So my ex partner and I split over 12 years ago. We have a 13 year old together.
We have both since moved on and have been with our current partners for a lengthy period. We both also have young kids with our new partners. And co parent reasonably well.
Anyway my ex has recently finished his apprenticeship and now has the opportunity to earn big money.
He has recently told our son that he is planning on moving interstate. The reasons he has given our son is because he isn’t able to find a decent paying job for his qualification in our current state. But can find a good job in other states.
Other reason is his partners family all live interstate and have for over 12 years and his partners family don’t get to spend much time with their kids as travel is to expensive.
Before my son found this out he had already stopped spending every weekend at his dads like he used to. His reason that he gave is he doesn’t want to so I don’t make him go.
We both feel this is a selfish choice to make. Like I get the better job thing but you have a child that won’t be moving with you and your still choosing to go.
I don’t get it. My son has said if they move he is happy to never see them again.
Even though apparently my ex has told our son he can visit when he wants to.
I have not spoken to my ex about it. Not sure how to address it.
12 Replies
I think that this is a situation where you should have remained impartial and encouraged your son to speak with his dad directly and maybe given your ex a heads up that your son was hurt and angry.
If your ex only just partnered Id say hes wrong, but they've stayed there for 12 years due to his son and I think if he wanted to theyd stay more. But the job and money comes into play.
He'll be earning big. And your teen can fly by himself out to dads when hes at home. School holidays. Visits.
If he doesnt go every weekend he could anyway, that probably tipped dads decision. Something you should never ever say to your son as he cant change any of this. But i think theres a lot of factors at play here and dads making a wise decision for everyone.
Agree with above, your son needs to discuss this with dad and yo u need to give ex.a heads up that hes hurt and unsure how he fits in.
I don't think it's selfish. Your child is at the age where frequent changes between homes are a pain in the arse and he will probably benefit from longer visits rather than short rushed visits. Your son has also got to realise that he decided to stop going, was that selfish of him? My Dad moved to WA when I was 14 and I loved it, I had not been out of Vic before so I loved the different lifestyle and I'm sure your son will love Dad having the extra money to do stuff when he goes to visit.
Its not selfish. He also has other children and partner to think of. Your son is old enough to travel to see dad for longer periods in school.holidays when he wants to too.
He has to do what he has to do. His son can see him still and enjoy holidays at his new home with him. If you both work it out together it can be done. Don’t be so bitter on your ex. Let him sit down and work out a plan with your son when he would want to see him holidays etc.
Support him in his decision and work with him in what’s best for your son. He has another family ro think of and you said yourself he already stopped spending time with his dad. Why should dad put his life on hold. It can be managed.
You don’t want him to move but you also don’t make your son go visit him and you expect dad not to move. Wake up to yourself and think how he must feel. Your son not going there like he used to was portably the deciding factor. He has other kids to think of. Good for him and you should support him in it and work with him. You are being the selfish one.
I think you are doing your son a huge injustice. Your son doesn’t see his father often (by your son’s choosing). The father has expressed interest in maintaining contact. You should be encouraging your son to see that his father is doing the right thing. He has worked hard to do an apprenticeship and get a good job that will benefit his family, including your son through increased child support, being a good role model, and continuing to wish to see his son. You are reinforcing that the father is selfish. You are reinforcing that the child is in the right to not want to see his father again. Neither of these beliefs are in your sons best interest. They will destroy him from the inside out. YOU have the power to help your son to accept and support his father. In doing so, it will benefit your son more than anyone else.
It sounds like you now have exactly what you want, your son alientated from his dad, so congratulations on "winning". Seriously, grow up. You are deliberately destroying the relationship your son has with his dad by discussing how selfish dad is with his child and not supporting their time together. You are the selfish one in this scenario.
Wow! So you sat down and badmouthed your ex to your son, stating it was selfish. No wonder your son doesn’t want to go. You should have focused on the positives. The hard work his dad has put in getting a good job to provide, Getting to travel and see another state, probably being able to go on some cool Holidays. But instead you’ve decided to focus on the negatives, and by the sounds, influenced your son to withdraw from his dad.
So to answer your questions. The only selfish person here seems to be you, and the only way to broach this with your ex should be to congratulate him, and to promise you’ll encourage your son to see his dad.
Hi Sama. It's time you start parenting and stop pointing fingers. She'll work out before long that you are brainwashing and always have been
Write this as if you were the one looking to move for a better lifestyle, better job, better money. My bonus kids moved a few hours away at the beginning of the year and whilst my husband was devastated, we supported the move because we knew that if circumstances were reversed and we had to move we would have expected the same from bio mum. We still see the kids almost as often, but it is a long drive and hubby can't go to school/sports events like he used to. But, like yours the kids are teens/near teens and will probably end up with us in the big city in later teens for tertiary education and jobs anyway.