Lost and hurt.

Hi IM's

Bit of a long story.

I met a wonderful person a few years ago who totally swept me off my feet. We were exceptionally happy. I came out as being gay so I could spend the rest of my life with her without feeling the need to hide my bliss from family or friends. We had a few hiccups but kept coming back to one another, like an addiction. Like magnets.
My siblings were accepting of my choice, however my Mother was and still is in complete denial. She has since disowned me and has manipulated my father into doing the same thing.
About 18 months of dating the love of my life I was diagnosed with a life threatening illness. I had to have surgery which took a lot of hours to correct this condition, to which I then had life threatening complications which 9 months later resulted in more surgery, this was all totally unexpected as id been told Id be able to work the following week and it's been over a year now since working or feeling normal. I now have no finances and a child to feed and am worried about how I'm going to make ends meet. In this time, I've had to rely heavily on my partner who has watched me go from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs mentally and emotionally, all the while taking everything out in her, mostly due to family issues, agonising pain and pain medications. I've done and said some awful and regretful things. She was the only one there for me and now I'm forced to live with my drug induced, anxiety and post traumatic stress actions which I take full accountability for. I am now no longer on any of these awful medications.
My Mother continues to be off the scene and has said she's wiped her hands of me, as it was all to much for her to deal with and my Father supports this decision. She has called me a sh*t daughter and Mother (I have one child) in front of other Mums in my child's school yard amongst other things. I also finally had the courage to tell her about being abused as a child and her response was that I was 'emulating' her life. That was a VERY hard pill to swallow. I've literally just found out that after 25 years of not speaking to her own Mother she's just reconnected with her. I want her in my life too, but she's just so darn nasty! How hard is it to be a loving, accepting, caring Mother??
I seem to be the whipping pole in my family, while everyone else gets away with blue murder or casually looks on. She's the one person I crave care from.
I've been suicidal and battle with those thoughts every day. I've tried all kinds of counselling and nothing works. After my last lot of pain medications I don't want to go near any other medications. My child is what keeps me here as is my partner, but I'm just so tired of carrying around guilt, hurt and mental and physical pain.
I want to know when this roller coaster is going to end!?? And I can get my independant pain free life back!? Preferably naturally.
I'm at my wits end emotionally and really can't take much more. Ive also been told I'm playing the victim. I try not to but there's days when I just can't cope and just need a huge hug and to be told everything's going to be ok... I don't get this from anyone. I feel abnormal for wanting something so simple. Feeling very lost, like I'm falling down a well trying to clutch whatever I can grasp... Any help or suggestions would be so so appreciated.

Thankyou.