I don’t even know where to begin… I have a 12-year-old son who has just been diagnosed with level 2 autism.
I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have an 18 month old together. I also have a daughter, 9, and he has an 11 year old son.
My kids are 50/50 with their dad and we have his son full time.
We both have very different parenting styles and we are struggling. My partner is very black and white and I’m very laid back.
My partner has rules about time outside before tv/technology, it’s 15 mins after school outside without me and an hour on the weekends. He won’t budge on this. My 12 year old son refuses to do this as he doesn’t believe kids his age should have to for technology. This ends up with him being bored all the time. He won’t go outside without me so ends up playing the rubix cube all weekend or following me around. I end up spending lots of extra time with my son to keep him entertained. My partner says he is 12 and has real issues if he can’t go outside by himself and i’m babying him. My son is great at school and excelling at his work.
My 12 year old talks back to my partner, has no respect for him and doesn’t listen to what he says. Doesn’t think to help around the house. My son also can never comprehend what’s he’s done wrong, even though he is in the wrong. He is also off to his room at 6pm to do whatever as punishment.
My eldest daughter has no issues with the rules and is happy to go outside. She loves him. He does lots for her because she listens and helps out.
In turn of my son’s bad behaviour, he refuses to cook him dinner some nights (we have extras in the freezer he can eat and is free to cook his own), doesn’t want him in our living area and most recently he said he didn’t want him coming on a family holiday.
I said if he didn’t go, I wouldn’t go, and now he’s saying if he ruins our holiday that’s the end of us. I’ve always been one to include all the family, despite behaviour. I’d rather get him outside and take him somewhere fun. But my partner questions if he has earnt it with his behaviour. My partner says I never back him up when my son is disrespectful or rude.
He says he doesn’t work all day to come home to someone ungrateful who always complains about what he cooks.
Most days are a battle between them, my son has depression, anxiety, and has started self harming. My partner says I need to harden up and I don’t know how to be a mum.
I work casual two jobs and he works full time. He says he never gets thanks for all he does for us (cooking, grocery shopping, filling my car up with petrol) and I only criticise about how he treats my son.
I help out with his business by doing invoices and looking after his son and making sure he has what he needs when he’s not around.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner and he is amazing with our daughter and the other two kids, it’s just the issues my son and he have which are causing conflict.
He’s asked me to ask others out there, their opinions, because he says I need to step up and be stricter.
I see my child who is struggling with some things and he has no filters and can’t deal well with my partner’s harshness?
42 Replies
Your son has asd. What accommodations and understanding is he getting? He has mental health issues, hes self harming, this is critical and your partner doesnt cook his dinner?? Doesnt want him on a holiday? Tells you youre a shit mum? Hes picking a fight with your child over arbitrary rules right now?
Id sit down with my partner and let him know youll be doing the parenting and discipline of the son for now. Partners job is to build a positive relationship.
Take your child out somewhere private and have a really good talk. Hear him. Make agreements. Override rules if theyre nothing but power plays. Set out a schedule so you all know the expectations, and start fresh.
You have to realise you are having your child live in this situation. When this guy leaves like hes threatening, youll have to look at your son and answer for what he went through. At the end, it comes down to you.
I worry your partner is grinding you down. I think he has no nidea how to handle your boy well. But hes telling you youre shit when actually its him thats the problem for your child. You are a great mum. You know what your boy needs, you know how he can be when he's happy and loved. Be a good mum to him and stand up for him.
Your partner sounds like a dick.
Is that your stock standard reply to any post about marriage disputes
The "dick" comment isn't mine but come on, this is beyond just a marriage dispute!
Some people just aren't very good with words and explanations. The dick lady coment above is one of them Lol.
I think its succint. Hes the problem.
I’m not sure that the outside rule is that unreasonable. So In that regard your son is being unreasonable. He absolutely should be able to manage to spend 15mins or an hour entertaining himself outside. ASD or not.
Children shouldn’t have to be entertained all the time. It is ok if they are bored!
However I don’t agree at all with banning him from family trips or the living areas - that is actually really nasty! Refusing to cook a meal for one child is in my mind psychologically abusive. Children deserve to have their needs met and to feel safe in their environment.
Your partner is an adult and he needs to start acting like one.
Your son needs consistent and fair consequences for his actions.
Your husband is the asshole. What say do you have in the rules of your house? Not allowed in the living room? No dinner? No holiday? Treated differently to the other kids? Not only are you going to end up with a teenager that wants nothing to do with you, he is also going to suffer some mental health issues on top of his ASD and raging teenage hormones! He's already started self harming. Get your act together, put your kids first and get them out of that environment.
I still hate my mother to this day for allowing her pig of a husband to treat us kids the way he did. She rarely stood up for us. I'm in my late 40's and still heavily affected by her always putting him first. She did it out of her own fear of him too but i don't give a fuck. We were the kids and she let us suffer because of him.
If you don't fix this now and stand up for your kid , within reason, he will be me one day and hate you too . Fix it while you still can. You need a reality of harshness truth here before this whole thing escalates beyond your control and damages your relationship with your son forever .
I got through half of this and couldn't read anymore. Leave him before you have no son
That sounds like a great idea. Fail to parent your son, blame your partner and leave another child living without their parent
If you can sleep at night using those parent techniques or if you can afford the psychologist bill for 3 children.
Only one child voices their opinion but I’m sure the sisters sees it and is affected by it.
Oh god thats the worst thinking, so you just want to look at this kids situation, ignore everything and say 'but youre sister seems ok' That is mental. That poor boy.
How did you have a child with a man who is like this with your son??
If a man came into my life and treated my child like this then he’d be out the door. It doesn’t matter that he gets along with your daughter, he isn’t giving your child what he needs. If it’s too hard for him to parent your child to his needs then he the adult is the problem. I have children one spectrum and if my husband (who is not their biological father) can research autism and can work out the way he’s doing things doesn’t work for that specific child and can change things up to my child’s needs then your partner should also be able to do this.
Your partner is stubborn and wrong when it comes to your child. Yes encouraging a child to go outside is important and we 12 any “normal” child should be able to go outside by themselves and keep themselves entertained. But your child is not any “normal” child no matter how much he expects him to be. Give him some tasks to do when outside. “Collect 10 different and interesting leaves” find 4 bugs and give him the jars to collect them, find 4 kinds of rocks etc
As a fellow autism mum, I can say it is your partner who is being unreasonable and that he is hindering your child’s development by treating him like this. Your child will be feeling unwanted by your partner and to be honest I don’t know how you stay with someone who tells you that he doesn’t want to spend quality time with your child and wishes to exclude him from a family holiday. And who refuses to cook for a kid but will feed their own? That’s abuse right there!!
And give your son a damn chores list!!
If you want him to help, give him a list of set jobs he can do to help and they are the jobs he needs to do.
He has Autism… how much do you know about ASD? if he’s only just gotten a diagnosis. Your son is not a mind reader and oblivious to anything that doesn’t concern him. Those dishes in the sink he’s not going to think about doing them. He will walk past that pair of shoes 50 times before you tell him to put them away. Kids with ASD thrive on routine and order they don’t just start helping around the house without prompting. Give him a list of chores daily and weekly (put a day next to the weekly ones don’t just put weekly) laminate it and allow him to tick off the ones he does as he does them. Then at the start of the new week wipe it off and let him start over again.
When my child suffered depression and anxiety our whole household changed. Forget work, schedules, commitments, chores. Mental health comes first. Every single thing done in that house right now should be done with gentleness, kindness, support and concern for getting him better. But its nowhere near that. Im sad for him. You dont seem to recognise how serious his situation is? Your partner wants you to write in to have strangers affirm what hes telling you. It all quite worries me. Are you confused? Senses dulled in this relationship?
I think you've written in before and got the same answers.
You son has depression, anxiety and is self harming, how bad does it have to get?
Partner needs to be supportive or get out.
Please put your son first.
This is why you have to be so cautious with re-partnering when children are involved. You owe it to your children to ensure you're not bringing the wrong people into their lives.
I feel so sorry for your son.
12 is a tough age as it is. He's hormonal, he's transitioning into his teen years and he'll be experiencing heighented, often unreasonable expectations from people. Your son has some extra challenges given his neuro divergence, his recent diagnosis and his mental health.
Refusing to cook for him, not allowing him to use the living areas in his own home and not wanting him to join the family on holiday - that's all really spiteful, it borders on emotional abuse actually.
Your partner has only been on the scene for 5 years and your children's biological father clearly plays an active role in their lives if you have a 50/50 arrangement.
Your partner has over stepped his role, he should be your 2IC, he should be backing you up but right now he has taken over, he's dictating and he's placing arbitrary rules for your kids!
He's constantly putting you down, disparaging your parenting and giving you an unfair ultimatum about the holiday. It's very controlling behavior!
I truly don't know how you followed up everything you wrote with "I love him".
All the wonderful traits in the world wouldn't be enough for me to tolerate this.
This is not how you effectively blend a family.
Your children's wellbeing comes first. Always. That might mean making some hard decisions!
Seems like he tells her often how great he is, and puts the pressure on that her youngest will be without a father is she leaves him.
I would be feeling very confused if I were your son. Wondering why you’re allowing this man to treat him so horribly? It doesn’t matter how nice he is to others, in fact I’d argue it makes it worse as it’s targeted aggression and isolation. Your son won’t forget you sitting back while this goes on, expect some resentment from him going into later teenage years and then adulthood if you continue to allow this man to treat your son like an inconvenient dog.
Yes, you might well love your partner. But ask yourself if you love your son?
"Of course I do you bitch" I hear you scream.
For the past 5 years in varying degrees you've been showing your son that this man is more important to you than he is. I don't believe that was out of spite, or cruelty, or neglect but simply because you didn't realise.
This ultimatum brings it all to the fore though doesn't it?
I hope your partner is about to learn the hard way that when he makes an ultimatum like that he WILL lose. I'm glad this opportunity arose to open your eyes to your sons struggles right now.
Yes she ignores a lot because she loves him. What about your son??
How about you stop blaming your partner and start parenting your son. Stop being so “laid back” before it bites you in the arse and you have an out of control teen and no partner (not to mention a little one without a dad). Get off your arse, take responsibility for your child, get him appropriate therapy, get some counseling for your marriage and get on the same page with your husband (that doesn’t mean you have to agree to his way but it does mean you commit to working together).
Are you the husband!
Laid back doesn’t mean she is lazy.
Laid back means she picks her battles.
At the end of the day we are developing adults. Who should be able to voice an opinion and have it discussed. Unless you want to raise a zombie who can’t think for themselves and can only follow orders.
You are inadvertently saying you agree with the step father psychologically abusing the children
Wow, that’s reaching a bit. This is the kind of opinion that is leading the world to be full of people who can’t cope with life and try to sue each other over hurt feelings.
Maybe the OP does need to rethink her parenting strategies (I don't actually think there's enough information here to critique her parenting but anyway).
A parental figure refusing to cook for ONE child, trying to exclude that ONE child from a family holiday, not allowing that ONE child to integrate with the family in the living room - there's no defending that.
It's completely unacceptable and severely damaging. The partner is to blame for that!
It does sound like the dad. Full of enthusiasm pushing things in completely the wrong direction.
I do agree to get him into a psychologist.
I do agree to relay the strategies they teach you to your partner. Get HIM on your page. Step up and run this thing. You can be laid back (aka gentle, understanding, supportive, scaffolding etc etc) and still be in charge. Its your son, if you say it happens that way, thats your call.
Hmm maybe it’s because that ONE child is behaving badly. Should the whole family be punished for the bad behaviour of ONE child? What a terrible way to teach consequences.
Tell me you’re ignorant about neurodiversity without saying you’re ignorant about neurodiversity. Gross.
Ps threatening the little one with no dad is emotional abuse. The little one has a dad. If they split, they still have a dad. If he chucks a hissy and disowns the child, they still have a dad, a really shit one. Much better to all be rid of someone like that than to punish them each one by one along with the bullshit the mums copping by keeping him around. Treating one, two or three out of 4 right is not 'good enough'.
Yes let’s blame the victims and keep the cycle of abuse going.
He is abusing them. All of them. The son, the mother and even the other kids by playing favourites. It’s disgusting and so are you for condoning it.
You can't leave your child out of family time as that shouldn't be seen as reward however I think you need to get a bit tougher on your son, yes 12 years should be spending time outside 15mins isn't really that hard honestly and no you don't need to hold his hand, he is 12 not 2 (yes I understand autism ) your son should also be doing chores to help out around the house whether they are bug or small at 12 he needs to have some input. I think you have let him get away with treating your partner like crap for far to long and in turn your 12 year old has turned abot spoilt because he knows you give in to him all the time.
You and your partner need to work together as a team. It sounds like you have a great partner who does everything for you and your children it's not hard to expect some respect in return.
Way to victim blame.
Her husband is abusive. No ifs no buts. The only thing she needs to be doing is kicking his ass out and protecting her son before she no longer has a son to protect. Self harming isn’t being spoilt. It’s a reaction to trauma, and mental illness.
My stepdad was exactly the same way with my little brother and my mother sided with my stepdad. My brother no longer has a relationship with her and is all sorts of messed up from the trauma, and I’m the one left picking up the pieces many many years later. I will never forgive her for allowing the abuse.
You say you understand autism but your comment shows you clearly don’t, ignorant AF.
I agree with your partner and it sounds like you may be adding to the problem. It sounds like he feels unappreciated. He clearly cares and is trying hard.
There should be consequences for your sons bad behaviour. That’s how kids learn. Autism can’t be used as an excuse!!! If you excuse everything away ‘because of his autism’ you are teaching him to do the same. I think your partner is right about being stricter. Do you spoil your son and excuse bad behaviour ‘because of his autism’? The rest of the world won’t do that. You could be setting him up for failure.
Your partner is trying to make your kids have a life outside of technology - that is great. I don’t see why that is a problem.
Relationships include compromise. You don’t seem willing to compromise or take his opinion in. Have you considered that maybe you could be wrong about some things? You say yourself he is amazing with your other kids so maybe he is onto something.
My 10 y/o girl has just been diagnosis as level 2 also. It’s a hard realm to navigate but one that needs the support of so many services. Our psych has been amazing at giving me different approaches to achieve the same result. Some times it’s a simple as giving her the tasks she needs to do at night and asking which order she would like to do them in.
Food sensitivity is a trait of Autism, for some it’s texture, others taste but it’s not just them being a picky eater. It’s so much more complex then that. There are foods my daughter cannot stand that the rest of the family love so we substitute for her. To exclude your son from the family dinner - in the one place he is meant to feel safe and secure and allowed to be himself is heartbreaking.
They mask it all day, they survive all day - home is meant to be his safe place. A place he can calm down from the sensory inputs, a place he can recharge for the next day but it sounds like such turmoil and exclusion - when does he great a break from it all?
Your partner is a big frigging child and needs to grow the heck up. He only treats your daughter like a queen because she is obedient, what happens if she rebels? Sounds like the man baby is only happy when things are in his control and that send major red flags to me. Not feeding your son and excluding him from family is abusive and I'm seriously surprised that your ex hasn't caught wind of this and refused visitation..
May I ask how your son is with his dad? Are you and your sons dad on the same page on how you are to tackle these issues your son is facing? There seems to be a lot of information missing which may lead to what side of the fence people are.
I dunno, call me crazy but you would have married this guy cause he was a good parent as well as other things right? So maybe some compromise🤷♀️ is the boy seeing you argue on his behalf or listening to convos your having with your friends about him? This could also be why he is disrespectful to him cause he feels its warranted and you'll have his back. I see everyone jumping down this guys throat, but you've said yourself he is a great parent its just with your son there's problems. Honestly most of the problem could be coming from you🤷♀️
Sorry but I think despite his diagnosis he should be able to be outside for 15mins without you for time on devices. You should absolutely back your husband on that. In fact ours is more like an hour! He’s 12 not 16 - when he starts working on the weekends or doing more around the house he can spend more time on a device.
Your partner not cooking him dinner - is this because he refuses to eat that particular dinner? I’m all for that. He can grab something from the freezer that he likes and will actually eat. I have a child like this. He o it likes about 3 things I make and the rest of the family shouldn’t have to suffer because he genuinely doesn’t like anything else!
The idea that he shouldn’t come on holidays and can’t be in the living room is terrible though. Is it because he fights with your husband so he gets sent to his room? I get that but a blanket ban is not on.
I think your husband needs to read some info on ASD but it also sounds like you are way too soft on your son and not backing up your husband. Diagnosis or not disrespect from a child to an adult is not ok.
Good luck OP. Let us know how it all goes.
I'm going to come from a different angle here.
What type of outside help have you got arranged for your son so far?
I'm asking this because I'm thinking you and your husband may benefit from some education together on ways to handle your son and his Autism.
As in attending some sessions with each other to find some tools that may work in your household.
In the meantime, sit down with your husband and nut out a plan together as a team to establish a routine for your son.
A very clear, day by day routine that gives him visual expectations that he can work through easily.
This might take some of that mental pressure off all of you.
Your husband needs to drop this whole exclusion thing though. This is heartbreaking to read! It's abusive and so damaging to your poor son.