain chicken thighs and steam fresh veggies. Get some salad bowls delivered from Woolies. If they are eating crap put a chicken thigh in the oven and steam a bag of veggies. Or have a salad. We're coming into cooler weather so this is the perfect time to put some soups, stews etc in the freezer. Get a friend or family member to help (they're not gone, they're just waiting for you to come back to them. NEVER give up important people in your life for 1 person) make some pre-prepared meals.
Lastly, while he's like this. Don't go to the shop with him. Or anywhere else that he carries on if you can't keep up. He's a big boy, he can go solo. If he can't be trusted with the grocery money do a click and collect order and give him $20-30 in cash to buy him and the kids their processed treats while he's there collecting the shopping.
I hope you reach out to your family. They'd be mortified that you're going through this.
I’d reach out to family and friends… whether he likes it or not… you need a support network around you. It’s a lot for a couple to go through without people around to support. The thing that worries me is that he didn’t like your friends and family… and you seem isolated from them. This can be part of emotional abuse. Seek out therapy, family and old friends… build up friendships that you’ve let go of…