Wondering if anyone has any advice to try and stop my husband lying to me constantly. He lies to me about our finances, where he got money from, where he is, how much he drinks/spends. We’re not doing well financially at the moment so I’ve had to get a job which is something I didn’t want to do with little ones but he doesn’t want to change to the higher penalty shifts so I didn’t have a choice really. I’m certain his not cheating but I normally have to look through his phone to figure out what the truth is about any situation because I can’t trust that he is telling the truth and more often than not, he isn’t. His family know that he lies to me constantly and have tried shaking sense into him to no avail. When I try to have a conversation with him about it, it turns into an argument and his most recent tactic to get out of it is by saying some version of “this is why I want to kill myself” so that obviously I’ll feel bad and like I’m just being a nag. We have kids so I want to try and work things out, I just don’t know how much more I can take.
18 Replies
Does he gamble?
Not as far as I am aware, and I haven’t seen anything like that appear in statements
Mine is a gambling addict and you won't know he refused to leave money on his bank card his pay went into then opened other bank cards and put the money in those accounts so I wouldn't know what he's doing with his money if he is gambling I doubt he's doing it from an account you can see
Unless he wants to change, and gets some significant therapy (to do so) this situation will never change. You can’t fix him.
Lying serves a purpose to him and in his mind it works for him.
If he does agree to go to therapy he is probably lying about going and spending the money elsewhere.
You should work, because you need to protect yourself. Even if he changed to the higher penalty rates, you need to think smart, and protect yourself.
You do have to ask yourself why you stay with him though? Like why? You can’t trust him as far as you can throw him, your anxiety must be through the roof. Looking through your husbands phone constantly is not a healthy way to live, and just teaching him to lie smarter.
Black sheep probably, but sounds like you're putting so much pressure on him and you're pretty selfish. "He doesn't want to change to the higher penalty shifts" "didn't have a choice" "didn't want to do" .. so many expectations on him all for your gain.
I think you both need individual therapy and couples therapy. Sounds like you are both in pretty negative headspaces and not working well as a couple, you're unappreciative of his efforts, he feels he can't be honest with you, lack of respect on both behalves.
To clarify, he was doing different shifts at the start of the year, same hours just different times and we were much more comfortable. He says it’s work that won’t give him those shifts back but they’re also always advertising those shifts are available. He also continually tells me he wants our kids to be at home with one of us as much as possible. I have offered to go full time so that he could stay home more but he also doesn’t want to do that because he doesn’t think he could be a stay at home dad.
I don’t think I’m being selfish, I want what is best for our kids and us as a family and that’s hard when I don’t know what to believe
Are you sure it’s the shifts he is avoiding? It may be someone he is avoiding. Affair maybe. I hope not but I’ve been there and my ex partner was doing shifts and suddenly didn’t want to work those shifts anymore.turns out he was sleeping with a co worker. I got rid of him as soon as I found out.
She isn’t to blame here. He is a liar!! There is never a need to lie, no matter what!
Agree I hate how people makes excuses for people lying there is no excuse
What a great way to put the blame on her and let him get away scot free with crap behaviour. Lying is a type of domestic abuse but hey let's blame the victim. How ridiculous
What are higher penalty shifts?
Like night shift?
Is he burnt out?
People usually lie for a reason, you need to find out why.
Whether it’s because he’s doing something dodgy, he feels controlled/self preservation, he grew up doing it and is now just pathological.
You need to give him the ultimatum. He either shapes up or ships out!!
He is hiding something and if he won’t tell you then keep digging for Answers until you find out.
I could have written this but mine is worse hides his phone and keys comes home late lies about everything after 13 years I'm done but I can't get out we have so much debt and I don't make enough money to live on my own and no matter what I do or say mine is not willing to change but he's a gambling addict always has been but denies it completely and what makes it worse is his family know there all gambling addicts it runs in family but I'm desperate to get out I'm done
He lies to you because it serves his purpose. And because he doesn't respect you as a person. He won't stop because the truth won't serve his selfishness. Sorry but thats the truth. There is no way to fix a liar. And now he has moved into the ridiculous tactic of emotional manipulation to try and get you to shut up and stop questioning his lies before they fall apart. Things will only get worse if you don't leave.
His behaviour is screaming addiction of some sort.
Never EVER stay because of the kids, you will do more harm than good. You are essentially teaching them that it is okay to lie and snoop. Your kids would pick up on your stress, they are smart and they are sponges. I can guarantee you that they feel it.
If you are only staying for the kids then leave now!
"I don't think he cheats" you've been lied to and hurt by this man too many times and now you no longer trust him and doubt him. Relationships don't work without trust, and I really don't think your relationship has a long of it. Personally, I'd talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling, what I'm debating and unless he could show me change I needed to be alone.