Just trying to figure out what is normal when it comes to having a sick child and a separated family.
Should the child still go to the other parents house if the child is sick? Or should they stay with the primary carer?
I have an immune compromised child, so the child is sick quite regularly.
Sick kids
Sick kids
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Kids
52 Replies
I don't see why the other parent can't look after sick child. Why set them up for the fun times babysitter only and you do all the hard yards? Sick kids and having to say no and stay home and rest and clean spew is part of the job.
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Unless it’s Covid where it makes sense for one adult to quarantine, then no, the child still goes to the other parent.
Unless they need to quarantine or require specialised care/equipment that isn't available at their 2nd home, they should be with both parents when they're meant to be. Otherwise, the other parent might not get to see them and build a relationship with them as much. If the child was at the other parent's house when they got sick, I would say they should stay there as well unless the other parent wasn't in a position to care for them properly.
I keep my child with me when he’s sick because
A. Most importantly, he’s most comfortable with me when he’s sick and I know he’ll get the care he needs. He’d also prefer to be at home in his own bed, with his own stuff etc.
B. There are kids at the other house.
What would your child prefer? That’s the only thing that matters,
Maybe your child would be equally comfortable at both houses if both parents were given equal importance....
They should see both homes as their own homes and both beds as their own beds. If not you’re doing it wrong!!
My kids have 2 homes and 2 beds and they’re still going to the other parent if they’re sick.
Trust me I would love that more than anything in the world, but you can’t make the other parent be a good parent and have interest in their child.
They see them once a week. Last week, we heard nothing, just didn’t call/turn up, but child doesn’t care, he’s used to the way the other parent is, thank god.
He’s never been made welcome enough to be given an actual bed at the other parents house.
It’s always been like that.
Don’t criticise unless you known the actual story, so many women in my shoes.
OP here..
I am all for my children going when they are unwell, but the other parent has said they don't want them when they are unwell.
I just dont understand why only I should be dealing with a sick child and why my children should miss out on seeing their other parent.
I don't mind keeping them home, but they get upset and feel like they aren't wanted/welcome just because they're a little under the weather :(
Are there kids in the other house?
Yep
But I also have a baby here from a different relationship. So i don't see how it is any different
It just is, spreading illness from one house to the next, when it can be prevented.
I don’t send my child when they are sick and they also let me know if one of theirs is sick.
It’s just common curtesy, I don’t want mine to make others sick and they don’t want theirs to make mine sick.
When you all live in the same house, there’s not much you can do about it.
If your kids had the flu, how could you in good conscience send them?
I disagree. COVID/chicken pox/measles etc excluded... if my dad hadn't let me visit every 2nd weekend when I was sick growing up I wouldn't have had a relationship with him. Unless the other children have a health condition that means their safety is at risk, custody should continue to be shared per usual. Gosh- soooo many kids go to school unwell that keeping them home does jack all. Plus, you're most contagious for most viruses etc before symptoms present anyway.
See I am absolutely against kids going to school sick and quite frankly, hate the parents with your attitude that think it’s okay. Yes I work full time and i am a single parent, but still don’t send my kids to school sick.
I feel the same about birthday parties, play dates, all of it.
If the kid is sick, stay at home.
I don’t care when your kid supposedly got their virus, if they’re sick, they shouldn’t be out breathing all over the other kids, I don’t want them there.
Well I guess my child won't be seeing the other parent much because the child is sick 90% of the year 🤷♀️ (shot immune system) in good conscience I would send them because they deserve to be able to spend time with the other parents as equally as they do with me. Common courtesy would be the other parent helping out and still have sick child because it takes 2 to make a child why should 1 only be held accountable.
Also if my child got sick there. Should I tell the other parent sorry child can not come home because ya know I don't want to get sick? No I would still get my child home because that is what they want. My children feel unwanted and unwelcome because of this. And are upset with me for it.
Home is the other parents home too, though. When my kids sick, I pick them up and bring them home. Most of the time, I or the other siblings, don't get it. Saying you don't want to catch it is a copout, you're the parent and your kids sick, you do what you have to do.
Why are there different expectations for OP than OPs ex?
I guess for me it isn’t about what’s fair and why should I have to...over why shouldn’t they have to?
I don’t see my child as a burden, even when sick, and am more than happy to take care of them.
I know that the other parent has kids at home and when they’re sick, they take care of them.
The other parent is good enough to let me know when kids in their house are sick and I do the same and we can make an assessment. It’s not about what’s fair for me, it’s about the kids and minimising them getting sick, all of them, not just mine.
My child isnt upset either, because I explain, you’re sick, you don’t want little Johnny and Mary to get it do you?
Different mindset, kids are the priority.
Well, if my kid never went to school if he was a little sick I'd be investigated by child safety for not educating him. He picks up everything and stays sick longer than others. Kids with normal immune systems that sit beside him every day aren't getting sick and having time off. So I completely see the OPs views. Maybe this isn't a discussion for mums with no clue about kids that are frequently ill. Instead, dad should talk to the doctors and if he still refuses then the kids knows it his choice rather than necessary. Sorry... But as a mum with a child like this, sad is being really selfish
Name calling....okay.
I just read that whole speech as if it's directed to OPs ex and I really like it.
Ahhh my children are most definitely not a burden to me, and I do prefer to have my children when they are sick, but one of these children also prefer to be with the other parent over me when sick. No matter how much I explain to the child it still upsets them because they are not old enough to understand.
I would also like to minimise my 3 month old baby getting sick...
I am expected to pick the children up from the other parent when they have caught a gastro bug while at their house (which I do, and will continue to do so without complaints because I like my children home)
Kids get sick, it is apart of life. If they are that worried about catching a common cold or virus maybe they should stay home 24/7 wrapped in bubble wrap.
Yeah. Your expectations aren't lazy, they're realistic and coming from a place of trying to ensure that your child has 2 equally involved parents.
Your ex is self centred and clearly happy to be a parent only when it's convenient for him. Unfortunately, unless simple education can fix it, he's unlikely to change. Be the best mum you can be and see if you have some support from other people if you need a break.
I must say, I do have an amazing support system. My support system will also have my children if they are feeling under the weather and I need a breather (not very often I need a break, but to be the best mum I can be an hour or 2 break to refresh is just needed sometimes) so I just do not understand why the other parents feels they are excluded from spending time with their child just because the child is feeling unwell.
And if the child at the other parents house is unwell then I expect them to still go. It's called basic hygiene standards and keeping distance where possible. Not sharing drinks, catching coughs and sneezes and so on.... im not about keeping kids away from the other parent because a child had a mild illness then can be prevented from spreading.
Pretty cruel if dad to knock back seeing their own child because they're sick if it's an ongoing thing.
Why is keeping your sick child home so their step/half siblings don’t get it, equate to bubble wrapping kids? If you’re happy to send sick kids, that’s fine, you do you, but don’t exaggerate and criticise others that don’t.
Believe me, I’ve spent many hours alone in hospitals (and will in the future) with my child, having various procedures/operations, but I never think, his dad should be doing this, because in these moments he needs me, I’m the best man for the job.
We all think differently....
They're not in hospital. They're at home and mildly sick. It's basically a custody issue and THATS where the 'he should be doing it's comes into it. It's written in a signed agreement, and he is the one breaking it. I'm not sure what you don't get, but it's a bit sad your attitude towards mum as if she needs to just step up (more than she clearly already does) when it's quite clear it's dad that's dipping out with the shitty attitude.
I’ll get creamed for this, but let’s be honest, a lot of dads aren’t good with sick kids.
Before my divorce my ex never took care of the kids when they were sick, I think women are may be more maternal? I wouldn’t leave my sick dog with my ex lol
I do agree with this, women are more maternal. But my kids dad is pretty good at looking after them while they are un well. But Since getting a new partner he just refuses to do it now.
Mother's are definitely more maternal. Kind of impossible for a dad to win that one! I didn't realise paternal love made someone incapable of caring for a child with mild symptoms though... Especially when they're almost always present so they should get lots of practice
I think being in hospital for operations/procedures is alot different than going to dads house with a common cold. Geez.
My son has had many operations and is only 5 and will continue to do so. And I am the parent by his bedside everytime and I wouldn't have it any other way, dad didn't even visit the child in hospital after having them. But if dad chose to step up n say hey I wanna be there for my child while in hospital then we would rotate, because im not all about me being the better parent im about having equal rights.
Your criticising people that do send unwell children to the other parents house so maybe you shouldn't be.
It's not instinct, it's providing care, something they can learn.
I think I depends on what kind of sick were talking about here.
Are we talking something non contagious like an ear infection or tonsillitis?
Or a mild cold or a lingering cough that's taking forever to go away because the child is immune compromised?
Or are we talking a full blown virus, a bout of gastro or something else highly contagious?
If it's more like the first scenario and there's no extenuating circumstances that would potentially risk the health of any family members at the other house, yeah the kid should be able to travel between homes freely.
If it's more like scenario 2, then I think the kid should stay at home with primary caregiver.
A. The kid would probably rather be at home with primary caregiver if they were that sick, I know my kids would at least.
B. It seems slightly irresponsible to continue the spread of such ailments. We wouldn't have outbreaks of a multitude of viruses if people would just try and keep them contained.
We are talking first scenario
Then dad's being unreasonable without a shadow of a doubt.
And funnily enough, full blown gastro at the dad's house apparently goes back to OP. So it's not about not moving a kid when acutely unwell or minimising transmission.... It's about dad being a parent when it suits him
Yeah, I just saw OPs extra info.
You're right, this is just crap parenting on dad's part.
To the mum saying she doesn't send kids if they're a bit sick... Does that mean if your kid gets a cold or tummy bug at their dad's house that you would be ok with him explaining he can't return the kids to you when planned until symptoms to fully resolve? Because for immunocompromised kids, that could be weeks.... My eldest quite literally had green snot and a croup sounding cough for 4.5 years... No break in symptoms ever.
This!! Absolutely spot on! Well said
Your child being sick for 4 years is way out of what is normal...obviously.
We are taLking about the majority of kids that get normal childhood illnesses and recover.
Geez....
Obviously if child had cystic fibrosis, would be different etc etc.
What if the world fell in?
Blah blah....
I don’t send my sick child, with a normal childhood illness, to the other parents house whilst unwell.
They stay home, recuperate and generally go the next week.
Anything that deviates from that....I would reconsider....
My kid doesn't have a serious medical condition. He's immunocompromised due to fairly common conditions. And the OP has clearly stated her child is immunocompromised... So answer the question with that in mind. If your kids almost never get sick, your judgey opinions are irrelevant to the context of this child's situation.
Also, he wasn't sick as far as being contagious goes. He just looked like he was and needed extra rest. If you have no idea about what an immunocompromised child is like, why are you commenting anything beyond advising the OP to discuss this with her doctor?
You have NO IDEA about my child’s health, because I haven’t told you.
The op asked a question, I answered.
Op and everybody else have a different opinion, which is fine, there’s no right or wrong answer.
Op, if you want everyone to agree/validate you, you shouldn’t ask a public forum.
Take what you agree with and ignore the rest.....
I’m sorry, but I don’t send my sick child to their dads.
Gastro - no, id keep him home.
(Pre covid) A bit of a cold - yes I would send my child.
Ear infection - depended on whether he wanted me ecause of pain etc or dad.
The other parent needs to look after sick kids too. Unless they have had major surgery and gone home from hospital to your house and you feel that it would be better that they stay home but say that they can have extended time, then I think your ex should be able to parent a child sick or not.
I've read all the comments and I think in your situation, if the kids are sick they are probably better off with you.
It's not fair, dad should be able to parent his children if they're under the weather but he's made it pretty clear he's unwilling to do so.
My worry would be that if you forced the issue, your immune compromised child wouldn't be comforted or looked after properly in dad's care whilst unwell. Not only is that emotionally damaging but could have serious health implications.
It's absolutely shithouse on his part but there will come a time where this will bite him in the ass. He wants to be a part time Disney dad, eventually kids need a more meaningful relationship than that.
He used to have his kids when they were un well no matter what and would look after them great.. its just changed now that he's in a new relationship. It's just heartbreaking because my child is upset with me because they can't go there :(
When my ex repartnered, things changed for a bit, but then they settled down and went back to normal. If she has kids, sounds like that is the issue, she doesn't want her kids to get sick, which I understand.
I think sick kids should stay where they're more comfortable. It's not about Mum or Dad, it's about the child. If your child is more comfortable in your home and you've been the person to care for them when they're sick then it makes sense they stay there.