I wrote in a few months ago about my husband having an affair.
I was told to leave (even though, in our situation this was not something I was going to do!), that I was a bad mother, even abusive & that I have no self-respect.
It's been 8 months since the affair, with consistent (has been in place for 5 years already) psychological help & lots of communication, we are stronger than we've ever been & there is a sense of calm in our marriage now. We are completely open about what we need & our feelings & what we can do to be better.
I have confronted almost every person that lied & covered for him during the time he was having his affair & while not all of them have been sorry for not having the full story & for hurting me, I feel better about having said my piece to them.
It's only 8 months so I'm sure we'll have lots of rocky parts & there are days where I can't handle the heart break, and we fight about it.
Affairs don't always have to be the end of a marriage, sometimes it's the line in the sand that changes the direction of the relationship &, at least for now, it's made ours better.
17 Replies
I’m really glad that it all worked out for you. I guess with forums like this you’ll always have people suggest things you might not like (sometimes really nasty too) but you always have to do what’s best for yourself and your family because you know it best.
I couldn’t live under that hurt, but you have nothing to prove to anyone, just make sure you are good.
Same. My ex didn’t cheat but he lied and betrayed my trust time and time and time again. I couldn’t live like that. Not trusting, waiting for a bad day to explode and unleash the hurt.
I’ve got so much life left into me that I don’t wanna be hurting over the ‘mistakes’ someone else made when they couldn’t be truthful and honest towards me.
I think most people who are truly happy don't need to tell the world. It's the people shouting from the roof tops "Look I'm happy, see I proved you all wrong" that I wouldn't believe are actually doing better after an affair.
Unfortunately after being made such a fucking fool of, and after having to have those conversations with people that clearly don’t care for your well-being, it’s normal to want to prove you’re doing the right thing and that it’s worth it. It’s a sad trap though cos it’s you that has to live it.
I think when she means doing better, it actually means in covering the pain and trying to forget about it. It’s hard when you can’t let go and want to give it a chance to hold on to the love and how you think it’s supposed to be.i just hope the friends are still around because I know many who cut friends off and hold on to the Cheater. Either way she didn’t deserve this and I hope she finds the true happiness and respect that she deserves.
Exactly right, she didn’t deserve it and no matter which way she chooses to go she does deserve proper happiness, respect and peace.
That’s great, but what happens the next time insecurity creeps in and you start to feel like he may be cheating again? Is he going to get defensive and angry because “i’ve worked hard to get your trust back! Why don’t you trust me!?”. Can you with full confidence say he wont do it again?
My ex cheated, this showed me he did not love or respect me. I left. I found someone who i can say with 100% certainty that he will never cheat, he is a very wonderful loyal man who see only me.
I’m glad you believe you can continue on in a happy life with this man, but i just can’t believe it.
I hope it works out for you and you have the marriage and life you deserve.
You say that it’s made it better but days where you can’t handle the heart break. This is the reason I couldn’t stay. Good for you for working on it but for me , why should I leave the days off heartbreak and it affect me for years to come because of his actions. I chose to get rid of mine for that reason, I wouldn’t never be able to forget it. I’m hope your path continues to get better and you both grow from it. It’s a hard thing to get past.
Was meant to say why should I live those days of heart break
It seems as though you're on the defensive and trying to make it everyone elses fault. I stayed with my ex for 10 years after an affair and it was not a happy marriage at all. I didn't trust him, he didn't trust me thinking I would try an even things up. In the end I stopped caring about where he was and purposely ignored all the signs until he left with another affair. I honestly felt so free after that, I became a better parent, a happier person, I got my personality back instead of being so dead inside all the time. There wasnt any anger or feeling rejected because I had spent 10 years letting those feelings consume my life, once he had gone it all lifted. I think that hurt his pride a bit too because I just got on with life I didn't give a flying fuck what he was doing lol. So don't lie to yourself, you're here for your "haha I told you so" when it's only been 8 months. Honey, come back in 10 years!
Amen 🙌
Absolutely not making it anyone else's fault. He owed me his loyalty. He cheated.
I confronted our "friends" & his family that lied to me about where he was when I was worried he was dead or something. That's not making it their fault, that's separate, people lied to me & hurt me because of their actions. I am not here for an "I told you so" moment, I am well aware that just because it is good NOW doesn't mean it won't end in the future.
5 years of psychological help and he still had an affair. But 8 months of the same thing and it's helped.... OK sure. Come back in a few years and see how it's going. Sounds like you are desperate to be "right" about staying no matter what and are lying to yourself about how great it all is. Also good job letting him off the hook with the "line in the sand" that has made things better for you. Wow, congratulations on being his door mat. All the best with the day's where you can't handle the heartbreak and being made a complete fool of and throw it in his face during a fight. Yep, that sounds like it's so much better.
Glad you did what made you happy. Really it's not Any one else fault he couldn't keep it in his pants. No one owed you anything, the fact you took him back proved that it was better not to tell you. The only person who should feel bad is him. Again it's good you worked through it, for some who would say leave..well that's me and no amount of therapy is going to undo that for some of us.
Please tell me how you get over this? As I have recently gone through this with my partner and I am also at my wits end as to how to cope