sorry for the long post im very lost at the moment... i am a 21 year old mum to a two and half daughter, im a single parent due to circumstances the father is unknown. my parents help a lot with her allowing me to study and go out more often then a lot of people with children. however i am really struggling with the hfact that i have her. i found out at 30 weeks that i was pregnant due to medical misdiagnoses so abortion was out of the question at that stage (i know i would have had one if i found out earlier) the only other option was to look into adoption which i did but my parents didnt support me adopting her out. last week i had aweek away to compete in nationals and that did more harm than good as to make myself come home to get her was a huge struggle i ended up parking the car a few blocks from home and just crying to the fact that i had to go back to her as it was fantastic feeling for that week just not to have that responsibility and i really struggle to give up the selfishness i feel at what im missing out at 21 because of her. I do have a good connection with her and I am quite lucky with my support i have and how well behaved she is but at the same time I feel as I could completely walk away from her and I would have no problems doing so. I don't know what im hoping posting on here maybe just to know if other people have felt like this and what have they done? I am on medication for depression and see a counsellor but i feel worse as she gets older. I want to get places in life and i feel like im constantly being held back because of being a parent. I am a national sports player in multiple sports, have a uni degree and tafe degree and have nearly enough money for a house deposit but I know i would be at higher places than this without her and i struggle so much with that.
13 Replies
I think you are really struggling with a number of things. 1. That you would have put your daughter up for adoption and rather than standing up to your parents (because it was your decision only to make as you were an adult) you let them talk you into keeping her. 2. That life doesn't always go to plan (that's what life is, we can't plan and control for everything, sometimes things get delayed etc). Your daughter is here and now you need to decide of your going to truly make the most of it or decide it would be better to let someone else raise her. I'm
Not sure how you feel your daughter is holding you back as it sounds like you've done an awful lot for someone your age? If you don't want to be a parent I can understand that, parenting isn't for everyone. Would your parents be prepared to take on more care so you have your daughter on weekends?
I hope you don't get abused on here for this question like the other poor girl who posted about not wanting to look after her kids. It's good to be honest with your feelings. I felt the exact same way. I was able to go out and study and save money but I still felt like my child was holding me back. For example I was able to go out but I had to be up in the morning to look after her which was hard when I was a huge binge drinker. At one point I contemplated suicide because I knew adoption was not a option for me as family would have never forgiven me. The responsibility was too much for me. One night this all changed, I was out at party and missed her so much, for no reason I went home early and crawled into bed with her and finally felt at peace with the fact that she was mine. She's 5 now and I couldn't imagine leaving her. I have my hard days where I am jealous of friends that don't have kids or I feel like my bond with her isn't as strong but I always choose to work through it. I suggest you talk to your support group about your feelings and how you may need more help. Until then I think you need to push yourself through this hard time and fake it till you make it. You need to work at letting go of your selfishness for her it will really damage her for life if you choose to leave her for good. She's still little and it's possible your still suffering from psd. I do think as she gets older it will be easier for you. Continue to work towards your goals and don't look at her as the thing that's holding you back. Do what you enjoy and work it around your time with her. Good luck. Xx
I cannot begin to understand the feeling of not wanting your child, but I'm one of the lucky ones who never experienced pnd, even though I was also a young mum... But I have read through the comments on the facebook page tonight and I sincerely hope THIS is the one she reads... I'm glad you are so supportive of someone you don't know and wish the other mother's on this forum were the same...
I just want to say what an amazing job you've done already, you seem like you really have your shit together and have reach many goals already at such a youngest age. I don't really have any advice on how you are feeling but wishing you the best of luck and hope someone can put some things into prospective for u x
Well done you for doing a good job to get this far and to be so accomplished! Have you spoken with your parents? Maybe be brutally honest with they may take full care and you can see her on weekends or something?
Whatever happens good luck xx
I struggle everyday being a mum to be honest I hate it but that's because I'm at home all the time I'm a recently single mum with 3 kids and without doubt I love my kids if anything ever happened to them I would die. Everyday when I have a moment I need to remind myself of that, they depend on me for love, support I am their anchor they didn't choose to come into this world why should I resent them and be so selfish because I became pregnant and chose in the end to be a mum. You have achieved so much already with her and now you need to realise this is for her and you she is apart of your world an you need to make her your world.
Sending you massive hugs. I had my first at 18, and now at 26 im a mum to 4 kids plus guardian of a 17 year old. However this reply isnt about being a mother. I was your daughter. I was born to a mother who didnt want me. She was going to give me up for adoption but due to my grandparents stepping in, changed her mind at the last minute. When I was a few weeks old my birth mother signed over guardianship of me to my grandparents. Ive always known this. And you know what? I had an amazing upbringing. I always felt loved, cared about and wanted. During my teenage years I did question why mum gave me up. But I know she did it out of love so that I had a life I deserved which at the time she just couldn't provide.
Your parents sound like they care very deeply about you and your daughter. Are you able to talk to them about the possibility of them becoming your daughters legal guardians? This is by no means an easy way out, it's an avenue that would benefit not just you but most importantly your daughter.
It's ok that you feel this way, not everything can work out how we plan - the grass may always seem greener. You MUST change your thinking though - you are a success, a huge one in my book, achieving so much at such a young age whilst having a little girl. Most importantly though, she can NEVER know you feel this way. She must ALWAYS feel wanted otherwise she will never feel self worth. Your job (the job you took on when you decided to keep her) is to love her, show her how strong, independent & successful you can be as a single mother & teach her that she too can do anything!! Yes you may have enjoyed your 20s more without her but when she's grown & you have more freedom whilst others your age still have toddlers you'll probably feel differently! Keep up the good work!!
Look, I don't have a lot of patience for statuses like this however I do have an interest for mental health. If this is how you really feel and it's not just a bad day then you need to do something about it as this poor child will grow up feeling unwanted and possibly become a punching bag for yourself in the future. I am the product of a 15yr old falling pregnant and even though life was tough at times I definitely appreciate everything in life and to say your missing out well your very misguided and nieve. My mother is so inspirational and has the world at her feet in her 40's. She now has all grown children ( from having them young ) and has the best life. Children are never a curse they are a blessing and you should count yours.
Don't get me wrong, your aloud to have a bad day but this can't be an everyday thing. Do something about it!
Looks like you have a lot of responses to read through, so here is another one. You need to start thinking about your daughter as being a positive in your life, rather than a negative. Only then you will begin to connect with her and stop seeing her the way you do. I think if you didn't have your daughter you probably would not have the things you do, i.e.. uni degree, tafe degree, national athlete and house deposit. Your daughter is the blessing in your life that has given you success in your life and you should start to see her as a lovely blessing. Don't forget as she gets older she will start to feel your negativity towards her. How would you feel if your mum didn't want you. Not too good I imagine. I also think that you should not adopt her, she has a loving family around her. Instead you should work on your own issues you have towards her. Find a new councillor by the way, they one you have in not right for you. Good luck.
Firstly you are a great Mum because despite what you are feeling/suffering you are still providing and thinking of your daughters best interest as well as getting help.
Every "single mother" will think about how their life would have gone had they not had kids when they did at some point. And it's usually at a down point in their life.
I think you are trying to be the best at every aspect of your life and putting an immense amount of stress and pressure on yourself by doing so.
You were/are young and you didn't get time to choose or process what was about to happen. You had a a clear life goal set probably from a very young age and the pressure has obviously been instilled on your for a long time to achieve those goals. Do you think you may feel like you disappointed people in your life by falling pregnant and are beating yourself up about it to the point where you wish the feeling would just go away?
You say you have a great connection with your daughter despite feeling the way you do and going away for your sporting commitments.
Let me ask you how much of being a child under 10 do you remember? I totally believe quality over quantity is paramount with kids.
I don't have the same story but here is mine: I was a dancer (not famous but thought I could be one day) I was 16 when I fell pregnant I found out at 11 weeks and called the abortion clinic to terminate. I chickened out! I didn't have the same support as you have so I made a different life. I worked full time and studied to build myself a career to support us I only saw my daughter for an hour in the morning and an hour at night day care raised her. I had a year at age 19 after having cervical cancer removed where I partied every Fri and Sat night and ran an absolute muck. I have been on many weekends away and overseas holidays without my child. I don't feel guilty and she doesn't resent me for it.
The only thing I sometimes wish was that I had of gone back to was my goal of dancing! You have managed to succeed at that and I salute you for it. Being a good Mum doesn't mean you have to give up the life you dreamed of sometimes you just take the longer way. Being a national athlete has a shelf life and won't last forever but when that dies down you will have a special girl who's unconditional love will mean everything to you. I think you were given the gift of a precious little girl for a reason and whatever you decide to do she will always be apart of your life.
Ps I met the man of my dreams at 25 and now at 29 I have a 12 year old daughter who loves dancing and has just become a big sister to our new baby boy. Life has a funny way of playing out I wish you the best of luck.
You think your missing out on things ! Your daughter is missing out on A lot more ! And ALOT more important things like a loving mother . I'm very sorry your struggling with this it's so sad . But you need more help because honestly if you let go and allow yourself to truly love her and enjoy being a mum you will find love avd happiness like no other !! It will trump everything else . I'm a very young mum too I understand at times it's hard and I look at my friends partying . But I have just made myself goals to go traveling with my two boys and it still get a degree and be all I ever dreamed . You can live both life's and love them both
I've always known that my path in life was to be a mother first and foremost, so I can't really comprehend what you must be going through. I feel for you. However I do know the dedication and sacrifice it takes to be an athlete (my husband was and still is one). Know that your daughter doesn't have to hold you back. It may mean that you have to work harder and sacrifice more than some other mothers but you CAN do it. You can have everything you want if you put your mind to it. The fact you have a degree and are an athlete competing already tells me you can be whatever you want to be.
I think you should sit down, write down what you want out of life and then figure out how you can achieve it. No ifs, buts or maybes. Find the way and then do it. If you don't find a way to have a life of your own, you will resent your daughter later in life. Be a mother that she can be proud of, that she can look up to and that she draws inspiration from.
I was once stuck in a rut, living at home, working in a job I hated, no qualifications. When I met my husband things picked up but after our first daughter was born we came close to bankruptcy. We made the decision then to control our lives and do something that we enjoyed and were passionate about. We are now living in a different state, own our own business soon to be company with plenty of money coming in. From bankruptcy to not struggling so much (emotionally and financially) it took us one year of complete dedication, sacrifice (mostly of sleep!) and passion. It is possible. You can do it. Just find the way.
All the best xx