I love my husband and he loves me but work always comes first. I know he feels the pressure being the bread winner and I appreciate that. But his job always comes first. It’s a job that pays well enough for us to afford a mortgage, bills and a tiny bit of savings but only when he does a crazy amount of overtime. I don’t ever see him putting me and our kids first and I just don’t know how to get him to see that we want to be put first once in a while. He is a really hard worker but he lets himself get pushed around and sometimes works 24 hours straight with no sleep which is very illegal but if I report then his boss would know it was me as he is 1 of 2 employees.
16 Replies
I think this is values. For whatever reason, the way he was raised, his parent role models, housing security etc, he values work and paying rent highly and to him, that is putting you first and looking after you.
Is he capable of looking for another job, promotion, side step etc? Does he want to? Does he know that you feel secure and happy with everything you have and would be fine with less money and happier with a happier, more present husband?
He's not putting you first? He's literally working himself into the ground to provide for you. You need to increase your financial contribution so he can dial back if he can't get a job that gives him more money for less hours.
I’ve got a permanent part time job and contribute financially however we had a baby this year so we were down to one wage for a while. he doesn’t get a choice as to when he works or doesn’t work he’s just told be here this time and then he gets told when he can leave. The overtime isn’t optional it’s required. So yes he is absolutely a hard worker but it’s not because I’ve asked him to go out and slave all day so I can live some kind of lavish life style.
I’ve got a permanent part time job and contribute financially however we had a baby this year so we were down to one wage for a while. he doesn’t get a choice as to when he works or doesn’t work he’s just told be here this time and then he gets told when he can leave. The overtime isn’t optional it’s required. So yes he is absolutely a hard worker but it’s not because I’ve asked him to go out and slave all day so I can live some kind of lavish life style.
So he doesn't have a choice to do the hours for the job that is just getting you by as a family and you're still saying he's working because he doesn't love you? Poor guy!
Nope you have severely missed the point but thanks any way.
How?
What he's doing clearly isn't working for the family. Obviously he does need a job but is he willing to change jobs or look for something else. Is he capable? I assume if he's capable of finding and keeping a job with regular workplace agreements and pay, he would in a heartbeat.
Having a baby and stopping work is only adding to the financial burden he feels, it’s even more stress. Another baby to provide for, less money coming in. You can’t have both, you chose this.
He’s trying to build a future for his family, could you get a part time job to help out?
That may take the pressure off him.
Your family is worth more than any amount of money. Stuff the money. He needs to cut back and spend time with his family.
By the way I’ve been there. We did what it took. Rented house out. Moved away, he started a new job and we all got a new lease of life together. Best thing we ever did. Couldn’t have kept going on like that. Doesn’t get you anywhere except a depressed and lonely house wife.
In order for your family to afford a mortgage, bills and a tiny bit of savings he has to dp a crazy amount of overtime.
You answered your own question. This is him putting you first. I guarantee he'd prefer to be at home with you and the kids.
It also sounds like to me he needs to be encouraged to find a more respectful work place. His boss sounds horrible to work for.
He is putting his family first.
If he doesn't feel respected at work, or safe, he might need to look elsewhere.
If you feel like you have no support then there is an issue. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.
You need to have a serious talk with your husband and communicate your feelings. Let him know what you need in the way of emotional and other support. Let him know that you appreciate how hard he works but that you are worried about the state of your relationship. Come up with a plan that will work for you both and the family.
I know how hard this is, I've been there. My husband is in the military and the crew he was with were toxic. To the point where it was expected that they were his family and we could go screw ourselves. He took a $30,000 a year pay cut to move positions. Getting away from that way the only way to save our family.
I understand your feelings and they are valid.
At some time in the 6 months before the baby came did you guys work out the budget? How long you could afford to take off etc?
I've been there, the working around the clock. I was the only person trained and had a ridiculously short time frame to finish so no time to train anyone else. It sucked but I got through it, and my employer then sent my family and I on a secluded 3 day holiday to the mountains because they knew what our sacrifice was to get the job done.
If your husband is being used with no appreciation it's up to him to seek another job and up to you to support him in doing so. No sense in kicking up a stink with the employer, they know what they're doing and don't care. And having personally seen someone's wife butting into his work, I could never in a million years tolerate the sheer embarrassment of doing that to my partner or of him doing it to me. Don't do that to him. Just help him get a better job.