Hi ladies
I want everyone's opinion on a debate my husband and I are having. This gets heated and is causing much stress for our marriage.
So I want a 3rd child and husband is done with the 2 we have. Maternaly it's all I want and crave. Money is not an issue. We both work fulltime. Eldest is in private school and youngest will be 4 soon. He is using excuses like:
We can't travel with 3.
Life will be hectic etc
They won't leave home until he is -- years of age...
Blah blah blah is all I'm hearing, none of these are valid excuses in my opinion.
He has never had to get up to feed them or change them I do all of this and I am happy to do so. I have always had maternity leave and entitled now. We have an investment property so always have a back up for if I can't go back to work etc.
I want one asap and we have had this talk many times and getting no where.
How do I work around this without risking my marriage and him loosing me as I'm very set on this desire. I honestly feel that if I can't have a 3rd I will resent him and regret this for ever. He is a great husband but we are on very different pages. Please help. Am I being unrealistic here? I see his reasons and honor his feelings but no matter how hard I try and think of his perspective I just can't understand it. Help.
A debate about having another child
A debate about having another child
Posted in:
Kids
54 Replies
He doesn't need a valid excuse, he's throwing excuses out there because you're demanding it.
He said no. Case closed.
We have one, my partner would have loved more. I never needed an excuse for not wanting more, and have never been badgered hoping to wear me down.
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No not case closed. If I wanted one it def wouldn’t be case closed.
After repeated nagging he is still saying no.
That's not to say that the OP doesn't have options, but in her quest to make him want another which was the question - he said no. Case closed.
Well it's either you stay and come to terms with only having 2. Or you leave and have a child with someone else. Or you have another and he may end up resenting you and regretting the child. You can't force someone to want another child.
I have 2 girls and always wanted 4 but as my oldest gets to high school age I am sooooo glad I stopped at 2.
Your husband doesn’t want another child, please respect him enough to let it go.
A no always trumps a yes.
They may not be 'valid excuses' from your perspective, but they are for him. When you're done, you're done. His feelings of 'no' are as powerful and valid as your 'yes'. He'll resent you as much if you force him.
There's nothing on this planet that could have moved me to have more, no matter the desperation of my partner (luckily on the same page)!
I'd suggest counselling to accept it & move on. Start looking forward to the future. Plan adventures, career, holidays.
No means no. Be respectful or else you’re teaching your kids it’s okay to pressure someone into decisions they aren’t comfortable with!!!!
Sadly a no always trumps a yes. Not helpful I know.
Oh God I can see this situation becoming a tricked pregnancy and/or a divorce as you aren't going to back down.
Be careful what you wish for girl.
Options:
1. Have a baby anyway and risk him not bonding with the new baby and resenting you
2. Don't have a baby and resent him for it forever
3. Leave him, be a single Mum, try and find a suitable partner which could take years, have a baby.
Honestly though with number 2, do people really spend their whole life crying over not having another baby? I've never met anyone who is old who talks about that being a regret so I'm curious.
Sure they do, always in the back of your mind. It's not like you want another dog, it's a child. Maternal instinct is hard to ignore when you don't want to ignore it. It's not like something you think about constantly but you would think about it, how old the child would be now, how different Christmas would be, wonder if it would be a boy or a girl. I don't think it should be completely diminished just because she already has 2 kids.
Um, I never said it should be diminished? I just didn't realise people constantly are upset about it for their entire life up until they die.
Wow where did I say constantly upset until they die? I think you're just looking for a fight love, no need.
The original comment says resent him forever...so yeah until she dies.
Resentment aimed at a person over one thing is not the same as being upset for the rest of your life.
Option 4. Enjoy your family and appreciate what you have.
I love option 4 ❤ that's what I'd go for
I second option 4 ❤️
Just have one
I know if my husband didn’t want one and I really did, I would have one.
Have one, he will love the baby just the same. I couldn’t live with the regret if inknow I wasn’t finished having kids. I would find someone else to have one or Atleast tell him you will.
He will probably love the child. But he'd lose all trust in her and the marriage would be over if she got pregnant without consent. And just because he would love a child doesn't mean he wouldn't wish he didn't have a 3rd and that he wouldn't regret trusting that his wife wouldn't betray him. Or even that he wouldn't regret agreeing because he felt badgered and pressured to say yes against his will.
Imagine if we had the same approach to sex?
"Your partner said no? Just have sex with them anyway, they'll love it just the same".
"If you don't have sex with me, I'll find someone who will".
It should be a crime to coerce, manipulate or trick a spouse into a pregnancy and it should definitely be a crime to become pregnant without their permission!
Tell him if there is no more babies then you will find someone who will.
Sure. Shared care of her 2 actual children for the potential to meet someone new, fall in love and decide to have kids? Super easy and not at all selfish to her existing family. Honestly, if my husband have me an ultimatum like that I'd let him leave because it would be clear to me he didn't love me or our family.
Yer probably. I just know my husband would if i really desperately wanted one more.
Since he knows how she feels, he should never cum inside her again. He should from this point on, use condoms or get the snip. And if she were half decent she'd tell him this too.
That’s right then the final decision is left on him and he can live with it.
If I really wanted one so bad, I know my husband would support me in it. Even though he doesn’t want any more, I just know he would if I was so desperate to have one more. Everyone is different. If you really do want one, sit him down again and explain how serious you are about this. I couldn’t stop until I felt that I was done with having kids.
I actually can't believe there's people here suggesting that OP should just go get pregnant to her husband anyway.
That's so deceitful and it really blurs the lines of consent!
We're trying to teach our young men that no means no, why does that not apply to women too?
If my hubby poked holes in a condom and got me pregnant after being told under no uncertain terms, on more than one occasion that I didn't want more kids - if feel violated and it would be the beginning of the end of my marriage.
I'm honestly sick of seeing these posts. When one spouse is adamantly against more babies and it's been discussed at length, it's no longer up for debate...
I agree but I also think it's just as disturbing seeing people say she should just get over it and be happy with 2, when she's clearly said she isn't and wouldn't be in the future. She has every right to leave and start a new family with someone else if it's something she feels strongly about, same as he has the right to leave if she doesn't stop harassing him. They both want different things, it's unfair to tell her to suck it up while also stating he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. It's a contradiction.
Of course.
OP is free to do what she wants, should she choose to leave her husband to fulfill her maternal desire she can but that's a choice that doesn't come without consequences. I think that's what most people are getting at.
I know’ I wouldn’t just get over it.
Sick of seeing the posts scroll on then. It really affects some people and they are seeking support. Just coz it’s not your cup of tea the move on if you are so sick of it. Try reading some centrelink posts, they’ll keep you amused for a while.
Really! I think it’s always up for debate when both want different.
No one said about poking holes 🙄 if he doesn’t use protection knowing she so badly wants one then it’s on him. I would get rid of all precautions then see if he changes his mind.
Well take no precautions make sure he knows then it’s up to him to go fix it. My husband would if I wanted one more so badly.
Just Have one and hopefully you get twins 🤣 jokes!
😂
I guess I am really lucky here. My husband knows just how mucin I wanted another, he knows just how much I do for our kids & was always so supportive knowing I pretty much do it all while he works, so if anything he was more worried about me having the extra kid, so he was happy to go with what I want. He is an amazing dad and we have 4 kids. Wouldn’t change it for the world and I would not have wanted to stop at 2 or 3. Now I feel complete and know our family is too.
How does this help the op?!?
My life’s great....that’s what’s important.
Ikr 🙄
She has rights to want more kids. I know plenty that didn’t want any and have 4+ and have zero regrets. If he had reasons like he did it all, money is tight, no where to live etc then yes they are valid reasons. But just cause one says no doesn’t mean it’s case closed.
There's no win in this argument. But I think someone not wanting another child trumps someone wanting a child. I would suggest finding a way of coping with this. Perhaps fostering or getting a pet. Its obviously painful for you and for that im sorry, but your hubby has every right to say no.
He said no, end of! Have enough respect for him to accept that
I can't believe some of the replies.
"just get pregnant" IMAGINE the hate this man would get if the roles were reversed and he poked holes in a condom.
When it comes to creating a child, no always outweighs a yes. If you want this marriage to work, you need to learn to live with the 2 you have. And count your blessings for the 2.
I know of people who cannot even fall with one, no matter how hard they've tried and the steps they've taken.
These are valid excuses TO HIM regardless if you think they are or not. You sound like an entitled brat tbh.
As someone else has said, you've got 3 options. Live with your 2 and resent him forever, trick your husband and risk him hating you and the child or leave.
Honestly, if you were my wife and having to constantly have this discussion, I'd go and get a vasectomy.
I’m going to go against the grain here a little bit. I think your husband is giving you valid reasons, however you seem to have valid solutions also. I believe you need to let him know just how strong your desire is, and then leave things for a little while. Possibly write him a letter, explaining the way you feel - sometimes your emotions get in the way verbally when you feel so strongly.
It’s hard, but find something else to focus on for the time being.
He may be ready to have the conversation again after you have let the idea sink in.
I also think it may be worth seeking some help from a counsellor, by yourself and/or together - Marriage has many ups and downs and you’re not the first to feel like this.
Chin up x
I agree with this. My ex first said no when we were married, to having a 3rd. I definitely badgered him and argued, and I think it got to a point where he saw that my want for another baby was stronger than his want to NOT have another. I understand where OP is coming from. That drive is something that I've never felt again, but it was like I was a woman possessed. I wanted another baby, but it was like a force of nature. Once I had 3rd baby, I never wanted another one. I don't know what it was. 3rd baby was loved by both and cared for by both. Perhaps letting your husband know that it isn't you just wanting to get your own way, that it's bigger than that. I don't know how to explain it but it just felt like an insane drive that made me want another. I don't know how I could have accepted a 'no.' obviously if I had to, I would have but there would definitely have been resentment there. Personally I'd rather live with his resentment for having another child than me having to live with not having one. I would never agree with the idea of 'just have one' as that's not consentual. I think let your husband think about it and maybe write a letter about it. It wasn't until years later that I was able to identify that it was like I was possessed. And then afterwards, it was gone. I've never felt it again. Good luck!
Counseling. You guys need marriage counseling to help you both communicate and get on the same page. Don't turn it into a constant battle.