Hi all,
I know I’m probably going to get judged for this but that’s okay. When I was 15 I had an affair with a married family friend who was 31 at the time. I was going through a lot of trauma from being sexually abused at a young age that came out in my teens and this person was being there as a friend at first. He was also my boss. It went on until I turned 18 in which everyone found out including his wife. I thought this was love at the time as he told me everything I wanted to hear but cut me off when it all came out. He was also cheating with other women (she does not know this) and she has stayed with him till this day.
Anyway fast forward I met someone shortly after it all came out and had kids quickly in the wrong relationship. I guess you can say it was a rebound but it brought me my beautiful babies and saved my life as I was suicidal.
I am now married and have found my soul mate. He is a great father and step father to our babies. Now being a mother and a wife, I can’t get over what I did to this woman. He lied about a lot when it came out and said I was stalking his wife which he later admitted to my family that was a lie. But I just feel so horrible for her and thinking if that happened to me I would be in pieces. I stress that am I going to get my karma in my marriage for what I did. At the time of this affair she was suffering depression and just a couple years ago I heard she lost a child so she has never had a break (some of our family members are still friends with them). I wish I could say sorry (though I know it would mean nothing) and I know I will never get too because I couldn’t bring anymore trauma into her life. While it shaped me into the person I am today, it was and always will be my biggest regret. If I could go back and change things I would. I hate that I brought so much pain to someone who did not deserve it.
I don’t know what I’m asking here, maybe I’m just venting. But it’s been over 12 years and I still think about it how she must have felt, every day. I did get my closure years ago from him (saw him in passing). He did ask to go for coffee and wanted to start a relationship with me and leave his wife. I declined. So it’s not that I think about him but I think about what I did to her. I guess as a mother now I understand what she was going through at the time and I caused so much pain. I’ve had counselling but never about this and I’m not sure I want to revisit those emotions.
How do I move past the fact that I will never get to apologise ? How do I get past the feelings of expecting my karma in my own marriage ? I wish 15 year old me was a lot smarter :(
19 Replies
You were underage, and he was in a position of power. You did not have an affair. He GROOMED you. You were abused by this ‘friend’.
You have no fault in this situation. You did nothing, he should be locked up, for what he did to you.
I don’t know if you’ve received any therapy for sexual abuse you went through at a young age, but I suggest you see a therapist asap. The fact you don’t recognise you were victimised at 15 by this married man is concerning. You may think you consented to what happened, but you didn’t. He manipulated and took advantage of a traumatised child. The adults around you have failed you, if they have not told you that already.
The only person who should be ashamed is that ‘friend’.
Thank you so much for your reply. I did receive therapy for my sexual abuse as a child but this one really messed me up. I had some therapy for post natal depression with my first bub in which I mentioned a bit of this to the therapist. My husband is very supportive and tells me I was groomed but everyone including my father called me a slut at the time and we just don’t talk about it anymore. My mother was the only one who got me through that time and told me I was groomed and I do start to see it now but I still live with this extreme guilt that it was my fault. As everyone found out when I was 18, I think he told his wife that it started when I was 18 so she doesn’t really know the truth and I don’t have the energy to hash that all up again. I just want to get past this feeling.
Your dad sucks. Your dad has something wrong with him.
My dad would have bashed his friend in the head (and he isn’t a violent man) if that had happened to me.
I’m glad your husband and mum see the truth.
I’d get yourself back into counselling and I’d consider wether staying in contact with your dad is worth your mental health.
This is really messed up. Your dad allowed this. He should have been your protector. You weren’t a slut. His friend groomed you. Your dad allowed this to happen which is sick! you poor girl. Surely someone has told this woman you were 15 and she would have to know it wasn’t right.
It was not an affair, it was abuse. Affairs are when consenting adults have a relationship when one or both are married. You were a child, you were taken advantage of. You have to learn not to take responsibily for this. You were a child and he was a 31 year old man. Imagine your now partner and you just found out he was sleeping with a 15 year old? I would run a mile and I bet you would too. The fact she stayed is more a reflection on her, not you. I'm sorry that nobody close to you treated you like the victim you are and encouraged you to get help and to report it. He's still a sleaze years later and it's not too late to report. How would you feel if he did this to another girl? Forget the wife, get angry for yourself and any possible future victims.
Thank you for your reply. I do start to see I was groomed mostly because my husband tells me and my mum told me at the time but I was too young to understand. Everyone else including my dad who was his best friend called me a slut so we don’t talk about it anymore. I don’t think he told his wife how old it was when it started. I know it’s bad but I just don’t think I could go through the reporting, police, court etc . Mentally I am not capable and I need to be strong as a mother. Plus I report after 12 years and bring all the attention onto myself and of course everyone will still blame me and blame me again for bringing it up. I just want to get past the feeling that it was my fault.
I’m not the original responder but not reporting it based on people still blaming you or because they might/will blame you again isn’t going to change the fact that they already think that and the fact that this “man” did what he did to you. He got away with it and still is, while you suffer on a daily basis. If YOU are strong enough to go through with reporting him and by the sound of it, you have the support of your husband and mum, I would report him, regardless of what anyone else will think of you. They’re thinking it already, despite being very wrong to judge you that way. Report him. It might bring you the closure you need and you might then start being able to be kinder to yourself too 💖
Also, keep what you have posted here and use that as your first step to preparing your affidavit. You haven’t even elaborated and people here are already able to see what has happened to you. I have no doubt that even more will respond the same when this gets posted on the Facebook page in a week or so. This is where you start. Do this for YOU. Sending you strength and love 💖
He wasn't there as a friend, he was there as a predator. It's not on you that she didn't leave him and continues to be used. She's had her own reasons for that. What happened was awful and you were involved but not responsible.
For you. Put the energy into rehashing all of that shit with your therapist because you should charge him, and the support they give you will be what gets you through. He's a walking piece of fucking pond scum and the fact that he saw you much later and wanted to pick right back up suggests he's no better now than he was then. Bet you're not the only kid he was abusing either.
Yeah this isn’t on you. I understand how you feel like you were old enough to make your own choices and be held accountable, especially if your own dad turned it that way, BUT he was 31 and married and he was 100% in the wrong.
The old married guy that tried it on with me when I was a teen ended up being arrested for being caught touching a teenager. I think if you had a follow up like that it would help you to understand. It’s not about you, it’s about him.
You really don’t need to apologise to her and I’m sure she wouldn’t want that opened up again. She knows enough to be able to have moved through and past it, she doesn’t need anything from you.
For yourself, keep working with your psych until you don’t believe karma would bring you bad things or a sleaze bag for a husband.
Yeah. I'm with the other ladies. You were sexually abused. You reached out to an adult for support and they raped you too. You were a target. You don't need to apologise to him wife.
You were underage and manipulated by this man. If it helps, send her a letter and explain everything and apologise. I’m sure by now though she knows what a scumbag he is. You wouldn’t be the only one. He should actually be in jail for what he did and she should know that. She could have left him but chose to stay. It’s nice you are sympathetic to her but you were a victim here also ,please remember that. He should never have touched you. He played on your emotions and history. What a creep!
No judgement here at all, just support for an underage teenager who was manipulated and groomed. How terrible for you having gone through all is this.
You were a victim, a 15 year old child. It’s not your fault. I’m sure the wife knew that. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your happy life. You deserve it.
You were 15 and just a child! If I was his wife I would be disgusted with him for raping a child and wary of him around other young girls! This is more about forgiving yourself lovely. You have grown so much since then and also need to forgive yourself for being groomed by a predator. It was not your fault and anyone blaming you needs to stop normalising child abuse. Im sorry, I'm sorry noone was there to wrap their arms around you and keep you safe 💓 The only thing you can do is make sure your children are protected the way you weren't 💗 You do not owe this woman anything. You were a victim. You are not at fault ox
Thank you so much for your kind message. I have never felt so much love in my life about this. Just thank you for taking the time out of your day to say this to me xoxo
I have known 2 people in this position with an older man. One was absolutely abuse. She was groomed and used.
The other was definitely a willing affair and not abuse.
I don’t know you and only you can know what what it was to you regardless how it ended. If you feel it was abuse than without a doubt you should talk to someone about professionally. Dealing with childhood abuse makes it easy to sweep the things that happened later under the carpet as not the root of the problem when in fact it is just another layer that needs to be sliced through to get past it.
If you don’t really think it was abuse but a ‘side effect’ of what you were dealing with (something many of us have been through) than you need to forgive yourself which is hard. Really hard, especially when you feel like it caused harm to someone else. While mine didn’t involve someone older I feel ill at the things I did to try and escape what the way what happened made me feel and feel loved and what I thought was normal (if that makes sense).
As for his wife, she made her choice and has somehow moved on from what he did. What would bringing it back to the top do for her now? You would bring back the pain she felt and that wouldn’t help her. She knows enough that should’ve made her leave. She made her choice. I think she would feel worse if you were to contact her. It’s not worth it. And just by the way, HE was the one who damaged his relationship. That was not your responsibility. He made vows he broke. Not you.
You husband sounds great! Your relationship stands on its own feet, not on your past. You have to have faith that he is not like this other man and that you have a trust he wouldn’t break. Sometimes you have to close the door on the things that happened in order to move on. She was very hurt but that was not your responsibility. That was his. You are more than this part of your life.
More than this part of my life really stuck out to me. You’re so right. This part of my life defined my life until now. I can’t allow that anymore. Thank you so much xx
Im in tears !! I felt compelled to say thank you to everyone who sent messages of support on my last post. I am overwhelmed and was not expecting such an understanding and nurturing response.
This whole experience dictated who I was as a mother, daughter, wife and person. I can’t believe it took me 12 painful years to finally realise this was statutory rape. I didn’t even know it had a name. He was a very well loved guy, a doting father and husband so he had everyone fooled.
He knew everything about my abuse when I was 5 and he was my dads best friend so he helped me through our rocky relationship. I worked for him which is where we spent a lot of time alone. This event was very well known in my area and he told lies to protect his reputation. I can assure you his wife was not told the full truth. I do remember him telling her I was 18 at the time and it was once. Everyone blamed me entirely and my own dad called me a sl*t and still talks to him occasionally. He added me on fb under a fake account trying to apologise and ask for me back shortly after the birth of my 2nd child 4 years ago.
They lost an older child, I could never wish that on anyone ever. Therefore, I will never report or intervene with their lives and I wish them nothing but happiness. I simply just want to move on and be free from the way my mind has tortured my whole being for 12 years and created so many insecurities that affect my daily life.
I read every single message and I really feel like this was not my fault now. My husband read them too and he was so happy for me to hear this from others. I did get lucky as he is so loving, protective and patient - I feel safe and loved. I will work on getting the help I need to finally forgive myself and be kind to my inner child.
Thank you all so much xx