Hi all. After some advice but please no judgement. My husband has children from a previous marriage. I have a great relationship with them and love the dearly. I treat them as if they are my own...the oldest is about to start high school and his mum has applied for a private school without consulting hubby or myslef. I know im not their mum, but my finances are toed in with hubby due to us being married and i feel as though i should be included in the discussions as it also impacts me.
Thoughts?
25 Replies
If mum chooses a private school then she is responsible for paying. It has no impact on you or your finances, nor hubby's for that matter, hubby's only financial responsibility to mum is to pay child support (unless he also agrees to the private school)
Yes i agree. Plus i thought thats what child support covers (he already pays more than expected). But she has a way of convincing him to do what she wants. He cant be bothered with the arguements. If he does agree, is it something i should be included in given its a fair chunk of money that comes out of OUR living and lifestyle?
What difference would it make if we were to say you should or shouldn't be included? It's up to mum and dad if you're included or not. Sounds like your husband needs to grow a backbone tho and put you (his current wife/partner) first. I certainly wouldn't put up with any of that
If you want to come in and make negotiations harder and make decisions different to what he would then hard no, you wouldnt be invited in.
Or maybe he should put his child first and contribute to private schooling fees?
What a monster, wanting to educate his child in the best way possible.
Maybe the schools in the area are as rough as guts.
Maybe he should consider his child’s future?
As a single full time working single mum, I couldn’t afford private school fees on my own.
Mum must be paying for it herself then if she doesn't ask the other parent.
No. Your husband discusses with you and goes into negotiations knowing what suits his household but he thinks about his child differently and the coparenting decisions and discussions are between the parents.
If he has decided to still fund this then he should have spoken about it with you since you share finances and your own kids may now be missing out on stuff to pay for the other kids private schooling. Since I have the same family set up as you I would be very upset with this situation and insist that she fully pay the fees since it was her choice to enrol them without any thought to anyone else.
Sorry I just read again and see that you haven't mentioned kids of your own. I guess that's a bit different if you don't have your own kids as that's what would annoy me, the difference between the kids.
But there is a difference between the kids. Your kids live with both of their parents.
Who said that? We don't have kids together, we have kids each and we have about the same amount of care each. Spending more on one set of kids is out of the question, we treat them all the same. Hence why I would be annoyed at the above situation.
You love them dearly.. but resent them going through a private school due to cost affecting your lifestyle. Children are part of that lifestyle.
There are so many factors that have likely influenced Mums decision to use private schooling. It’s unfair to say or imply she has done it with an expectation that you will pay or that she has done it to annoy you.
They may have had these discussions previously, so she assumed he would still be ok with the idea of private schooling.
It also depends on what level of private tuition- I mean the local Catholic high school may only be $3-5k a year. She may also be able to have a fee reduction given she is a single mother.
I personally wouldn’t send a dog I liked to our local public school. And if I were to split with my husband I know he certainly wouldn’t begrudge me wanting the best for our child/ren.
Please don’t come for me. I realise there are brilliant public high schools around and if we were a suburb over and zoned differently my children would absolutely go public!
Her reasoning is not a question it's that she went ahead without discussing it all with the other parent, who she will probably expect to pay for it. It's also a pretty big parenting decision and should have been discusses anyway.
The post more implies he does agree to it, thats why OP wants to be there as she wants to disagree. Her issue is with him, not her.
How does it imply that when it clearly states that she went ahead and did it WITHOUT consulting the father at all? Honestly, did they stop teaching reading comprehension when you went to school?
Her reasoning is absolutely a question.. of course it is. They likely discussed high school previous to their split. Probably the only one who is blind sided is the step mum. That is on her partner though not bio mum..
And he should support his children’s education. He prob doesn’t have to.. but he should it is the right thing to do.
We also don’t know that bio mum didn’t discuss with dad just that step mum wasn’t involved in that discussion
Sorry just to be clear here, i dont begrudge the kids going to a private school. Thats not the ussue. And i do love them dearly and have never hesitated soending money on them. The simple fact is bio mum didnt discuss this with my husband and the way we found out was a letter in the mail thank him for his application. Of course if its the best option for the child, then fine. But yes my husband will discuss it woth me....oh and she isnt a single mum. Has a partner and earns more than us
So does your resentment lie in your perception they earn more?
If your happy to do what’s best for the child anyway - why are you creating a drama here?
I would make sure his signature hasn't been forged on application papers. I'm not sure if all private schools do it but on my sons application form you had to say who was responsible for the fees and what percentage each person was paying so they hold those people liable for the fees.
Its always, always between the bio parents. Not the step parents. If he's paying child support he won't legally be asked to pay more anyway based on the private school being her sole decision. Unless he is happy to pay, there really isn't anything you can do about it . So quietly just stay out of it. This is what happens when you are in blended families and choose to be with someone who already has kids. Suck it up and don't add to dads pressure.
Wow there seems ro be some very harsh judgemental people on here. From what i can gather the OP qas asking a simple question. Never once said that she resents bio mum earning more, never said she resents going to a private school. Has just made the comment about bio mum going behind dads back and applying without him knowing. I find it sad that as womam we have this place as an outlet for support, yet there seems to be little of that.
OP - i think talk to your husband, tell him your concerns, but also support the decision that he makes
My partners ex decided one day she wanted to put there daughter in a private school and then tried to say we need to pay x amount buy a particular time. My partner and I sat down and decided that it wasn't something we wanted to pay toward. So told her her choice her cost. So while it's not the mothers responsibility to discuss it with you, it's the husband to decide if it's something you are happy to pay as a couple.
No, I don't feel I should be included in any discussions Hubby and his ex have about their child. I love him like my own and used to take all the school holidays off work to be home when he was with us (Stepson is now 19).
If they both want him to go to private school that is up to them to decide.
My husband's ex also wanted their son to go to private school but as she decided that without talking to hubby and checking if he could afford more payments on top of CS as well going halves in any extras like medical expenses, sporting fees and school camps, he said no and wouldn't sign any forms and she had to pay all school fees herself. Hubby still bought school books and uniforms though
At the end of the day legally you have no say, however if it was me and my husband did not discuss something that affected our households finances? We’d be having some serious come to Jesus moments. If anything at all had to change in our finances to accomodate this? He’d best be getting a second job or giving up his hobbies and spending money to account for the extra because it won’t be coming from our joint finances, nor will it be coming from my or my children’s hobby/spending money - you don’t want my input, you don’t get my money.