*CHEATING AND SEXUAL CONTENT*
My partner cheated but is constantly saying he didn't. I'd like to know If yall would consider this cheating or not plz, incase I'm wrong.
We have had a rocky last 5 years. Lived together On n off. The last time he decided to live with me and his 7 year old son (we've been together 10 years with the last 5 being super rocky), he had his house sitting there empty and my best friend became homeless with her 7 year old daughter. So we offered for her to stay there for upto 6 months to sort herself out. We had agreed that I deal with everything about the house since its my friend and nothing inappropriate could happen with those 2 to cause us more relationship issues. She started telling me 1 thing so I had a go at him and he messaged her behind my back and she told him something completely different. I was pissed at her for playing games with my relationship and him for going behind my back. Then 2 days after that he left the house in a state where I couldn't get our son to school as I'm disabled and couldn't get his clothes from under the heavy sh*t he put on top of them. It was the first time he's missed school when he wasn't sick. I lost my sh*t telling him he's irresponsible and we can't live together if he can't respect my needs as a disabled person. I was also mad he went behind my back with my friend. I told him he needs to leave the house for a while so me and his son aren't impacted by his choices to leave the house in a state where I can't function.
Now when my friend moved into his house, he promised he would go stay elsewhere if he needed to leave my place for us to have space, such as 1 of several work houses that hes used before - hes a farmer. Of course he moved straight in with her. He bad mouthed me and said I'm hard to love coz I expect him to spend atleast 1 day doing something other than sitting next to me with phone games completely ignoring me to the point of not even acknowledging I spoke. He then invited her out to drink at his mates place, I'd been begging for literally 5 years for him to spend 1 day with me without his phone in his hand and he couldn't do it. Anyway they drank together, the other peeps there told me he was hitting on her all night coz he acted in ways he didn't act towards the other peeps. And on the way home he asked to f*ck her and stick it in her a*s a little and when she said no, he spent several minutes saying it's fine coz he doesn't love me anymore and I'm too hard to be with coz I won't let him live like he's single.
Both say that's where it ended but she also told me nothing coz she had a bf she was tryna fix a relationship with and then 5 days later she tried to blackmail my ex/bf with telling me what happened unless he gave his house to her for good. So I can't trust her word. He first said she just picked him up and dropped him off. Then it changed to she stayed and hung out the whole time. Then he said "first u think I'm cheating with the bosses wife and now you're best friend?!?! You're f*cking crazy" and less than half hour later he was telling me he tried to root her but she said no, coz she was currently blackmailing him. He only told me the truth coz she threatened to do so. The day after that happened, he came back to my house promising to spend time with me and fix things.
Meanwhile its been 6 months and he says he didn't cheat and it doesn't count coz she said no and he still hasn't spent a single day with me without his phone but expects me to believe he still loves me and cares about me.
Would u believe it? Do u think that's cheating? What would yall do?
I told my so called best friend to get out that week and she did and I've never spoken to her again and never will. I did indeed accuse him of cheating with the bosses wife coz every time she called after hours he would sit in his car and talk and any time he was at my house, he would say he should hide his car from the road coz someone will see it and tell his boss. Why would his boss care who he's rooting and romantically with if he's not dating 1 of them when they know about me and his son as we go to his work alot? So yeah I defs did accuse him of that. I defs did yell at him coz I was so hurt by his actions. It's now been 6 months and he's mad at me that I keep saying he cheated when I tell him how could he care when he cheated and still hasn't given me as much as he gave her when it's been 6 months with me since then and he was only with her for 3 days. Is it cheating? Or is it not coz I told him to leave for a bit so I could function for our son?
Thank you for your time
19 Replies
Woah. OK. Back alllll the way up. Only a few sentences in shows me that it doesn't matter if he cheated or not, you need to just end the misery and call it quits. On and off for 5 years? Nope, end it get on with your life. You also had to deal with your best friends tenancy so nothing would happen between them? That's no life to live if you have to constantly watch your husband and best friend so they don't cheat. That's where you should have ended it, the rest is them making a fool out of you.
A grown up relationship doesn’t consist of 5 years of being rocky. You hit rough patches, but this relationship is an absolute mess. I agree with other comment, you need to cut him out. He is your childs dad, and that is it. He moves back to his house, Don’t sleep with him, don’t run back to him, just let him be free and you be free too. You go and enjoy your life the way it should be enjoyed. He is a disrespectful Child, you deserve better
Honestly I read you’ve had a rocky five years and the rest doesn’t really matter. Cut him loose - you don’t need anymore rocky years. You’ll have a happy and peaceful life without him and the drama!
This is too much.
Your flogging a dead horse.
At this point it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong.
You need to move on.
There's one thing you can do right now to start putting this behind you.
Starting this minute, be your own best friend. I say this because, fucking hell, it doesn't seem like anyone else is stepping up. How are you still sane? Just reading this is a complete mind fuck. How are you surviving in it! Starting now. Stop being you and start being your own friend. What this does is force you to think what you'd advise your closest friend (and pretend here because you don't seem to have a real one to role model off) to do as these next days/weeks/months wear on. It's a way to fake it until you make it.
Second. Don't care if he cheated. Whether he did or not, he's not been honest this time so he won't be honest next time. It's ok to say you're done without proof of cheating. It's not meant to be so hard mate. Just be done with him. When he comes back to get his stuff have a third party there. Don't engage with him. He takes his stuff and he leaves. Don't mind the fear of the future, that is normal for big changes. Pay attention to that big sigh of relief when you get him out for good.
Third. Don't let that "friend" back in your life - ever. She does not have your back despite all you've done for her. I know for a fact if the partner of any of my friends came onto me I'd throat punch them and drag them by the ears to front my friend, and as she was going off I'd be the one booting his arse up and down the street. They would do it for me.
Starting today, you are that friend to yourself. Metaphorically start booting his arse the hell out of your life.
Keep us updated. When it's hard come back and post again. We're in your corner.
Yep definitely time to call this, enough is enough. Life isn’t supposed to be like that.
So you don’t speak to the so called best friend but you are still with him 🤦🏼♀️ Honestly they both need the boot but he is the one with you and shouldn’t have been hitting on your friend. How about you get rid of him and get your friend over and ask her the hornet answer about what happened. You punish her but not him. You need to get rid of both of them. You are both miserable and said this has been going on for 5 years. 5 years that it hasn’t only affected you but your child. Put your child first and start living for the both of you and forget about the rest. Life is too short to be miserable. You child also doesn’t deserve this.
Considering the friends choice was to blackmail him instead of have her friends back, OP doesn't need to hear her side of it. They're both trash.
Oh I don’t read that bit 😩 it was all a bit too much. I was a bit lost with it.
He’s a cheater and you need to stop listening. To his crap and just get rid of him. Focus on your son only and cut him off. I feel sad for you but you deserve a life of happiness and so does your son.
Honestly, you need to just stop. This relationship is such a cock up who even cares if he's cheating?! You're never going to get to a good place with him - you're just wasting your life and screwing up your kid in the process. I'm sorry if that seems harsh but that the reality!
My serious advice here: Get your child some therapy and start giving him a stable, functional environment to grow up in that is devoid of all this toxic crap.
He's an ass and you need to chuck him. He's manipulating the details saying he 'technically' didn't cheat, but he definitely would have if she had let him.
You are not wrong here.
People don't have a rocky 5 years - that's just a bad relationship. I get you want it to work because of your son and maybe because you feel you need his help due to your disability but he's just using you and treating you badly. Be strong sister and get rid of him
The whole thing is toxic and your child is living it, along with you.
It’s been so long, you can’t see it.
Create some distance, hang out with normal people, not these ferals and you’ll start seeing the light.
You need therapy too and you son might as well.
He's right. He didn't cheat. But only because he wasn't able to. Regardless of any of that, it sounds toxic. Why do you care if it's cheating or not? It's clearly not a healthy relationship.
The fact that you started with "we agreed that I'd deal with my friend so nothing inapproproate could happen with them to cause issues between us": that means either he's a chronic cheater and you have zero trust in him; or you are crazy and you automatically think he's shagging every female in sight.
Either way, this is unbelievebly toxic and you poor child has to live with it.
Stop feeding off the drama and cut ties. Jesus christ. What a way to live.
Whether he cheated or not, you're always going to think he did, and you're never going to let go of it.
Walk away, for everyone's sake.
Thought the same when I read that line.
Your partner can’t be alone with your best friend, your relationship couldn’t be worse/toxic.
Not even going to read it all. If you feel what happened wasnt ok then it wasn't.The fact that he is trying to invalidate your feelings and boundaries is a huge problem. This isn't a right or wrong situation it's about respecting each other and yiur feelings. This is not happening so cut him loose for good.
I think maybe you need a couple of years on your one to grow up a little and learn who you are and work on your own insecurities if I was your "man" I think I would have called it quiets when you kept going on about the bosses wife or when you wouldn't let him deal with the other house Because you were concerned about what would go down... this all screams red flags and unfortunately not on his end but on your end you should like a stage 9 clinger, you seem all over the place. You can't just kick someone out constantly and then get a say in what they do in the time you aren't together and then hold that against them for ever, if you can't love past this it's time to let him go and spend some time working on your own emotional state before even thinking about any guys.
Sorry not sorry…feel like I’m reading a highschool teenager sitcom. Childish behaviour from ‘adults’ going back and forth at each other- wtf is that going to accomplish?
It’s clear to you already what’s not working…because you’ve written it. stop trying to work at something where it’s only 1 sided energy; invested on your side & not his. His clearly a waste of time. Leave him, leave them both and start fresh somewhere else. And cut out the drama, for
Your child’s sake. That’s no way to live.