I never thought this would happen to me.
My ex and I were together for 17 years, 3 young children together.
I called it quits last year after years of him basically ignoring me and the kids, and have since seen the gaslighting and sexual abuse that went on in our relationship (it’s funny how clearly you see things when you leave).
We had parenting orders made, we agreed on all the things. I had 100% parental responsibility in the orders because he just wasn’t interested in that stuff, he just wanted to see the kids every 2nd weekend and a few nights in between when it suited him. We were co parenting like champs.
I started dating someone new recently and ex absolutely flipped, committed many acts of family violence against me, and there was psychological damage to the kids as well as they witnessed it. We ended up in a safe house, and an FVO put in place.
Fast forward and he is allowed to see the kids again (with a family member supervising until he completes a psychological assessment) but there has been no contact from him to my lawyer since the FVO was changed so he could see the kids.
He calls the kids here and there and appears as happy as anything on FaceTime with the kids.
It’s killing me that the kids are asking to see him, they miss him. I know he loves them.
I just don’t understand why he’s gone all radio silent. Why wouldn’t he take every opportunity to see his kids?
His parents are loaded financially and I feel like they are preparing their army. I know them, I know he isn’t just ‘not interested in his kids’. I know something is coming at me. I’m just a sitting duck waiting.
And then there is me. I’m a mess. This has been the most traumatic few months of my life. I’m showing symptoms of ptsd, I have insomnia and my anxiety is so extreme, I just don’t recognise myself. Every car like his I see I panic. I’ve gotten speeding fines lately, and I’ve never received any before in my life. I’m just so distracted and overwhelmed all the time.
I’ve been sick non stop, I’m so run down, I can’t think straight. I work full time, and I just have zero motivation for work, I can’t think of anything to contribute at all in meetings (I’m in management, in HR, and I’m usually so smart and quick and witty), I just stare into space. I can’t drop hours or I can’t keep a roof over my head. But I’m juggling everything with the kids by myself without help.
I’m terrified the police will show up at my door and demand the kids go to him (although my lawyer is adamant that won’t happen) and I’ll lose my babies.
I’m terrified I’ll be a single mum doing it 100% on my own forever with this grey cloud always looming.
I didn’t want this. I want him involved in his kids lives, but he needs to be mentally healthy to do that.
I’m medicated for depression and see a psychologist. I have family support.
Will I ever feel like me again?
Will I ever feel at peace again?
Will I ever be able to laugh again?
Will I be able to go to sleep and not wake in a panic like the world is about to end?
Please be kind in your responses.
5 Replies
He is an abusive piece of shit and you should be protecting them. Eventually he'll treat them the same way, its who he is. He is already isnt he? Broken hearts now and cutting him off is the best thing for them. Hes done you a favour.
The grey cloud is him. Its all him. Yes you will smile and laugh and enjoy it when youre clear of him.
I’m been in this exact situation and I can tell you the lawyers have advised them to keep minimal contact and they’ll be throwing everything they can at you. It’ll get worse before it gets better and I’m so sorry you have to experience this. Please get a lawyer, suss out your options and make a plan.
Get yourself and your children some professional help. This can also be a advantage for you in court.
You’ll find yourself again. It’ll take time ❤️
Sorry in advance for the essay..
I left a DV relationship and it got so much worse for me mentally before it got better. I too was terrified my ex would gang up on me with his family, because to them I was just the surrogate, his Mother has a sick obsession with him and I spent over a decade with her competing against me for his attention, she was always jealous of us being a family and I know for a fact they tried to do shit behind the scenes to try and destroy me mentally but thankfully they're idiots so any time they tried to do or say anything I had proof to show otherwise. I got some relief when my ex moved away, and then his mother moved away to live with him so I felt safer, but the best advice I can give is talk to people. It's great you're getting help, but talk to everyone. Talk to people at work. Talk to teachers. Talk to your neighbours. Because at the end of the day, they will probably notice something is going on and honestly if it comes down to it, you will have reputable people as witnesses that aren't immediate family. I had only told 2 managers at work at first so they could back me up if I was off one day, but once I started opening up to more people I realised I had so much support. I was able to show certain people messages, if I was on my lunch break and someone I trusted was in the staff room and he rang I would put the phone on loud speaker so they could hear the vile and horrible things my ex said so I had witnesses for everything. My kids school could confirm I dropped them off every day because they made it a point of casually verbally asking the kids who dropped them off so if they needed to they could write me a witness statement. I also picked my kids up from after school care every night and they knew to keep records just in case because I had to physically sign them out. We also spent a few weeks in a refuge after my ex threatened to pick the kids up from school and disappear so I kept in contact with all the support workers there and kept them in the loop. Honestly the police in my experience where absolutely useless so I just made sure I had a huge support group that were happy to write me statements if I ever needed them.
Good luck Mumma. You can and will get through this, even if it doesnt feel like it now x
Please link into a service that works within the SAFE AND TOGETHER MODEL this means partnering with the victim (you) and making the perpetrator of violence accountable for his parenting choices ( domestic violence against you is a parenting choice!!!)
It uses language that outlines the effects the perpetrator has on the family functioning and the protective factors the victim has over the children. This is vital if you go to court.
Good luck 💜
I’m a cop and we don’t get involved in child custody matters. So don’t stress about that! We would never be taking kids from a Mum unless their lives are in danger.