Y’all. I need some advise. My husband has a sketchy history. He’s quite, always kept to himself. I found a lot of gay porn in his history than I have never been able to get over, then told him about a debate I seen about men letting their girl use a dildo on them anally. He would never let go of that then started looking into harnesses and dildos and all that. I told him it’s just not something I’m comfortable with and don’t know that I ever would be. I don’t judge people who do it just isn’t something that appeals to me. Well after months and months of him not dropping it I told him if he wanted to try it to get one with a suction and do it to himself. I have had this fear that he is gay and just scared bc of his family and people’s reactions. But I supported him trying it, even bought him a dildo. Here’s my part that irritates me and makes me further think something. I swear he does that more then we even have sex , he doesn’t even try to have sex as much as he used to…
Ughh help me
26 Replies
Is there a something actually concerning outside of what you've written here to be deemed "sketchy" or do you just find people who are quiet, introspective and enjoy sexual practices you don't "sketchy"?
Not gonna lie, if it's the latter, that's a kind of disappointing attitude...
That aside: A lot of straight men enjoy anal or pegging, or maybe he is wrestling with his identity and sexuality. If he does sexually identify as something other than heterosexual, it doesn't exactly sound like the people in his circle are particularly open minded or supportive.
I don't know what else you can do other than talk to him directly about all this and asking him to be direct and honest with you in return so you know where you stand. Then go from there!
Totally agree!
If you have a feeling he is gay, he probably is. You are more than likely his safe place and cover of having to come out. Go with your gut here. I know a few married men who have come out in older age. I also know some who chest behind their wives back. Check his phone for grinder app. I wouldn’t trust him if it was me in this situation. I’d be long gone.
He’s gay, he just can’t admit it to himself or anyone else. He needs to be truthful to you and go from there. He could be putting you at risk. If I found gay porn on my husbands computer, I’d leave. He knows more than you think. He’s prob been with men for years.
Just because he enjoys it doesn't mean he's gay, that would be like saying women who love grinding are gay. Just because it's linked to gay sex doesn't mean you're gay for enjoying it.
Finding gay porn on his history! He’s def gay.
I watch lesbian porn, that definitely must mean I'm a lesbian then 🥴
I don’t know any at straight men that watch gay porn. If my husband was doing this and using that! I’d be long gone.
Wow, just wow
Wow just wow what.?
Def gay
Maybe he uses gay porn as a demo or to get ideas on what should or shouldn't happen during it.
He might be gay or he might be bi. He might be confused about his sexuality. You need to have an open and honest conversation with him, without judgment. Then when you know where he is at, you can decide where you go as a couple from there.
Plenty of straight guys love prostate play. It's not the same as being Gay.
Yeah he needs to come out of the closet.
Gay
I think you know he is gay, you just need him to confirm it. You need to speak with him, tell him you support him but you need to know the truth so you don’t waste your life away.
He has replaced you with his dildo! throw it out. I couldn’t be with a man that watches gay porn and does that. Not my cup of tea. each to their own but if my husband wanted to watch that, I’d be out.
If you feel he is gay, the 99% sure he prob is. Stick with your gut and get him Ti confess. It would be hard for him holding in this secret.
He would be hiding his biggest fear in coming out. You are more than likely a cover and comfort for him in hiding this. He would be so afraid of who will find out. He needs to be straight up honest with you, which is probably hard because he prob can’t even admit this to himself. Even if he is Bi, he needs to tell you. I certainly think he is gay. I just don’t know if anyone else’s male partners who look at gay porn either. Don’t ignore your gut feeling. You see what is happening and know what is going on here. He just struggles to come to terms with coming out. Admitting it to himself if his biggest issue, you next would be even harder. It’s easier for him to stay in the closet where he is. You need the truth.
Does he have sex with you? Does he become aroused while he's with you? Do you believe he loves you? Then despite all these comments he CANT be "gay" unless being bi or pan is "gay". You guys can all be as uncomfortable with his sexuality as you want but you don't get to just declare and label it for someone else. You don't decide what's "gay". Having sexual urges for both men and women.... goes against the definition of homosexuality. So unless he tells you flat out he's worked out he only ever has and only ever will like men exclusively then id go with the assumption that he isn't "gay" because all the clues he's giving you say he isn't.
I can give you two perspectives from both sides of that coin here. My first marriage I had a husband who was into anal play, gay porn, and wanted me to peg him. I wasn’t into it, so we didn’t. He would also hoist red flags like “if I weren’t with you, I’d probably be a hermit or gay”, and I knew he had previously had sex with men. After we separated, he had a couple of serious relationships with women, but I always wondered if he didn’t come out because of fear of his family. After his parents passed away he surprised us all, and transitioned, and is now much happier as my ex wife. I’m happier for her as she is now, and please excuse the mixed pronouns, but it’s difficult to relate a story about my ex-husband liking anal play, and talking about she/her without it becoming confusing. Now I’m up to post-transition, I’ll use correct pronouns.
My current husband also likes anal play, but only occasionally, and I can enjoy it now with him as I don’t feel it’s a main attraction rather than an enhancement to our pleasure. I have no concerns that he could possibly be bi or want to transition, despite my previous history.
If your gut instinct is telling you there’s something to be concerned about, chances are there is, and you need to have a conversation with your husband about what he’s feeling and going through. He doesn’t need to come out to his family if he’s not ready to, but he needs to at least be honest with the woman he loves and lives with. Good luck and I wish you well. This stuff is hard, no matter how accepting your are.
It is confronting at first. My husband was doing it behind my back (with my toys) and ended up causing us some issues between us because he started acting differently.
After lots of discussions it finally came out that he was scared about telling me, because of what I would think of him.
I'm an extremely open person, so it ended up with us being fine, because I would rather him be open to me about what he would want to try sexually and us try it together rather than perhaps finding someone else.
We got a pegging kit and gave it a go. It wasn't something that I ever thought I would do, but I ended up enjoying it.
Also, just because he is watching gay porn doesn't mean he's gay. He could be bi-curious or bi.
So he still has sex with you? He must enjoy it otherwise you would have mentioned that. He has told you what he'd like to try and you've given him another option but now you're pissed off about it?
If a woman wanted clitoral stimulation and her husband wouldn't provide it I don't think anyone would judge her for getting a vibrator 🤷♀️
I wouldn't jump straight to him being gay just based off this. He's your husband, have an honest conversation with him!
He’s gay!!!!!!!!!
I swear every comment is so focused on telling you why this doesn't make your husband gay, they have completely skipped over the part where you said he is doing it more than having sex with you. You really need to have an honest discussion because obviously you feel your own needs aren't getting met. So maybe start the conversation based on that, and see where it leads.