So whats your thoughts on your partner messaging his ex at night while your in bed and then deleting all the messages and you find out, he says there was nothing in it. Just didnt wanna cause an argument about him talking to her, but his never been told he cant talk to her etc, got back all the messages he sent to her and there all just rubbish really. Still odd... how do u gain trust back in a relationship if at all.
24 Replies
Well you have said they are rubbish. So you can choose to move forward. Ask for the respect to know when they are in contact. And he doesn’t have to hide it.
I think his default of being deceptive would concern me. You dont really have to explain that like a dickhead, the bars not really that low.
Are you a jealous person? Maybe he deleted them knowing it would upset you and cause an argument. If there was nothing exciting in the messages I would just let it go.
No i an definetly not a jealous person. His done this more than once with the same person
I struggle to relate to people who actively choose to keep in touch with their exes, I look at my exes and think "wtf was I thinking?!" 😂
I can understand if there's children involved, keeping in regular contact in that situation is 100% warranted and shouldn't need to be hidden.
No kids involved though, anything beyond a casual and occasional 'hey how are you text' and I'm kinda wondering what's up...
Agreed.
I'm friends with all of my exes. Been happily married 12 years. My exes were invited to our wedding and come to BBQ's etc. Those relationships weren't right, but I gave it a go with them in the first place for a reason. Thankfully, my husband knows this is a part of my fierce loyalty and as my husband, that makes him number 1... So he's never been threatened by people that obviously weren't my soulmate. To the OP, if there was nothing in the messages, it was probably just friends. Luckily, I've never had to hide that
Talk to your partner about not hiding things and move on
I'm not friends with my ex but I know plenty who are. You can fall out of love and still be friends.
Fair enough.
As I said, it's just something I struggle to relate to. Probably because none of my past relationships ended on good enough terms to remain friendly and some of the people I know personally who are still friends with their exes seem to still have quite an intimate relationship that honestly would make me a little uncomfortable if I were their significant other.
I guess OP just needs to use her intuition and knowledge of her partner to figure out if he was just miguidedly hiding this to avoid a fight or if he's been hiding it because he's doing something wrong.
I’m the same but for me it would also depend on what type of ex.
Some groups who have all been friends since high school have all been out with each other, bf/gf, not living together, not married, no kids etc. That would be fine with me.
But if my partner was texting an ex wife or someone he lived with for a long time or had kids, that is completely different.
Plus I think this situation is completely different to the other ladies because it sounds like her exes are a part of the friendship/social group, so her husband sees the interaction and knows these men, whereas this sounds more random and op doesn’t know how they interact and where they stand with each other.
Also, I don’t think the content should make it okay.
He’s hiding it, acting deceptively and he may be in the testing the waters stage.
If he wants to have an affair, he has to start somewhere, he’s not going to go straight for the kill.
You don’t relate because you aren’t a narcissistic person.
Narcissists love keeping their exes around, it’s an ego boost and they were never emotionally invested in the relationship in the first place, so there aren’t any hard feelings.
They think their exes belong to them, they like to remain in contact just so ex never forgets them.
This sounds like a narc hoovering an old ex because he’s a bit bored, testing the waters.
It's not narcissistic to continue to value someone being in your life just because the romantic side of your relationship didn't work. It's actually hard to navigate the emotions so that a healthy friendship is possible to begin with, no matter who ended it. It's much easier to completely cut someone off when a relationship ends.
Since the OP knows the messages weren't an issue, she needs to talk to her partner about their relationship being honest. If he wants to stay friends with that ex, and they're genuinely friends, he should be introducing her the same he would with any other mate.
What youve missed is that theres two types of people, and you cant and dont have to coach the dodgy one into how to act like a legit one.
Hes deceptive and hes not a real friend to her, hes a secret late night message type friend, and as the person above stated, that is typical behaviour of certain types, to maintain random contact to keep supply on the line.
I wouldn’t take advice from a woman that has multiple exes at her wedding.
Zero boundaries and attention seeking behaviour at best, must have taken a lot of gaslighting to get away with that one. Right under his nose, was it thrilling to see their reactions? Did it make you feel centre of the universe?
Maybe your exes have been vindictive? I get that not everyone stays friends with exes, but why imply something is sinister with those who do?
And you know what, if youre a person that doesnt get being friends with your ex, then its ok to say so and move on. Youre never going to be happy with someone thats close to theirs and has 14 exes at your wedding, it would make you hugely unhappy, and its ok to say so.
I just dont think thats what this is though.
Thank you!
If they are rubbish messages, you both probably need to do some digging and maybe engage into counselling.
He’s obviously worried/scared of you and your reaction and you have trust issues or insecurities which are causing him to behave in such a way.
Whilst I’m not friends as such with my ex, we follow each other on socials and when I was engaged he congratulated me, when I had kids the same and vice versa.
I have trust issues cause his done it more than once.. and there is no need to hide it. I've never stopped him from talking to her. Even though there isnt any reason he needs to anyway. They have no kids together. But he just makes excuses
I have trust issues cause his done it more than once.. and there is no need to hide it. I've never stopped him from talking to her. Even though there isnt any reason he needs to anyway. They have no kids together. But he just makes excuses
Go with your gut op, sounds suss.
Trust your gut then. I dont know anyone that would risk their current relationship to keep an ex on the line. Doing it secretly is worse. Doing it secretly a 2nd time would be done in my book.
By 'done it before' do you mean talked to her? Or cheated? If he's just talked to her and you've told him not to in the past that's really unfair. They aren't in a romantic relationship anymore for a reason. That doesn't mean they can't chat or even be good friends.