Edited.
Is there such thing as couples counselling specifically for blended families. My new partner has a 13 year old son he has once a month. My kids are grown and I am feeling there might be some issues as we move in together regarding parenting styles and the way his son behaves towards me. He has him for 1/2 holidays and often works full time through these (started a new job and doesn’t have leave time) and I’m home school holidays. I am acknowledging that the son and I have not built a relationship yet and there are issues. Was just asking if that sort of counselling exists. Not judgements on me personally.
Blended family counselling??
Blended family counselling??
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Teenagers
18 Replies
I think this would come under the umbrella of ‘family therapy’
This would come under family counselling.
But I’d be careful, given you’ve said it’s a new partner and your already anticipating problems it sounds like you and partner need to take a step back and think this through properly before jumping to counseling. Moving in together is a big step when you’re already asking and thinking about putting his young son through family counseling
If anything it should be you and your partner going to counseling together to work out any parenting differences and how you’re going to handle differences, his son should not be involved in that!
I was thinking about us going to discuss parenting plans and differences. Not the son.
I don't really understand why you think your parenting style needs to come into account? Your kids are grown so I assume out of your care. He has one 13 year old who he has once a month. Surely you can just let his Dad parent him the way he always has? Really risky being the new partner and making changes and trying to be an authority figure straight up especially at that age, it will 100% backfire on you and your partner. If you want to make it work you should be asking for advice on how to build a relationship with this kid. If you can't do that and you can't manage to back down once a month don't even move in with him.
This is not an attack on you personally so not sure why you think it is, this is the best advice I can give if you're going to be a step parent to a teen. I have been every angle of it, I was a teen step kid with new step parents, I am the bio mum of teens who had step mothers and I am now step mother to teens myself. You don't need to inflict your parenting style, you don't even need to parent him while the partners at work. He's 13. It will be a massive mistake if you move in and try and parent this kid like he's your own, you will either ruin your relationship with your new partner or ruin your new partners relationship with his son. Guaranteed! You need a passive relationship with the kid and leave the hard work up to dad. To see he's already started being difficult I would guess you've already started trying to boss him around, big mistake.
At this stage, you dont need to be a parent. You just need to be another supportive caring and loving adult in his life. Your partner only has him once a month so roll with your partner's parenting style.
Either accept the way he parents or move on.
He’s been doing it this way for 13 years, he isn’t going to change, nor should he because you don’t agree with it plus it’s only once a month.
He probably wants quality time rather than rules etc.
Don’t come in and try to change everything, it will backfire.
Get yourself a therapist to help you work through it yourself. Just remember if you need a therapist to deal with your boyfriend's expectations on you having his kid thats a flag in itself. Same if its about your dislike of his parenting. If it helps, great, if not, its because youre not compatible.
I'd suggest if dad can't work around work that mum not send Mr 13 until dad can. That might mean a month or two but in all honesty, as a new girlfriend it's unfair on you and it's super unfair on Mr 13 who isn't coming to see you but will spend most of his time with you. He's likely to resent you for it and it's not even your fault. He's old enough to understand dad has changed jobs and has to build up some leave.
He's 13. He's old enough to be home by himself, quite frankly if she doesn't want to be there she doesn't have to be. He shouldn't have to stop going because Dad has a new girlfriend and Dad shouldn't have to take time off work to entertain his 13 year old, that's ridiculous.
It does depend on what dads done previously and what he expects of her. The issue seems to be rather than childcare, that she would be living in a home alone with a 13 year old thats overtly rude to her.
I haven't suggested he skip a few visits because dad has a new girlfriend. Where the fuck do you get that from?
I've suggested he skip a few visits if dad can't look after him due to work commitments.
Would he be needing to skip visits if she wasn't there while he was at work? No? Then you are suggesting exactly that.
Dad works full-time, in a new job where he has no leave built up. It's now June. The next 1/2 holidays is THIS MONTH.
Are you suggesting you'd be fine with leaving a 13 year old, that you personally know absolutely nothing about, alone in the house for a minimum of 10 hours a day for an entire week?
I would not be comfortable with this. I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't expect another adult to be okay with it either. This isn't an hour or two while dad ducks out to get groceries, this is minimum 50 hours of the week.
I AM suggesting he would be better off skipping a visit or two while dad is unable to provide care regardless of GF or no GF.
I don't know why you're so hung up on the new GF. I'm telling her to take herself out of the equation. At the moment it is neither her responsibility nor her role in this young boys life to be co-parenting.
So if dad is unable to care for the child he stays with mum until dad can in a month or two.
Comprehend?
I have 4 teenagers/young adults who were all staying home alone at that age and if they aren't considered capable why does childcare stop at 12? Literally 3 years away from being considered completely capable of making adult decisions (16) so if your kid can't stay home by themselves at 13 then you're doing it wrong.The child shouldn't be pushed out because the new gf may not be comfortable.
Comprehend?
I see you don't.
Have a great day.
I see what you are saying, if dad's not even going to be around to have quality time with son for the week, he may as well stay with mum until next holidays when dad has built up leave time to take holidays too.
It has nothing to do with the gf being there or not. I totally get what you are saying.
But there are reasons why this may not be a solution.
1. Mum might work too.
2. Son really wants to have those evenings with dad.
3. Son will be home alone during the day/at mate's regardless which home hes staying at.
The other poster is just saying if son does go to dad's, new gf doesn't particularly need to parent him because hes old enough to be home on his own anyway so if she has work/things planned for that week, she doesnt have to take 13 year old with her. Hes not a small child who needs constant supervison.
What I'm interested to know is how vastly the couple's parenting styles differ.
Das is getting time with him each morning and evening. Are you taking the child off the mum Monday to Friday if she works too?
I’d leave the parenting to Dad! You can’t start parenting someone at 13. Especially if he is hardly there. All you need to do is be kind & friendly