Hey guys!
So I've been with my husband 11 years, and its been drama free (besides the usual arguements that come up in a relationship)
We've grown alot together and support one another alot, we have a lot of laughs and genuinely enjoy each others company
My problem is I just don't trust him, every time he gets a message or call my gut turns or if he shuts down his phone when i walk in the room, my anxiety increases.
He's never cheated, never messaged another woman, no dating apps. Nothing.
I will hit him up when i feel these feelings and he will get angry/frustrated with me and pass me his phone or show me who or what he was messaging. I've snooped through his phone, Facebook, emails everything and theres always nothing there.
Hes getting fed up with feeling like I'm constantly calling him a cheater by asking who's messaging or looking over his shoulder, he said it makes him feel like he's doing something wrong or dodgy when hes not doing anything wrong.
I've seen a few therapist and both have said hands down my husband loves me and would do anything to make me happy but I just need to make myself feel worthy.
All previous boyfriends have been so shitty, especially the last one where alot of the PTSD comes from (he was a terrible narcasstic person and left me with some trauma, which I thought had all been cleared and dealt with through therapy..)
How do i trust my husband? 11 years and I still am waiting on edge for the day I find out hes been cheating on me, like its going to happen. But when i look at him and all the love he shows me, in my heart i don't think he would ever do that! But my head is saying all men are dodgy and his day will come.. Wait until your old and unattractive, he will leave you for a younger woman..
At this rate he will leave me for the stress I cause him with constant false allegations :(
I've tried saying nothing, but it gets to a point where it starts to effect my health and the start of the year i got really unwell, then i started with a new therapist who was amazing but after finishing a month ago now the crappy thoughts/imaginations come rolling around in my head again. :(
Now hes fed up with my constant questioning him, hes exhausted and threatens now for me to stop or he will leave, for his own mental health he can't keep doing this. Totally understandable.
I think I'm deliberately pushing him away so 1. He can either not be with me, so can't hurt me or 2. Push him into the arms of another woman so I can say, see told you so.
I'm exhausted, hes exhausted.
Please anyone have any suggestions?
Therapy helps but only for awhile.. Then I go back to feeling insecure and anxious about everything again.
7 Replies
Cognitive behaviour therapy. It teaches you to challenge your thoughts.
It’s a vicious cycle at the moment of not learning to self soothe and fight those thoughts yourself. Stop voicing your concerns to your partner, and start arguing with yourself.
When you have these thoughts, write them in a journal instead of venting them to your husband.
Then write down all the reasons why you know he IS NOT cheating on you.
Then write a list of all the reasons why your husband loves you and you love him. It may be as simple as he bought you a coffee home.
You should see a psychologist again and continue to do so. Maybe even do a couples therapy session too?
Obviously you weren't in therapy long enough. It's a process not a few sessions and you're cured. Also you may need medication, don't rule that out
You need to stop yourself when these thoughts start. When they start, just pause and looked at it logically. Your fear says he's cheating, use your head and look at it clearly. Find a good therapist and go regularly until you feel some resolution.
I’ve been where you are, and then some, and it’s hard. I’ve always been one to trust my gut feelings and normally they are right, but not all the time. I found I had to change my way of thought. Maybe your husband puts down his phone when you walk in so you know you have his full attention. He places screen side down so he doesn’t get distracted by it while you to are together. When my husbands phone goes off and he doesn’t want to answer it in front of me I normally jump straight to worst case scenario but then I think of other reasonable answers to go with it. Maybe he has already talked to ty person a few times today and doesn’t feel like talking to them anymore, if it’s important they will leave him a message. Maybe he is tired and doesn’t feel like talking to anyone but you. Maybe he just wants all his attention on you. Maybe he is too interested in the tv show he is watching and does want to miss anything by answering his phone. When it happens take a step back and think it all out before getting stuck on just one answer. Take in everything of the day/week that has lead to this point in time because normally it’s something very simple and not worst case scenario of him cheating. Good luck
You don’t mention kids.? Have you got any kids? I felt complete once I had kids. I stopped with being worried about the Cheating side of things. when you start to think these thoughts, do something with him: kiss, hug; go for walk anything. make him wanted and not acused. Distract yourself from thinking it and change your thought pattern. He isn’t doing it so, accept it and embrace him.
I could have written your post almost word for word. I would have replied on Facebook but apparently our group is not private so replying anonymously here.
I've been with my husband for 20 years. There have been times when I've experienced that insidious urge to check his phone, question him, accuse him of things I've simply imagined. I even used to log into his Facebook on my phone and check his messenger multiple times a day. Understandably he got a bit annoyed by that when it all unraveled! Thankfully, he's a very understanding man and knows that my insecurities come from my past and not my present. Now, if I ask to see his phone at random times, just to ease my mind, he will happily hand it over and allow me to go through everything until I feel better. That said, I try not to and it happens very rarely now.
In all honesty, the biggest things that have helped are being put in situations where I have no choice but to trust him, no control over the situation. Then as I can see that all is well, I trust a little more.
My worst nightmare was him returning to FIFO work as I've heard so many bad stories about what the 'boys' get up to, and ultimately, I'm not there to check on him.
Almost 3 months in and I'm starting to feel more at ease and trust him more. I'm not stressing all the time about where he is or what he's doing.
The thing is, the more you repeat the behaviours like checking, questioning, accusing etc, the more your brain will become wired to function that way. You need to find a way to break the cycle and rewire your thinking patterns.
A good psychologist can help you with that. CBT is excellent for rewiring. EMDR is also excellent for dealing with past traumas. (I've done both, and I have qualifications in psychology).
Do get your psychologist to look into traumas from childhood as well.
For me... I don't even remember the trauma. I was 6 months old when my mum died. The wiring that took place in my infantile brain even then, laid the foundations for how I handle abandonment and rejection in my adult life. The pain and confusion I experienced then, sent me into survival mode. I'm the same as you.... When I feel a threat that I'm going to be left/rejected/abandoned I run befire I can get hurt. I can't tell you the number of times over the years I have tried to kick hubby out because we had a little argument. In my head that goes from 0-100 very quickly (argument over nothing, escalates suddenly to "he hates me, I'm pushing him away, he's going to leave me, oh I'd better leave first, you get out or I'll go" etc. I've even gone as far as looking for rental properties and planning to move out because my brain goes straight into protection mode). This is the fight/flight response reacting to past wired trauma in order to protect itself.
It takes a lot of work, perhaps years or decades even, but with the love and support of a very understanding husband, and a good psychologist, you can move on from this.
Be kind to yourself and be patient.