Our family has been very emotionally drained by our narcassist mother inlaw. There’s one child and their family favoured, and the rest of the siblings and families can never do any right, nit picked, back stabbed etc. we’ve had an absolute gut full and don’t think we will attend her fake family xmas lunch this year that causes more anxiety then it’s worth. Has anyone else avoided the family xmas altogether? How do we tell our older kids, who love going and getting gifts off everyone (unfortunately this is all it’s about for them I think). We feel it’s time to break away from the drama and stress!
13 Replies
Make other plans with other family this year.
Is there any way you can put all this aside for your kids sake?
Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your situation but I have similar issues with my own mother. I just put on a smile, grit my teeth and tolerate her for a few hours because my kids do still love their Nana and they enjoy getting xmas gifts off her. It also means a lot to my elderly grandparents to have the whole family together.
Outside of Christmas, boundaries are firm.
If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to go, just be as age appropriately honest as you can about the situation and maybe instill some new values surrounding gifts if that's the only thing they're concerned about.
So you like to expose your children to toxic people? Nice, i bet those kids will not be affected at all.
My mother is very toxic to me and our relationship is strained beyond repair but she does love her grandchildren, even I can't begrudge her that. They aren't exposed to her on a regular basis so they don't even know about her toxic side.
OP mentioned that her kids will be disappointed to miss out and that they like going, so i offered an outside the box approach. Sometimes as a parent you suck up shitty situations for the sake of your kids.
I also did say that I don't know how bad things are, only OP can come to that conclusion.
Just wondering how you feel knowing you're setting your kids up to be emotionally attached so naively to someone so toxic. What about when she starts her bullshit on them?
My ex MIL was like this too to the point where certain kids would get really good presents and the rest would get something with no thought at all and nowhere near the value of the other kids. Then the "favourite" kids could act terribly all day and get out up on a pedestal while the other kids only had to look at someone the wrong way and she would make such a huge deal about it and keep bringing it up.
So as someone who knows how toxic that environment is for everyone and how crap the kids are made to feel I say have your own Christmas without her. Totally fair. Even now with my new partners family I don't have Christmas Day with them any more. My SIL bought everyone gifts except for my kids even though she only had to add their names to our present because they weren't family, so I hope she felt bad when my kids gave her a present from them. I just get the vibe that we aren't really liked by his family they're just nice to keep the peace and I would much rather spend a special day like Christmas with real, genuine people.
We only do Xmas with our little nuclear family. Christmas does not have to be with extended family. It can be nice, but if it isn’t working or doesn’t suit your family it’s ok to make other plans.
We book a holiday home and run. Most of the fam isn't even toxic but by the end of the year we're over people in general and need some space to recharge.
Just say you have plans with your family. Or that you have a plan with just your household. Or don't give a reason. 'thankyou for the invite, but we're unavailable this year'. Or if you aren't sure they'll let it slide, phone on the day saying that you're unwell.
Yes, we stopped going to my family for Christmas after unnecessary drama was caused. We now go to Hubby's family for Christmas
My parents are separated and before kids I’d run myself stupid trying to see the family during the day. Once I had kids I decided Christmas was about them and us as a family. My partner and I booked a spot in a caravan park and that’s where we started spending Christmas. His parents joined us and on occasions his sisters with their kids would come too. My mum accepted this was my family our choices and we often celebrate before now with my side of the family. My dad however, would try and guilt me about going away. I just put my foot down and said our family out traditions and it’s about the kids. Honestly it’s been the best for us since sticking to ourselves. The kids get to play all day, no manic dashes anywhere and I enjoy the day with my family. Why does one day a year dictate where we must spend our time. Be strong and create your own family traditions, see them Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Merry Christmas.
maybe the older kids can make up their own minds depending on age but if my kids really like going I would just grin and bear it.
Both sides of the family drain me when it comes to any gathering. Our sanity is more important and i usually make myself clear early in the year that we won’t be apart of any gathering. We’re the adults and we can control situation, you do you boo. There’s no rules on how you celebrate. Do something at home make it special, spend quality time with your immediate family.