I'll try and make this short. I've been with my husband for 8 years and we have 3 kids.
The good: He treats me like a queen. 100% considerate and puts my needs and wants before his ALWAYS. Will not do anything in life that does not benefit me and his kids. Very affectionate. Expresses his love and desire for me daily. Is a fantastic, hands-on father who often has more patience with the kids than me. Loves his family and is a very kind, caring and generous person in general.
The difficult: Extremely emotional and sensitive. Self doubting. Doesn't understand why I love him and is constantly worried that I'm going to leave. Needs constant reassurance but that is still never enough. Is always trying to read me, always wondering what I'm thinking and always thinks he has upset me somehow. Overthinks every facial expression and word I say and thinks there is hidden meaning behind everything. Requires and wants to give constant affection. Believes that he loves me more than I love him. Cries allot which makes it difficult to settle disagreements because I don't like seeing him upset. Sometimes extends his self doubt to the kids and gets upset with a lack of love and praise from them. Won't make decisions about anything in life, just wants whatever I want to keep me happy. Is extremely cynical and believes the worst in people outside of his family. Judges others heavily despite his fear of being judged.
I'm not saying my way is right and his is wrong, we are who we are. But I am pretty much the complete opposite to all of this and do get very frustrated at times. I absolutely love him. He is the love of my life and I would never ever leave and I try and show him this as much as he needs but it doesn't seem to make a difference at all and I do back off sometimes because it's all just so exhausting. He understands that what he is doing is pushing me away and causing the exact thing that he is afraid of but he can't control it. When he tries to control it he just completely shuts down, there is no in between. But he can't hold that very long because he starts worrying that he is upsetting me 🙄
Has anyone else been or is currently in a similar relationship? How have you successfully navigated having completely opposite personalities?
There has been recent talk of him talking to a professional but he worries that my suggesting that means I think that we are broken and won't work so I am trying to do it gently and for it to be his idea and help him book something when he's ready.
6 Replies
I actually think this might extend further than him just being a sensitive soul and you guys having differing personalities.
The overthinking, the constant need for reassurance, the self doubt, the neediness, his negative outlook, not being able to resolve disagreements without tears - all big signs of anxiety and possibly depression.
Try and come at it from a place of love, such as "Hunny, can I make you a doctor's appointment? I'm really concerned about your mental health, please know that I love you and I care about you, that's why I am asking if I can help you with this. I can come with you if you like and I'm here to support you".
It may also be worth getting yourself some professional support in place, a counsellor or therapist for example.
Is his mum still waiting for him to self regulate his emotions?
1. He can control it. He needs to get to a psych and help himself. Sensitive is one thing, if its over the line of mental health and sabotaging relationships then he needs to seek help. And you dont need to indulge that or take blame.
2. As the mother of a sensitive soul, I would like them to be loved and handled gently. This doesnt mean pandering, they can still be told no. But give them the space to go through their thing and come out the otherside. I dont know about yours, but mine is great at bouncing back. Will have their meltdown which i set boundaries on but love them through, then will continue on. I would hate for someone to turn it all into a blowout argument or wind them up at that time. Love them through it, but keep firm boundaries on their problems not being your problems.
Tips on being married to a sensitive man - don’t be an asshole.
That pretty much sums it up.
Jesus Christ. All I hear from this is ‘my husband is being too nice to me’. That must be hard.
You’re rolling your eyes that he worries he’ll upset you? Is HE really the problem here?
Oh my goodness. I am a sensitive person and do some of the things your husband does. If I found out my husband felt the way you do, I would be heartbroken.
Perhaps he has a history you are not aware of that has made him feel this way. I know personally, I am like this because I have been cheated on and in very abusive relationships, in every relationship I have ever been in. So I am constantly analysing relationships (regardless if they are a sexual/work/friendship relationship). And constantly in a state of worry that I have done something wrong - like CONSTANTLY. For example, I am great at my job, never put a foot wrong and get promoted etc. However, every time I get called to my bosses office I start to have a panic attack. Or any time my husbands tone is different, I start trying to figure out why.
Just because you have a different personality type, doesn't mean it's something to "deal with". You work together to understand his personality and how to make him feel comfortable
If it's stressful for you, it would be 10 times worse for him.
Perhaps, if you want to speak with someone, explain that this is something for both of you so you can both work on mental health - not only his, but yours too. Go together, and if he feels comfortable enough after a few sessions, he goes alone to see if there is something he can work on alone.
And a way to help you, focus on the positives. He treats you like a queen. That's a pretty good starting place.
As someone who previously had similar behaviours to your husband, it feels like he has underlying mental health issues. My current partner helped me to identify unhealthy relationship behaviours and I’m so grateful he did. He set consistent, gentle boundaries, was reliable and trustworthy and loving, and helped me get help. The way he helped me I never doubted his love for me (maybe a bit at first - but I also didn’t like the way I was feeling in those times, so I had an open mind to make changes for myself as well as for our relationship), and our relationship is so strong and healthy now as a result. The way you approach it (showing him and phrasing it through the love you have for him as outlined in the first paragraph) might help him help himself.
For me, much of my negative relationship behaviour was triggered by negative self talk. It takes a lot of time and effort to change entrenched things like that. In the beginning my behaviours continued but I would be able to reflect and discuss with my partner what was actually going on in my head. I imagine that would have been a frustrating time for my partner but he was non judgemental and listened throughout it. Lifestyle changes made my mental health generally improve. I still have bad days, but instead of acting out old behaviours I just give my partner a heads up that I’m in a flat/needy mood and working hard with it that day. The difference is now instead of me thinking there is something up between ‘us’ I know there is something up with me and I am seeing the world through a particular unhelpful prism and try not to fixate or read too much into my thoughts until Im in a better headspace. It’s a slow process but I’m super glad my partner stuck around through it.