Toddler behaviour

Adjust your expectations and reframe your thinking. Behaviour is communication. Every behaviour has a reason or an unmet need behind it.

Do you get tired, cranky, hangry, overwhelmed and sad at times? Of course you do. Can you control how you feel about those things or how you treat others when you feel that way? Yes, mostly you can because you're an adult and you've learned that yelling at someone because you feel bad isn't acceptable. To make yourself feel better you might decide to slow down, take a day off, have an early night and get more rest, have a snack or do something that you enjoy to decompress.

Now imagine that you do not have the capacity to understand those feelings in yourself, nor the functional language to express those feelings to someone who could help you. Instead you can only cry, or yell or hit to express your frustration. You don't really know why you're doing that but you have some BIG FEELINGS and they're not good feelings. Not only that, but the someone who could help you controls your whole day - what you wear, when and what you eat, where you go and when you get to do the fun things you like to do. And that person is in charge of all the things that might be making you feel bad and the things that could make you feel better.

Some days you might get to do lots of fun stuff and eat food that you like and go places you enjoy going. The next day you might not get those same experiences, and you have to run around doing errands and you feel tired and bored. You don't understand why and that feels really upsetting and confusing. What you actually want to do is sit and watch your favourite movie. You try to tell that person but you don't have the words. You do know the name of the movie, so you say it. And the person in charge says no. Not now. So you say it again, and they say no. So you say it again, louder. They tell you no again. You are so frustrated and sad now, so you scream the name of the movie and start crying. Because you really like that movie and you feel happy when you watch it so right now that's what you want to do.

So that's kind of like what being a toddler can feel like. They also don't have the capacity to control those big feelings and impulses. They aren't born with a fully formed adult brain. So you need to figure out what unmet need or reason is behind the behaviour. Once you stop seeing it as "bad behaviour" and realising it's because they're tired, or overwhelmed or hungry then you can help them. You don't have to put on the movie for them. That's not always possible. But you can comfort them and help them through their big feelings. Sometimes that's just holding them while they cry. Sometimes it's telling them we can watch the movie but later. Sometimes it's having a quick hug, then distracting or offering an alternative.

Kids deserve to feel like they're heard and they're important. It's not about giving in to them. It's about realising that the big feelings aren't something to be punished. You're helping them, you're teaching them and you're being their safe space.

It doesn't work perfectly all the time but I promise that reframing how you look at behaviour really helps. Remember, your child isn't BEING a problem, they are HAVING a problem.