My husband and I have three children together a 16 year old, 7 year old and two month old. I am currently on paid maternity leave while he works full time. He plays sport which he trains for twice a week and plays on a Sunday. The sport is played almost all year. He is gone for 4+ hours on a Sunday as he sets up for the game and watches the game after his. At the moment he also goes to watch the games being played on a Saturday again being gone for 4+ hours. When I have told him I need him home more often to help me out he says he deserves to watch the sport as it’s his passion and he works full time and that I couldn’t be on maternity leave or have the things we have without him working full time so I should give him a break. He questions what could I need help with. Says that he doesn’t want to just be home waiting for me to need help. Or says we are a family and I should be asking our 16 year old to help instead of letting her live her own life. Am I being unfair asking him to be home with us more? He also goes out with friends when ever he wants so is not restricted in anyway. When he is home he isn’t present a majority of the time either on his phone, watching more sport on tv or napping.
13 Replies
Ugh 🙄
I hate men who have this attitude. It's usually really hard, if not impossible to get through to them as well.
However, you need to know this:
Working full-time doesn't absolve him of his parental responsibilities.
Working full-time doesn't mean Miss 16 needs to pick up his slack.
Working full-time does not give him the right to hold your maternity leave and nice household things over your head as if you don't contribute enough.
Having passions and interests as a parent is important but there has to be a healthy balance. I'm betting you don't get anywhere near as many opportunities to have some time for yourself either, do you?
I'm pretty sure our husband's play the same sport. We were in this exact same situation, I told him he didn't have to quit his sport because it's his passion but he needed to respect me and the kids more and I would now be going out 2 nights a week to do something for myself and he had to take it or leave it.
Threatening for it to be over was enough, he's stepped up and now focusing more on us and less on sport. If I need him at home, we come first and training can be missed. Game days are a different situation but training is negotiable.
He sounds like a single guy. It’s a worry that he’s prioritising sport over spending time with you and his children. Of course you’re not being unfair. He’s what I call a shit bloke. Plenty of them out there unfortunately.
Sounds like my ex, except it was always doing something with his brother. He could never understand why I was p*ssed with him constantly, yet if I said no he couldn’t go out I was the worst in the world. There were other issues that ultimately ended our marriage, but this didn’t help.
Absolutely agree with you - the way they turn it around to make us out to be unreasonable for wanting family time?! It’s madness.
He is selfish and some seem to think the parent at home doesn’t nothing. It’s bloody exhausting and you shouldn’t even have to ask him for help. Does he think they aren’t his kids or his responsibility too.? You are asking because you need help. You will end up resenting him. Fair enough go out but be considerate of you and being home raising his kids. Offer some help and be present. It’s selfish who cares if he works. You do more in a day than him! Being mum, you don’t knock off! The only part I agree with is that your 16 yr old should help too but he should be there to guide the 16 yr old and make sure they help. Not leave it up to you as his crap excuse. So you have to nag the 16 yr old to do it. We all know that’s hard work too. Tell him to pull his head in or you will do it alone like you are now but he won’t have a home to come home to. Hate this attitude on some parents
What if he took the kids on Saturday and after his game on Sunday you drop the kids off with him for the second game.
I reckon that would change his mind about how important those other matches are. Or, maybe he'll love having the kids there sharing his passion for the sport and they can grow to become involved too.
I was going to say, ask him to not watch other players games every second weekend and just play his own, alternate , until i read further and realised why would you even want him home if he's absent when he is?
The line that would end it for me is
'I don't want to be at home waiting for you to need my help'
Umm! How about him being at home and actually spending time with his children.
You are definitely not being unfair at all.
I wouldn't care about the training or game day. But it is all the extra time on the Saturday and the Sunday before and after his game.
My husband works full-time while I am at home with our 2 children. I do most of the parenting of our children but he comes home from work and helps out with the household chores and spends time playing with our children.
This sounds like my marriage…I walked away last year and I’m so much happier.
My then husband was addicted to his ‘sport’ being soccer and whilst I enjoyed it being part of our lives, it consumed his and was his priority. All conversations turned to be about it rather than our family unit. Nothing mattered as much as his soccer.
I’d seek relationship counselling now to see if you can work through it. We couldn’t.
My ex husband was like this.
I recommend you guys read the book The 5 Love Languages.
We had very different love languages. Mine is quality time where as his was acts of service and to him, going to work to pay for the bills was how he thought he was showing me he loved me.
He was genuinely shocked when I would explain my needs weren’t being met and I felt abandoned.
You can think you’re doing everything right but if you’re not speaking your partners love language they’ll never feel loved.
Unfortunately my ex husband was never a developed enough man to be able to have a conversation and work through these things together… hence we’re not longer married.
My now husband is very self aware. He respects quality time even though it’s not his and I respect that physical touch is his.
It makes a huge difference understanding each other on this level. That book may help you ☺️
Sounds like a royal douche bag. I remember when I had my first I was sitting in the rocking chair for hours of an evening because she had colic. I was covered in breast milk,dirty and eating snacks because she wouldn't let me put her down to make meals. Husband was training for footy twice a week then playing all day Saturday. Always working overtime too. It went on till I was due to have our second. I put my foot down and said time to hang up the footy boots. Too much going on at home and I need help. Took a bit of convincing but the light bulb moment happened for him. Now he spends all of his free time with us. Goes to the gym in the early hours of the morning so It doesn’t interrupt our family time.
He is paying for HIS leisure with YOUR labour… this isn’t right. At best he’s being an ignorant arse… at worst, an abuser