Hi all
I’ve tried to write this a few times but I’m such a positive, non complainer so this hasn’t been easy.
I’m a mum to 2 gorgeous kids, 9 and 6. I was a single mum for 5 years since my youngest was only 9 months. My ex is absent from the kids, does zero and pays nothing. I’ve managed to get used to this but without going into it, it’s been absolute hell. Financially, as well as some behaviour issues with the kids.
Anyhow, happy story, I’m 2 years deeply in love with a new man (I actually knew him for years but never spoke!!!) and he and I are raising the kids together. He is such a patient, calm soul (also a dad) …. Me, not so much. I am in childcare so at work I’m a calm, patient professional. At home, I lose my cool like THAT. My kids are very heightened and can also fly off the handle, probably something they have learnt from watching me do it all alone.
I have worked so so hard to be a good mum and the best me. I exercise, eat well (when I can!) but with absolutely NO BREAKS from the kids, I’m experiencing insane burn out. I can’t get on top of it. My management role is my passion and I thrive, but it means children on me 24/7. I live for the 10 min drive to work and that is it.
No money for babysitter. My mother tries but is not well enough to have both overnight. I find my head spinning and as I said, despite years of dedicating all my best efforts to the girls (and would again and again and again) when they flip, they flip. I tried to seek help for my eldest years ago (the most beautiful girl but big emotions) and the psych shrugged and said “what do you want? I can call it ADD if you want to medicate her?” I STORMED OUT. He was a pig!!!!
I’m just lost. How can I look after me? :( I want to have times alone with my partner. We make it work so well and he constantly reminds me our time watching our shows cuddled up when the kids are in bed is our time… he’s just beautiful.
I love and adore my kids and that goes without saying. But I feel so frustrated I can never ever be alone. How do you cope?
In addition, please don’t say I’m lucky to actually have a man. I have done this very much alone for a long time and I know how fortunate I am. But I’ve also tried to write this post so many times out of fear I’d be misunderstood or seen as ungrateful. Just need support and any advice xxx
5 Replies
You need to go back to the child
Psychologist. Get a care plan from your Dr and get your subsided visits. Request a female this time. Get them to help your daughter through this. Don’t give up because one man was a pig. They aren’t all like that.
Find a teenager in the area through someone you know that can do baby sitting. Most are around $15-20 per hour. Between you and your partner you might be able to get someone for a few hours. Check market place etc for ads. You know the drill with safety and all, so you know what to look for.
My husband and I are the same. I’ve always had my kids alone and he worked away. I have my days where I’m so exhausted and over it all. My kids are getting older now which is starting to get easier to leave them at home. Maybe take turns one at your mums one night and one another. They need time with her also, they could help her.
You are def not ungrateful. You are at your wits end and burnt out. I’ve always been taught that mothers don’t need breaks, we choose to have kids. It stuck with me for a long time. My kids never left my side, no child care they don’t go to sleep overs they are always with me.
Mothers do need breaks, it’s exhausting! I say and do things that I don’t mean when I get to this point also because I am so drained. My child sees a psychologist and she’s fantastic.
It’s hard work being at parent but you are also working in child care and around kids all day, everyday. I would go insane.
It’s exhausting, and I don’t know. Here’s what I’ve got so far - you join a sport and take them along but they sit in the field or stands, and you do your thing. Join a gym with crèche, some have 2 hours free time you can leave and go to the shops/ centre. After school care and don’t pick them up until close time. Just go home and be alone.
Sleepovers with a friend. Line them both up for the same night, and in return have their friends over on the same night so you do it in one.
Babysitter, use a friends teen if you’re more comfortable. Maybe your mum could do a night which is easy dinner, bedtime story and sitting at yours while you go to the movies or out for dinner and a few drinks. And if nothing else, take a sickie from work or book leave and just time for yourself that way.
I find it’s really important to have something to look forward to, and once you’ve recharged it doesn’t actually always have to be without them. Even a night away is nice when they go in the pool all day and sleep early. Just need to know when that next break is coming.
The babysitter could be someone she works with. At least she will know they have the relevant working with children checks done, and what they are like with children.
Maybe analysis your behaviour and the way you parent your children and work on understanding if their behaviour is learnt or inherited. The answer maybe it might be both.
The psychologist isn’t wrong? You need to be clear on your intention. Do you want a label? Do you want to medicate? Do you want a diagnosis for support at school?
Maybe organise to babysit for a friend with kids and swap roles.
Maybe a career change is warranted?
Maybe seek out child support through the child support agency!
Get the kids referred to a paediatrician and go from there.
Then take some time for YOU! You get time with your partner but it seems to me that you need some self care