My 16 year old daughter has been lying heaps lately.
From going to someone’s house and drinking to saying she’s going for a walk with her girlfriend but going to a boys house ( they aren’t together but did things)
She only got spoken to about these things not reprimanded .
Last thing was lying and hoping in a car with someone that the girl she was with knows from snap chat who advertises lifts he comes and drives wherever you want him too if you pay .
I’m so upset she’s lied and this is the 3rd time now I know about her hoping in cars with people I don’t know and she barely does.
My husband thinks it’s apart of growing up.
She’s lying about it because she knows if she’d asked I’d say no .
This time I said no and she still went and turned her life 360 off.
She’s making these choices and I don’t blame the girl she was with but she’s going through a real full on stage and I don’t want my daughter getting wrapped up in that .
I just have a gut feeling it’s not right .
I think she should be grounded my husband disagrees?
21 Replies
Honestly, you need to relax a little and be someone your daughter can trust to be truthful too for her own safety. I have teenagers too and I would never punish a 16 year old for those things you mentioned, instead I would be encouraging them to tell me what is going on so I know where they are and safe. I would also rather give my child a lift than jump in with strangers. She's nearly an adult so she's going to be more independent every day, it's your choice to work against her or with her.
Sounds like me when I was 16. I lied because my parent's were so strict they wouldn't let me do anything! Not even allowed on trains with a group of my friends to go shopping in the city. So if wanted any form of freedom, I lied. I would tell them I was sleeping over at a friend's house (there were only two friends who my parents approved of) and get up to all sorts of rebellious mischief.
Same. And the friends that could be honest with their parents got feedback and self esteem and support while I got told I'm a liar, slut, bad kid etc etc etc.
I was your daughter at 16. My parents wouldn't let me do anything or take me anywhere so I lied, snuck out & went with whoever would give me a lift.
I didn't have an open relationship with my parents. It was just 'no' & then ignored. I had no guidance, no support, no one to discuss big teenage issues with. I felt alone and like my views didn't matter, so I stopped listening at all to my parents. I made horrendous mistakes & got into some bad situations. Some still haunt me to this day.
So please think about changing tack. She's going to do it anyway, but if she has guidance on what's safe & can talk to you about anything, and the most important - the safety of calling you for help if she wants out of a situation you'll be in a better place to guide her in the right direction.
Totally the same.
I think she needs to know she's out in the world making choices, and she needs to be safe by telling you where when and with who. Teach her that as an adult you snap people's number plates and send it to a friend before getting in. You tell people who you're with and time you expect to show up. It's safety.
She's sneaking around now acting out because of you. Because she can't be safe because you'll get mad and ground her. Maybe even get her to tell her dad. It's about safety, not control, now. She's 16 and you need to teach her how to be out in this world.
Sorry to break it to you but when you turn 16 You are of legal age to make your own decisions and do whatever you want within the law. You can’t stop her or ground her.
Hmmmm... See, I would have been in trouble for breaking trust after the first lie. We never used the word grounded, but that's essentially what it would have been. I'd have been required to demonstrate that I could be trusted before I could go out again. I actually think having boundaries us a good thing and don't resent any of my parents (divorced and both remarried) for them. Just because I was 16 doesn't mean I shouldn't have been expected to be trustworthy and a good person.
Also, part of being mature is using critical thinking. She was unsafe and potentially put herself at risk. If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to show that she can think for herself and say no if something isn't right.
My kids know that they can call me no matter what the time of day or situation, if they need help I am there. I would rather that than have them in unsafe situations and they are the next kid found dead on a street. I think it's a bit of a fail if your teenager does not have this with you, instead of offering this after finding out she's been in unsafe situations you are instead looking at ways to punish her. I hope your daughter remains safe.
"This time I said no and she still went and turned her life 360 off".
I think that kind of suggests grounding isn't going to work, if anything it'll probably heighten her "fuck it, I'll do what I want anyway" attitude.
She needs guidance not punishment and she does actually need a little freedom to forge her own path, make her own choices, good or bad, that's how teenagers learn and grow.
You've really gotta try and facilitate an open relationship with her so she doesn't feel the need to be dishonest to begin with and so she knows she can come to you of she ever finds herself in a situation she needs help. You get to that point and she might be more open to your perspective about underage drinking or getting into cars with people who she doesn't know well etc...
Also sounds like she's sexually active, talking to her about safe sex and options re contraception would be a good idea.
I grew up with a single mother who trusted me completely.
Who allowed me to go and do what ever I asked too. She always said I had her full trust until I broke it.
She also said to me - there is nothing we can’t talk about there is nothing you can do that is so bad that we can’t fix it or support you through it. You will never be in trouble or judged but I will help you navigate out of it!
She held her end of the bargain - but also because I was allowed to I didn’t push boundaries to much either.
Our teenagers are not going to be perfect. It’s our job to support them along this next path.
Most problems start with control!
Your mum sounds like a gem ❤
Thank you! She is the best!
Sounds like me - mum would say no if I asked so no point being honest and had to sneak around to do the things I wanted to.
Give her some freedom, work with her not against her.
Thinks we’re a bit different back years ago to what it is like today.
Yes things are different. You still have to equip her to live out there in the world. And the same dynamic will happen 100% if you punish instead of communicate when you get information.
They are not that different. If anything today is safer with how much CCTV there is and how easy it is to get help. If you don't have a mobile someone nearby will. The power of SM is also amazing, back in the 90's if there was a rapist loose you wouldn't know about it straight away or even at all if you didn't watch the news or read the paper compared to now it's all over SM within minutes usually with CCTV footage of the person or vehicle.
Back years ago 😂 OP of this comment, I’m a young mum so we aren’t talking “years ago” …
It’s not right and you have every right to worry. I would be furious. Kids don’t understand parents concerns and think it’s all innocent and fun. Speak openly with her and raise your concerns. Explain to her why you worry, what can go wrong. Allow her to go sometimes if she is truthful but you need to raise all your concerns with her. It’s scary being a parent. We never stop worrying about our kids.
This is honestly the hardest thing I have found with parenting. My 17yr old son is going through the same stage. I am well aware it's because I have a tendency to be strict and controlling. It's something I am working on. What I've found is that it's better to approach this type of behaviour with understanding and compromise. Meet them in the middle. Have a conversation with her where you can lay down some new boundaries, because they are different to the ones she had as a child. Let her know that you can see she's wanting more freedom and independence you'd like to give her more of that. However, to earn that, she needs to have an open conversation with you about her and first. Then, instead of a straight out 'no', you counter that with something like 'OK, I hear what you're saying, I'm OK with you going to *wherever*, but my expectations are *whatever* (pick up time, contact other parents, etc)'. If she doesn't like that, then she doesn't go. But if she wants to go, let her see you're willing to loosen the reigns a little for something in return (compromise).
Trust me, you'll hate it, it will go against every grain in your body, but so important for preserving your relationship with your daughter, building trust, and allowing her room to grow.
Another biggie.... You and hubby need to be on the same page.
Good luck
With life we have a deal if you come home when you say you will or you let us know if plans change we won't check life 360, if you don't and turn it off...you can't go out. My kids have heaps of freedom. I say tour body your choice and don't sugar coat reality.
We have life for safety if something happens and we want to find you to help you. That's why we avoid snooping on them as it's for safety.
They make stupid choices but I want them to always come to us if they make bad ones and need help.
My oldest males mostly good, my youngest more of a risk taker.
You push too hard they run.