My 16 year old daughter recently broke up with her boyfriend. They weren’t together long, but he was a lovely boy that really fitted in well with our family. He hasn’t had the easiest of lives, Mum left when he was very young and I am concerned about how he is coping. I find myself getting teary thinking about him as he very quickly became part of the furniture. I’m not sure what I am asking, but I guess, is it normal for me to feel this way? I felt an attachment to him, kind of took him under my wing, and now just feel horrible that she made the choice so easily.
8 Replies
Just keep in mind that teenage boys tend to be the perfect sweet gentlemen within the presence of their girlfriend's parents. You need to trust your daughter made the decision best for her and support her and let the boy go.
At 16 she is learning who she is and perhaps she wasn't ready for the relationship. Maybe she felt like they didnt gel. Either way it was her decision. Generally teenage relationships are fleeting so brace yourself for many more break ups.
Also be careful not to show too much concern on how the boy is coping after the breakup to your daughter. The guys feelings after the breakup are not your daughter's responsibility and she needs to be able to leave a relationship she is unhappy in without feeling guilty for her decision.
As a teacher it is normal to get attached to some kids, especially if theyre having a hard time and you bond by caring for them.
Just remember this is your daughters life, your feelings have to come second to hers, she has to have the safety of a parent that doesnt befriend and keep an ex around or she wont bring anymore home and she wont trust you. It puts her in a tough position. You need to be professional-thinking about them, they arent yours, there are boundaries and good reason why you need to stay within them.
Your daughter is only 16, she doesn't need to be tied down. If she wasn't feeling the relationship for whatever reason, she should be easily able to make these choices - that's what being young is all about!
And let's be real here, teenaged boys (and girls) who haven't had "easy lives" usually have some trauma, unhealthy coping mechanisms and as someone else mentioned, they can be extremely charming to an audience but a hell of a lot different in private. I can speak from experience here, that shit is heavy! It's not a burden another teenager should be taking on.
Young love comes and goes, don't get attached or if you do, don't express it to your daughter.
And not to be callous but quite frankly, this boys wellbeing and feelings post break up aren't really your concern.
Have you spoken with your daughter about why they broke up?
You seem to assume she’s made the decision so easily?
Teenage relationships are hard and messy dealing with their hormones. You really need to be putting her first!
It’s nice that you accepted her boyfriend and ‘ he became part of the furniture ‘ but he’s not your family and you need to step back and realise your daughter will probably have lots of boyfriends. Some you’ll love. Some you won’t. But that’s a normal teen thing to do.
Don’t get overly invested in her relationships to the point you have with this one
Take it as a life lesson
I don't have a daughter. But I'm going to go against the grain on this one.
Yes your daughter is number 1 priority, however sit down and talk with her.
Kindness is nothing to be ashamed of.
Personally if they weren't together long , I probably would let it go but the other half of me says
. Just check in and express that if he needs anything to not hesitate, that whilst you have to support your daughter , you are able to support him during this transition.
Support him in what way? Be specific. You dont want to give her ex a way to hang around your daughters home uninvited by her. And for how long? The truth is it wont be long, youre not his parent or about to step into that role, so you need to be respectful to him of that.
I dated a guy for 10 months when I was 13-14. I still call his mum "Mum", despite him and I not speaking at all. She took care of me, looked after me, took me under her wing. I will always hold her in my heart for that. You don't have to take sides