Sorry for the long post but this is two years worth.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years/married 10 and we have two kids. He has always worked away and I have been a full time working mum at home. Our relationship was always happy, trusting and full of fun, until he started a new job 2 yrs ago. He met a woman who he said was much older and more like his mum so I never thought anything of it. This went on for quite a few months and then he mentioned that she has a pool and he wanted to take the kids out for a swim. I never thought anything about it and I always stayed at home because I had uni, house, and work to catch up on. This was just the start. He changed the lock to his phone, and refused to tell me what it was, he became distant and began to pick on little things that I did. I became really suspicious and hacked his phone one night. I found a chatting app, l full of explicit photos and conversations. He lied his way out of it but my gut told me this wasn’t right. He was always angry at me and very secretive about her. I told him that he needed to be honest and just let me know what was happening so I could more on and get the closure I needed. He assured me nothing was happening and that I needed to let it go and stop being a jealous b***h.
I let it go for a few months but I always knew something was happening. He stopped talking to me and if I asked about his day he would go off at me. I then found out through Google maps that he had been there throughout the day while I was at work. I was livid and told him it was over. He once again lied his way out of it, and I came back. I honestly think it’s because we have kids and I don’t want them to miss out on two parents.
Fast forward a year and I have just recently overheard a phone conversation between him and her through the pet cam. It was quite intimate and they even made plans for when I was at work. They play golf and go motorbike riding together, even though he had Denys it, people have told me that they have seen them out together. I was devastated, but surprisingly it was the answers I needed. He obviously lied through his teeth and said I was hearing things, and when I asked him to listen to it, he screamed at me and threatened me physically. He eventually calmed down and apologised and tried to explain his actions but the lies were to obvious and the story kept changing.
This woman lives in our town, works away with him and he has told me he won’t ever stop talking to her, even if it saves our marriage. I’m ready to leave but I have no idea where to start. We have two kids and I feel terrible that I’m possibly choosing this life for them.
We don’t share beds and we don’t have a relationship unless it’s about the kids. I’m so angry with him for doing this, but im sad as well because we have made such a good life. There has been so much stuff that has happened or what I have found, but I’m trying to figure out if maybe they are friends and I’m just being jealous. Or I’m right in thinking there is more to this.
11 Replies
You're deluding yourself. Like seriously tricking yourself. He's cheating. For a very long time. Not hiding it at all. And you're still trying to convince yourself you have a good life and relationship, when you have no relationship, a cheating husband and you will find you have some pretty serious mental health issues coming out of this, when you eventually let yourself realise what you've lived for years now.
Go get yourself some help mate, and prepare to leave and get yourself back. It's just saving yourself at this point there really is no other choice.
You have no choice but to leave, you and the kids will be much happier once you settle into a new life. It will be hard at first, but it will be worth it. This cannot be fixed, he doesn’t even want to fix it, he has told you point blank he won’t give her up. He chooses HER, he has told you so.
How long have you been believing him now?
And yet here you are.
Time to believe in yourself and your gut feeling because believing in him is getting you nowhere.
Stop waiting for answers, when you already have them. It’s obvious he is cheating. The messages are enough alone to break up with him. His treatment of you, is enough to break up with him.
Get your stuff and go. What a lying pig! I’ve been there and even though you know, they turn into a rage. Throw the heat off themselves pfft no way! Get out of there. Make sure you are smart about this. He just wants you there for when things dont work with her. He has been cheating on you for longer than you know. He doesn’t deserve you!
Leave. Your kids growing up watching their dad treat their mum like this is not right. They deserve a happy mum and u cant honestly be happy living this.
I was fed lies for years about financial secrets my ex had, I did the approach and then had everything denied (much like you) I knew the truth despite what I was being told. I left. It was the best thing I ever did.
Start fresh and a life for u where u dont have to worry about this burden and being lied to everyday.
How absolutely devastated you must be for your children and yourself. You didn’t ask for this and this is his choice. What he is doing is called Domestic and Family Violence. He is controlling and gaslighting you. This is coercive control. Seems that he has narcissistic traits.
You have the power here, he is the abuser NOT you.
Seek some support, please don’t feel embarrassed or powerless (like these perps want victims to feel).
Don’t spend any longer trying to work out what’s going on in his new relationship. Put YOURSELF first.
Tell him to leave for your own safety (emotional, mental and physical).
Centrelink and some banks can assist with DFV crisis payments if you need.
You got this girl and what a role model you will be for your children by taking control and looking after yourselves
Hey you, I hope you read this. I was where you are. He told me it was all in my head. I felt confused and unsure. I felt guilty and worried about my children constantly. I started to blame myself the way he always blamed me. I once convinced myself I needed to stay for my kids. That changed to needing to leave for them so they didn't accept it as normal. You are so much stronger than you feel right now 💗 I took my time and found myself a good DV counsellor. It was when I had that person walking beside me and validating how bad it was I finally found the strength to leave. You may not feel like you can trust your own thoughts at the moment because his voice has become your inner dialogue. He has projected a whole lot of crap on to you and it takes a while to kick them back out of your head. You've got this beautiful lady. Do not settle for this. From one strong survivor to another 💞
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your kids!
What a jerk. I totally get what you are feeling. I get the feeling of wanting to save your family as you knew it to be in happier times. I get trying to convince yourself that it's all in your head and I get how manipulative partners can be when caught out!
I agree with what some have said, even by some miracle he isn't cheating, his behavior is enough to leave.
Obviously this is going to be a big change for you and your kids. Sounds like you are hard working and an incredible mum. Just take one day at a time. I wish you all the luck in the world xo
I went through this exact thing, I could've written this myself. I tried to work through it all with him over a year but he never stopped talking to her although he said nothing was going on. We tried counselling, he just laughed after walking out saying it was a bunch of crap. I finally worked out I deserved better and left with my 2 children. Once I had worked out where I was going, had jobs lined up and a place to leave he wanted to try again. I said we can try but I am NOT cancelling any of my plans already made until I know for sure it would work. 2 days later it came to a head again with the other woman phoning while she thought I was at work. I realised he only wanted to try again because he wanted me to cancel everything I had planned so I had nowhere to go so I had no choice but to stay but I was smarter than than and packed our stuff and left.
3 months later she had moved in with him and a year after that they had a baby together. So much for nothing going on!!
Trust me, gather every piece of evidence, get bank statements, house mortagage information, shares, write down every piece of furniture you own, cars etc, birth certificates and LEAVE.
He is in the wrong. You are worth so much more than that, your gut is 100% right and he will never admit to anything because he knows that will play against him in court.
This is such an awful situation for you. I’m so sorry. He really sounds awful. But I’d like to respond as the CHILD in this situation - because that was me. My parents stayed together for us kids. They loved us sooooo much. We had a wonderful childhood however….. there was a point where they started to hate each other and should have separated. They didn’t. For us. The tension in the house was palpable. You could feel it. I have this awful feeling in my gut just typing this. None of it was directed at us but we knew they hated each other. It was so toxic. It taught us to not only be a horrible partner but also to put up with horrible behaviour from our own partners. If you’re staying together for the kids DON’T !!!!!! It’s the worst!! Good luck. Get all your ducks in a row before you leave then do it. Teach your children that they deserve more from their partners in life. Teach them that this is not ok and you are so lying no. Also imagine if in time to come if you found a partner that loved and respected you the way you deserve.