Do you have a family member who is repeating the same toxic childhood they grew up in?
My childhood was filled with so many toxic people, lots of trouble with drugs, domestic violence and mental illness.
I now am dealing with a family member who is repeating history and creating a similar childhood for their children.
It's absolutely horrible to watch especially because I am so aware of the damage it will do.
This person is very stubborn and refuses to see the issues and even when they do they quickly justify their toxic ways.
This is becoming very hard for my other family members to stand by and watch. All efforts to help this person have failed and they go straight back to their old ways.
I am not as worried about the adults in the situation but more so the children who like me have no choice to grow up in such a hostile and toxic household.
So my question is, what do I do?
How can I make this person see the truth?
Or
How can I be strong enough to just stand by and watch history repeat itself?
How do I sleep at night knowing what I know?
5 Replies
People have to want to help themselves and they have to be ready to accept that they need it! Unfortunately you can't force an epiphany onto someone. So try as you might, you won't get this person to see the truth if they do not want to see it!
I know someone who had social workers and child protection agencies involved but she still refused to acknowledge or change these behaviours and cycles of dysfunction that were seriously fucking up her kids - eventually she lost custody of them after mountains of help to get her on the right track.
It sounds like in your situation it's time for some professional intervention at least so the kids have some support. So I'd honestly start thinking about making a report to the people who have the resources and training to help!
For some people what they know is more comfortable than getting out of a toxic situation.
Your family member has to want to do it.
If the kids are at risk or in danger contact child protection in your state.
My cousin has repeated the toxic childhood she grew up in, it’s very sad to watch.
It's really common for people who have experienced trauma and abuse to be like this. It is a sad cycle. If this person is exposing kids to DV, drug use and being neglectful and abusive then you need to report it.
The affects of trauma are so unpredictable. You get sexual abuse victims becoming abusers themselves and you get some victims who advocate relentlessly for other victims. Its the harsh reality of how our brains work.
I knew these kids who were raised by their mum who was a massive drug addict. Two of the kids ended up living really good lives, and never touched drugs themselves, and the other kid ended up exactly like his mum. Yet they all had the same upbringing, the same trauma and the same support.
You can't change this person at the end of the day, especially when they can't admit to themselves they have a problem. If their kids are unsafe, report them. But seeing as this is affecting you, its time to step away. You have been through this already as a child, you don't need to through it as an adult. Do what you can from a distance.
Good luck x
Ah I could have written this!
Long story short, I warned her if she didn’t get her shit together I would take her 2 young children. And of course she didn’t.. so I took them. I did it legally through the police and child protection services. 4 years later I still have them.
Addicts either want to get help and change or they don’t. She didn’t.. she never tried to get clean or get her kids back.
Sadly both of the children have behaviour challenges ODD and conduct disorder as well as depression and anxiety, as they were neglected and witnessed more violence and abuse that any person should.
But at least they’re now being raised in a safe and loving home.
My advice is to intervene, as the damage to the children is probably already done but it can be healed if they’re still young.. otherwise it will worsen as they grow and witness more toxicity.
Good luck x