I feel like I can’t deal with my husband anymore.
I’m a mum, work full time across 6 days per week in quite a demanding job (which doesn’t end day 6 mind you, I’m required to be on call day 7 too).
I do like my job, it saved me from PND after the birth of my daughter, and makes me feel on track with life.
My mum/work balance is good.
It’s my husband I’m having a hard time dealing with. It’s just always something he’s doing or feeling that drains me emotionally and makes me feel like I’m drowning.
Either he’s taken up smoking (again!) and wallowing in self pity, he’s feeling depressed and having suicidal thoughts (which mysteriously just vanished apparently one day and he was fine), and the most recent one is a strict change of diet. For no reason mind you, he’s decided to become vegan. I know this is minor and really shouldn’t bother me, but he’s forcing it on the family. I’m no longer allowed to cook dinner (something I’ve enjoyed doing daily for the last 10 years), because I won’t cook vegan. My kids don’t want to eat it, and in their defence his cooking isn’t good in general so I’m having to cook them seperate meals after dinner. And I’m just feeling so angry all the time!
Im aware this is such a first world issue, but I’m just not coping with everything happening right now. We no longer sit together at night, because he’s obsessing over his weight (he’s super thin mind you), or the dietary information of what he’s consumed for the day. I literally do not enjoy being around him anymore.
He’s aware of my feelings but thinks I’m overreacting, then calls me a b**ch for not wanting to be around him.
I’m lost.
9 Replies
Stuff the vegan diet and you cook for you and the kids. If he wants vegan tell him to make his own. Geez I wouldn’t cope either. Stand up to him and do your own thing. He certainly has mental health issues. He needs a psychologist.
It's not a first world issue. You're ready for a divorce. That's a big thing. Sit with yourself and decide are you going to live being made unhappy and frustrated constantly And whinging about the person youre choosing to live with, or are you going to do the big shift and go through with it.
There are rules around being on call, I would find out what they are for your award.
He sounds like he needs professional help - I'd nearly be leaning toward a bipolar or similar dx with his swinging moods/habits.
But you aren't required to stay in a toxic situation regardless of any mental illness. If you're done, you're done.
Very obsessive behaviour - eating disorder possibly?
It’s all well and good for him to make that decision for himself however he needs to realise it’s not for everyone!
Exactly! I’ve chosen to eat a low carb/keto diet on the advice of my doctor. I don’t force it on my kids. While I do sometimes make the family meal low carb, I will then add rice or pasta or mashed potatoes to my kids meals. Depending on what we are having, sometimes it is easier to just make a separate meal for myself then freeze the leftovers. If I’m taking a plate of food to share I will make it low carb, so I have something I know I can eat but let those I’m sharing with know that it is low carb so they can choose not to eat it if they wish.
Sweetheart, please don't minimise this.
Getting Pepsi when you wanted Coke is a first world problem, dealing with a partner who expresses suicidal thoughts or ideation is NOT a first world problem.
Your partner clearly has some undiagnosed and/or untreated mental illnesses. As a person who grew up with two mentally unstable parents, I can't begin to tell you how damaging it is for a child to bare the brunt of a parent's current fixations, their periods of obsessiveness or mania.
If you're not coping, your children probably aren't either.
I think it's probably time to look at the big picture and make some tough decisions.
Does he have a pattern of doing these things? It sounds awfully like bipolar or even borderline personality.
And living with someone with a personality disorder (especially unmanaged) is incredibly stressful and chaotic - I get why you want to work so that you can feel in control.
I feel it needs to be a really good heart to heart chat and get allllll the stuff off your chest (in a nice way of course) if he's not willing to recognise his behaviour theres not much you can do. If he does recognise it then encourage him to see someone about it, especially the weight/diet thing as it doesn't sound healthy
If I had to be primary caregiver alone for 6-7 days a week, I would lose it too.
He definitely needs help with his mental health.
You sound like you are hiding from kids/hubby at work, working every day, due to your pnd, whilst he’s drowning at home as the house parent.
You had pnd and chose to work your way out of it, you should totally understand why he’s struggling.
Some balance, maybe you cut down days and he gets a part time job, but he needs a psychologist/psychiatrist first.
He needs something to get him up in the morning, work doesn’t just bring in money, it brings self esteem, purpose, help him find that, support him.