So I’m wondering whether to give counselling a go, or if the relationship is just too far gone at this point. We had our first baby 11 months ago. We both worked full time previous to that. I because very ill with a chronic illness right after the birth of our baby, so I have been unable to return to work. I do my best everyday looking after our little one and clean the house, and my mum often comes and gives me a hand for a couple of hours a week. He won’t allow me access to his bank account so I have access to very limited money, and when I asked if we could get a joint account so we could look at the bills and try to save money where possible, he responds with “I don’t need you controlling MY money”. I have always paid my half of the bills, and even picked up the slack when he hasn’t had work, without even blinking an eye. He also does nothing around the house except for put the bin out occasionally. He doesn’t even mow the lawns, I’ve had to do it because it became so long and unsightly. If I ask him to help me he says things like “I’m not your slave”, “why are you trying to start an argument” etc etc. I’m kinda at a loss. We don’t even spend time together anymore despite me pleading for months to have a night together on the weekend. He would rather play video games. He is also very spiteful. I’ve had a cold for the last week, and on top of my illness I feel very unwell. I slept in yesterday and my partner looked after our baby. Today he literally will not get out of bed until he has had the exact same amount of sleep as I did yesterday, it’s very spiteful. I also asked if he could help me a last week because I felt extremely unwell and he just carried on sleeping. I feel like I’m dealing with another child? Does anyone have a similar experience? Is this what all men are like? Also he still expects sex etc and basically treats me like a piece of meat.
14 Replies
Sometimes leaving until they can act right is the best counselling. From a distance you see clearer, and plain assholes like it if you whinge but dont actually leave them.
Leave. You already have a child, you don't need a man-child too.
I’d leave. He’s showing you what his values are. His values are not a true partnership. I think it sounds like he is financially abusive too.
I’d go live at my mum’s.
He sounds horrible. Ditch counselling and him as it sounds like he doesn’t care either way.
These are not the actions of a person who loves you.
The shittest thing about abusive relationships is that even though there are often tiny red flags that appear at the beginning, the fully fledged abusive behaviour doesn't start until they have "trapped" you. You are now almost totally reliant on him financially and that's the way he wants it because now he has all the control.
I believe lots of relationships suffer from poor communication and not setting expectations and boundaries and almost all relationships can benefit from counselling, but from the small snippet you've given here, I believe you're in an abusive relationship and you need to leave before he completely isolates you from everyone. If you have support from your mum, get her to help you. Call 1800RESPECT and get advice. Don't wait for this to get worse.
Please leave him, he sounds like an absolute pig. I wouldn’t spend another day living with that. Pack your stuff and leave with the baby and stay with your mum. You can’t be treated like this anymore...sending big hugs and lots of strength. Xxx
After I had each of my 4 bibs my husband got up in the night to the crying baby, changed dressed and would bring to me to feed. He would say it was all he could do to help until the baby ate real food or took a bottle. He would cook and clean and organise the older kids. This is normal. What you have is horrid. I haven’t worked consistently since I started having babies. He pays all our bills and everything in between. We have a joint account even though I don’t contribute (I will soon once 4th baby is bigger) and I have a card to said account that I use WITHOUT having to justify what I spend. That’s a relationship. That’s a partnership. I’m sad that you can’t see that you are actually in an emotionally abusive relationship and that you have to write in here with the suggestion of counselling. It’s not going to work in my opinion because he has zero respect for you. Not only did he not help after you grew a human inside of you and delivered it (all ways is hard and painful!) but even when you were ill he couldn’t lift his game. If that’s not an indication I don’t know what is. Can you move in with your mama? Go to centrelink and find out what you can get in way of financial support. You deserve so much more in life. Your sweet baby deserves so much more in life. I truly hope you leave and work towards a wonderful future with your darling. Because imagine how good it feels when you’re pretty much happy every day. Good luck and be strong for you a d your bub xxx
No all men aren’t like this! He sounds like a complete childish brat! Tell him to grow up. Move out to your mums for a while and make him wake up to himself or get out for good. It’s hard enough dealing with an illness and a child without his childish crap.
Ewww yuk. Leave. Now. Don’t wait another day. He’s gross. Sorry, no thats not at all what all men are like. I sleep in EVERY weekend. My hubby gets up and doesn’t bat an eyelid. He cooks, cleans, all our money is joined, he would have no idea what I spend money on and doesn’t ask.
No, not all men are like this.
I have been a SAHM for 3 and a half years now. We saved hard for many years before we had kids so I would be able to stay home. While we still have separate bank accounts, my money is family money and Hubby money is family.
If I need money, I only have to ask no questions.
Hubby also lives in our house. If I don't get a chance to do something he will do it. He does the same house chores I do. Cooking, cleaning, washing, vacuuming, helping with the kids as well as yard work and his paying job.
I just don't understand men who think they don't have to do anything around the house.
I would send him back to his mother and she can deal with her lazy, mean and financially abusive man child
I would leave. Because it sounds miserable living like you are. You and your baby deserve to be happy. You will get more money and freedom being on centrelink payments
Start making arrangements to leave. Please call a domestic violence helpline to get you started, as it may not be a good idea to tell him you are planning to leave.
I would not even consider counselling. This sounds like the beginnings of Domestic abuse-this can only get worse. It’s a good sign that you are questioning his behaviour now as you can see that it’s wrong. He is controlling the money situation.That’s your red flag right there. Please don’t leave it until it’s too late.
I feel like i could have written this! Difference for me was my childs father refused to assist in looking after our child even when i had the flu.
Honey, best thing to do is leave and take the child. It’s not easy being a single mum, but you will only need to care for you and the child, not a second adult. You will do everything you already do, but less laundry, cooking, care etc.
Get on centrelink until you can work again.
Good luck
Also, not all men are like this, just the abusive ones are.
I’ve been separated from my abusive ex for 5 years now and have a wonderful caring partner of 2 years now! It does get better xx
Leave right now.
He is abusing you and taking advantage. As someone who was VERY sick, you need to focus on yourself and baby. Making sure your getting better. You do not need that type of crap in your life.
Get out. Now. Before it’s too late. There are domestic violence hotlines you can call and they will help with everything. It’s what I had to use to escape my financially, emotionally and physically abusive ex. There are things you can have put in place so he doesn’t know anything.
Do it now. Before it’s too late.
You have support around you. Just ask. Xx