A couple of years ago, I wnt through a depression stage and all I did was spend money on crap and have nothing to show for it. I sought help and got better but my partner still likes to have a go at me for it , when I can’t give answers as to where it has gone it doesn’t matter why I say it’s not good enough for him, I need help to get through to him that I can’t remember what I blew it on
34 Replies
Sit him down and have it out. Get out a bank or credit card statement, write a list of a typical day and add it up, to show him how it adds up and can cost a fortune quickly with not much to show for it.
The second part though, was it his money? Because in that case, hes not really asking where it went hes saying its missing and thats not forgiven, he wants it back. Do you feel you need to save and refill the account or youre just moving on saying I forgot it so should you.
We have been through the bank statement and. I do gel the need to refill it and I’m working on it.
On one hand, you are responsible for doing something awful to him. You need to be responsible you dont get to tell him to get over it.
On the other hand, you cant move forward with someone that verbally berates you time and again. It has to be dealt with, and move forward either agreeing on what needs to happen to move on (pay x amount back into the fund) or if its too hard to get over then part ways, lesson learnt some things are deal breakers.
Was it a large amount of money that you both had plans for? Maybe you can make the effort to save and put money aside to replace what was spent? I think he needs a better answer than I don't know where it went
It was the start of our house deposit and I have been working on making it up. I just don’t know what else to say we have been through the bank statement
It sounds like you broke your partners trust when it comes to money. It takes a long time to earn back trust. You committed ‘financial infidelity’ it takes as long as it takes to earn the trust back.
Have you both gotten marriage counselling? Is he giving you shit for the money you lost before or is he asking you where the money is going now?
If it’s new money, then it’s fair all that he asks and you should remember. If it’s the old money, then it sounds like he is going to need professional help to move past it.
Once someone breaks your trust it can take a long time to start to trust someone again. It sounds like he doesn’t believe that you don’t know where the money went.
'I dont know' wouldnt cut it for me. The broken trust would also definitely have my mind ticking about how far did the deception go, what did they actually do that I dont know about?
My ex used to do this to me, we’d save money he’d spend it and “not know” where it went.
You should not have access to an account if you can’t control yourself with it.
You can get bank accounts where you can see the amount in there but only be able to withdraw money if you both are present at the time.
“I don’t know” would not be a good enough reason for me. If you aren’t seeing a counsellor or someone about your inability to control yourself with money then you shouldn’t be allowed access to a joint account , you need to be held accountable and I would be pissed if my husband did this to me. We’ve told women to leave men for their gambling addictions that they choose not to get help for, this is no different!!
If my partner did this time & time again and then just says 'i don't know', i would be certain it went on meth or some other addiction. Its the only logical answer.Is that what you're doing? Are you buying drugs?
Unnecessary?
Shes saying a logical person knows the money went somewhere. It was taken for a reason and given to someone for something.
How is it unnecessary? The money has got to be going somewhere. The only way money disappears is usually gambling or drugs. Drugs don’t leave a footprint really. You take it out of an account and you hand it over to someone. You use the drugs and you have nothing to show for it. It’s a logical explanation especially when someone is saying “I don’t know”.
Firstly, unnecessary asking someone you don't know if they are taking drugs.
It's also unnecessary because she's not asking us what she spent it on, she's asking how to deal with her partner.
Drugs and gambling is definitely NOT the only way money disappears lmao. Anyone can blow money, especially someone with a mental illness like the OP. Shopping sprees can cost thousands and when you're buying random things like clothes, toys, subscriptions, kitchen gadgets, linen, furniture, plants it really is hard to pin point exactly what you spent money on when it's been spread all over the place. Every time I walk into Bunnings I walk out with a trolley full of plants that costs me hundreds of dollars. I love gardening and it's my go to thing when I'm stressed so I had to stop myself going because it was a catch 22 lol. I would spend too much money in Bunnings and get stressed so I would have to go back to buy more plants lol.
Hey look, they are questions and ideas thrown around in case the OP’s memory is jogged by them. They aren’t accusations. Weather it’s drugs, other illegal activities, depression , or bloody Bunnings , she can’t account for any of her spending. Your Bunnings idea is no more ludicrous than suggesting a drug issue so hop off your throne. Not only your opinion counts.
I think she would know if she spent it on drugs. I think what's happened is its been spent, she says it herself in the post. She spent money to make herself feel better. Definitely not OK but it also means she likely didn't spend it all on one thing, like she doesn't have a horse, boat or motorbike to show for what she's spent it has likely gone on many small transactions which makes it hard to pin point exactly what you wasted money on. Like what did you spend 10k on? "Oh let me see, we'll I bought this cool vacuum and I needed some clothes, remember we went to dinner that night? Christmas time I went overboard."
Shoppi ng would be the easiest thing to track through transactions
A depressed person doesn't spend large amounts of money without any recollection, a bipolar person who is manic does. Are you seeing a psych?
That is actually not true and not all depressed people are the same, neither are bipolar people. Spending money gives a false happiness to some people. Severely depressed people also lose their care factor so start not caring about savings, there's no planning for the future.
A depressed person can spend, but cognitively they know what they bought after. She has no recollection, that takes it to a whole other level of mental illness. Its classic bipolar behaviour and its also common to be diagnosed wrongly with depression when thats how you present the majority of the time. It can take ten years before they get the diagnosis right.
OK so for example, if you think of your last year's earnings, let's say it's 70 000. Someone asks what you spent 70 000 on, what do you say? I know I wouldn't really be able to answer that. It just goes. I think that's the "forgetfulness" it's not a complete mental block it's more that shes wasted so much money on random crap she can't really pinpoint exactly what she spent it on, except to say she bought crap with it.
What a silly comparison.
They had significant savings, for a house deposit.
They obviously had the capacity to save with a cash surplus.
She blew the savings in a short amount of time.
He's been left reeling, with a loss of trust in her and sense of betrayal.
She can't give a straight answer nor recall where the money went.
It also sounds like its out of character, given her husbands response.
I've seen this scenario played out.
It's not really a silly comparison, it is hard to say where money went when you wasted it on nothing.
Okay, so all this is perfectly normal to you, her behaviour is no different to anyone else spending their income...tell her husband that....
It's not just bipolar people. I had undiagnosed ADHD and I have trouble with money and impulsive behaviour, a lot of the time I don't recall where all of my purchases were. I know I've spent a lot of money over time and I've "nothing" to show for it. As in, I've spent on online games, food, clothes, nights out etc. Not much material stuff.
Excusing this as normal is not ok. I wonder if youre the OP. No wonder your partner won't let it go and youre lucky he hasnt left you. Just forgetting is not an answer. You owe it to him to work it out and answer the question.
The OP is commenting a lot of her own responses on other ppls comments all thru this thread, sticking up for herself and defending her actions . Clearly hasn't taken any responsibility at all.
I think you're referring to my comments since I have made about 6 comments so far? Not the OP.
Its been two years and she still hasnt been able to replace the money, why is there a woman acting like this is normal?
It must have been a decent amount, its a big deal.
It may even end up breaking them up, sounds like husband has lost all trust.
I’m the op and I haven’t post to anyone comments
I sympathise with your partner. You have moved on he hasn’t. He is wondering if it will happen again and whether your financial goals align.
This is about trust I think. His trust was completely broken and he cannot just get over it. You both need help. He cannot move on because he probably still doesn't trust you.
I wonder if your relationship might be beyond repair. Some issues are just too big to get past!
You messed up, you know this. It does sound like you're slowly trying to rectify your mistakes which is all one could ask of you now but it also sounds like your partner really can't move on from it as well which kind of leaves you guys at an impasse.
He may never regain that trust in you and that's not fair on him but it's also not fair on you to be dragged over the coals about this money for the rest of your life either.
Idealistially, at best you guys are probably going to need some extensive therapy if there's a chance to get through this.
Realistically, it might be time to think of everyone's happiness and consider a separation, even a temporary one because surely neither of you are happy going on this way?
My husband is sooooo good with money, and I will spend like crazy and have nothing to show for it.
So I can see where you are coming from.
My dad became sick 3 years ago and I have gone from earning good money to working part time and about $400-500 a week, so I can work with my dad on his physical rehab. So we lost half of my pay, but I didn't curb my spending.
I am lucky that my husband doesn't mention anything about my spending.
After about 2 years, I did change my spending. But it was literally me, not spending at all. And only buying clothes when needed.
I understand both sides of things, where your partner wants an explanation of where the money is going. And being someone like you, I understand not being able to remember.
I had to be really hard on myself and change my habits. Is it possible for you to try and curb your spending? Give yourself an allowance each pay and only work with that?
Are you sure he isn't gas lighting you. Was it your money or his? Honestly I think get yourself a therapist to help deal with him, my ex used to hold things against me for years and years and have a go whenever he could. It's basically mental and emotional abuse and should not be happening.