I’m feeling heartbroken, this year three really important relationships to me have disintegrated.
I know each of them have issues with my husband but I try to keep everything seperate.
The first is my adult daughter, her fathers family have alienated our relationship for years, nothing I say or do is truthful to get, she believes everything they say and what they’re saying only serves one purpose, to destroy our relationship. I’ve never “told” her the truth about her father or his family as I’ve always been mindful that they are her family, so she has definitely got a very lop sided idea of the situation.
The other two are friends that I’ve had for a long time. The first for over 35years and the second for 15 years. My husband has a terrible attitude and it’s embarrassing at times. I just miss them all so much, I’m just not sure anymore how to reach out to them anymore and to repair our relationships. I feel like because of my husbands behaviour they lump me in with him, I don’t do the things he does and 100% don’t agree with what he does.
I’m not sure this is even making sense, I’m just so sad.
I’d really appreciate some suggestions to help as I’m so anxious and scared about being rejected.
I love them and miss them so much.
Thank you x
How do you rebuild relationships/friendships?
How do you rebuild relationships/friendships?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
9 Replies
I have distanced myself from my best friend of 30 years due to her partner. He is a narcissistic bully who victimises her and her daughters and really his own group of friends and their children.
I can’t tolerate being at an event with him. The way he treats others and the way they put up with it sickens me. Also the way his children treat others sickens me.
I catch up with her one on one where possible. But it’s not the same. Over the years I’ve mourned that loss. To be honest I’ve lost a little respect for her over time also. Which I’m ashamed of.
When your partner treats people poorly the healthy decision for most people is to step away rather than constantly being in the firing line.
To get them back it would take a lot of meeting up elsewhere without your partner..
have a serious look though - it’s not everyone else. Who or what is the common denominator…
What kind of things does your husband do that is upsetting others? To lose two long term friendships like that, it must be quite significant. Xxx
I hope you are ok?
I think it depends what your husband has done? What is his terrible attitude about? I have distanced myself from my sister because her husband is an awful person. I know my sister isn’t awful but our relationship is strained because I find it difficult to keep things seperate. Your friends sound like they’re struggling to keep it seperate too?
What does he do thats so bad? How are you ok with it? He must be more than just a bit of a pig, he must be actually harmful and disrespectful for them feel no option but to leave your friendship.
I think its time to start looking at your choices. When you choose to stand by someone acting badly that is an action in itself. You invited him in and youre losing quality people from your life, thats always a real warning sign.
As for your daughter, its hard to see the positive in someone when theyre putting up with a dickhead, its likely he has influenced her decision too, more than her dads family could influence your relationship with your own grown daughter.
Its easy to blame others but youre making choices here. People choose their friends and who they spend time with based on the interaction. If theyre whingy, negative, always stressed, show low morals, disrespectful, invite grogs around, their choices are run by someone else, it impacts peoples enjoyment of being with you, and eventually their tolerance of you.
You say you feel like they have lumped you with him.? You chose him. They are sick of him. Reach out to them and have days out together without your husband around. Make the effort to stay in their lives without your husband in theirs. He doesn’t need to be. Don’t tell him stuff also. It’s your private friendships. Keep him very seperate but reach out to them. Tell them you know what he is like and understand why but you want them in your life. Listen to them also.
I do hope you're okay most importantly, I can see you're sad, lonely and a bit isolated so I'll try and say this as gently as possible.
My mum's partner and your husband could be the same person by the sounds. Hes a horrible man, I literally can't think of one redeeming quality. My mum has had so many people cut her off because of him also, I've had to pull back too and so have most of our family!
As much as his behavior embarrasses her, in my eyes she chooses to be with him therefore she accepts his attitude, his rudeness, his disrespect, the fact he purposely makes people uncomfortable and his overall unpleasantness.
People "lumping her in" with her idiot partner is a consequence of her own choices. She's been with him so long now that people just have no sympathy for her anymore as well.
The others comments have addressed your friends but in relation to you daughter - just STOP ok. Stop blaming your ex and his family. She is an adult capable of making her own decisions. Don’t drag her into this BS “telling her the truth”, honestly how does that improve your relationship with her. Just forget them and that shit and concentrate on fixing your relationship with her independent of your ex, his family and your husband.
I can guarantee your daughter stays away for the same reason your friends do.
She’s an adult and she would start to see through her other families ‘lies’ if your partner wasn’t so offensive.
Get rid of him, show your friends and family that you won’t put him around them anymore and they will gradually come back.
Why would you want people you love to be exposed to someone so horrible?
Your husbands behaviour makes it easy for your daughter to believe the lies and you do condone his behaviour because you are with him.
The question here is how does he treat you? are you a victim of abuse? do your friends and daughter see his BS and not want to be a part of the circus?
My sister was married to the biggest wanker in the world. made her house bound by ensuring she couldn't leave the house either by "running late so he couldn't watch the kids" screaming at her before she left so she felt guilty, or making sure she had no money. These are all forms of abuses He was also directly rude to anyone who would come over. It took her 9 years to realise he was the issue. And she was in fact a victim. The only thing that saved her was myself and mum kept in contact, either by secret messages or money to make sure she was okay. the day she realised she could stand on her own two feet. She left, called him on his BS and stood up for herself. Let me tell you it has been hard for her, but she is happy like i haven't seen her in years, friends, work and a life he wouldn't let her have. Might be time to look at the whole picture, if you are loosing important people, what are you gaining? and 1 person seems to be the cause? You need to decide what happens next