Hi everyone. I need some solid advice.
I've been in a relationship for 8 months. Things moved really quickly and our love is really deep and both love hard We moved in together after 5 months of being together. We have a blended family it's been a tough beginning but we have managed to work it out etc Life generally is amazing. It's loving giving and respectful. I really can't fault anything in our relationship in general..
except.
I find he never acknowledged me on fb until I had a go at him. He said he didn't want his work colleagues to know ab his personal life. He said he will get 101 questions he really didn't want to answer. He had he was still married on there. He eventually took it down and put we were in a relationship.
That was before we moved in together.
Just yesterday I jumped on Instagram and looked at his account and realised he was following about 60 chicks on there that showed pretty revealing photos etc.
Now I know it's not cheating and I know many will say so what they are just pics .....but it matters to me. I feel like I'm not enough for him. Like he needed more in his life. A thousand things have run through my mind. Did he talk to any of them did he masturbate to them? He says he didn't.
I asked him why....He said he'd just been lazy and not removed them. He said he hasn't added anyone new since we been together.
I feel like I'm not enough....I feel like he's not attracted to me......my self confidence has taken a beating. I'm a bit over weight. Probably 2 to 3 dress sizes bigger than I should be for my height. He says he loves me the way I am. But I'm so hurt. Why did he need people outside our relationship.
We had an amazing sex life. Most times twice a day every day. Now I can't stand him touching me. I have so much hurt and anger I don't know how to get rid of it.
Part if me feels like I'm over reacting the other part says no I'm not....I know my self worth and I deserve better.
He did offer to get rid of social media but I don't feel that's right either.
It's not the way a relationship should be.
I honestly don't know how to feel.
24 Replies
I think your own insecurity is coming out here. This is more about you, than him.
This is a problem with intense relationships that move fast. You fell hard and heavy, and rather than putting the breaks on and actually getting to build your relationship on trust and getting to know the details of who he is as a person. Instead you’ve rushed it, and now the panic has set in because his life/morals/ethics/lifestyle doesn’t perfectly match with your own.
So now you are going to run it off the rails. News flash nobody is.
Would I like to be with a guy who follows multiple women on Insta, No. but lots of women do and have really happy relationships.
Only you can decide what’s right for you. But if you blow this relationship up, taking it as a really big learning curve that you will never ever move your kids in with a man before knowing them at least a couple of years. Your kids deserve better.
You have no business being in a relationship!
Hunny you need to work on yourself! Your insecurities are going to ruin this relationship! Start seeing a psychologist!
If he is doing everything he needs to without any shady behaviour- why do you care who he follows on Instagram.
Self love sweetheart
This is the whole problem with the first part of your post. Loving hard and moving fats does nothing to make a good relationship. Makes it harder if anything. Back up and sort out the issues so they match the stage of life and commitment youre trying to live in.
Hubby and I moved in together after 4 weeks, got engaged and closed our bank accounts and opened a joint account at 4 months, bought a house at 10 months and married at 15 months. We've been happily married for 13 years now. There's nothing wrong with a relationship moving quickly as long as you are being yourself and not falling for the best version of the person always portrayed at the start. My relationships that moved at a more normal rate all failed and our friends that dated for a few years before living together/marrying are all divorced now. Forget the speed of your relationship and just look at whether it's genuine and honest. I think everything he's said seems fair enough and the fact he is happy to stop using his social media shows that you are what is important to him. This really does seem to be about your insecurity more than anything else. Organise something that allows you to reconnect and you'll feel a lot better... It could be a weekend away, or a dinner date or even just doing something simple like watching a comedy together or having a bath together. You're stuck in your head right now, that's all.
Did you each have kids when you moved in so quickly? Because you're lucky it turned out well, you hardly know someone after 4 weeks.
It’s a ridiculously dangerous thing to do when you have kids, for every one miracle it works for, there’s thousands of terrible stories where kids are put at risk. So should other people’s kids be endangered because it worked for you and you don’t think it’s a big deal? Pffff...these nonchalant comments regarding child safety annoy the shit out of me.
Deleted our too and fro to bring it back to basics. The OP isn't concerned about her children or their safety. Could she be naive? Sure. Is she? We don't know. What we do know is she's having a moment of feeling insecure and she doesn't need to have people imply she's a bad mum who doesn't protect her children just because she is doubting her attractiveness and his level of commitment over things that aren't important to a lot of people. She doesn't need to have the same rules for dating as someone else. If she included something indicating a pattern of upheaval for her kids or made comments suggesting they were in danger, go for gold. Since she hasn't though, stop tearing her down.
My husband and i have been together almost 16 years and we have never put each others updates on our FB's. We don't even use the relationship status button . I find this so utterly petty that you're so upset over this. Each to their own i guess and you obviously are hurt but it's really pathetic and your insecurities are going to be the end of this relationship for you if you don't cut this out now.
Together 25 years, we're not friends on FB lol.
I find facebook relationship updates so cringy and such a young person thing where everyones comments are all "awwww saaa cute you guuuuuys!" And over the top.
Hes allowed to keep his personal live private from public. He literally offered to just delete social media completely to appease you. You counted the accounts he followed from his single life. Before you, he was single! Have a look at your own instagram/fb. How many males do you follow? Are you going to delete them all now your in a relationship?
My partner and I (10 years we've been together) hardly ever acknowledge each others existence on social media appart from the rare tag of a photo of the kids. We know we have a great relationship and are happy and co-exist in each other's worlds. We dont need to constantly remind the rest of the workd to to reassure each other we are still in love.
These are actually all your insecurities that are the issue. Not your partner's issue. Yours. You need to see a psychologist before you sabotage your relationship this way.
Same!!! We've been married for 10+ years. Nothing is noted on social media. It makes me 🤮. Husband doesn't care either way, but it's a hard no from me 🤣🤣🤣
Your insecurity is ruining your life. You need to work on that.
8 months? Wow if only you hadn't uprooted your kids lives and moved in so soon and this would be a lot easier. You would be able to say see you later or have a break without any impact on the kids at all but no you've moved in, they have a new step parent and now they have to deal with losing that or deal with seeing ya fight all the time because of all this other petty crap. Honestly should be put into child safety laws how quickly you can move in with someone when you have kids!
Seriously? What about moving in with someone with kids outside of a relationship? We just rented our spare room to a friend's sister who has 2 kids because it is big enough for them all to fit and she couldn't get a rental. I'd never met her before and hubby and I opened our home to her and her kids at her sister's request (my friend). She'll probably be here for a few months. She had no other options locally and would have ended up in a woman's shelter or living out of her car. Instead she has a big room with a queen bed, single bed, cot, private balcony and kitchenette for a small amount until she gets on her feet. Should she be forced to take the other options instead of this one because she hasn't known my hubby kids and I for however long you think is safe? Should it be illegal for us to allow her and her 2 yr old and baby to move in when we have kids? You can't mandate things like that.
There should be supports for her and her kids to get their own place, for their safety and security.
Are you immediately going into a parent role of those kids?Are those kids going to look at you and think they need to be part of your life for the rest of their childhood, that your kids are their new step siblings and they need to live with them? Not likely, its a boarding situation and completely different. Although no, I wouldn't move in with people I don't know. I have been homeless with my kids before and we spent 8 weeks in a tent at a caravan park.
Just saying you can't make rules about how long someone knows someone before living in the same house with kids a legal matter in the name of safety and not consider all situations like renting etc too. It's tunnel visioned. Nothing wrong with camping though. My family and I could very happily do that long-term. We've even considered doing it for a year, home schooling and travelling Australia but covid stopped that plan. Hopefully we can do it before highschool though.
Facebook is meaningless. I had my sister listed as my husband as a joke for a while lol.
I don't post anything personal on facebook, especially anything pertaining to my love life - my colleagues, snooty old relatives and people I went to school with 20 years ago really dont need a play by play of my life to gossip about.
I honestly think your insecurities here probably stem from the fact that you really dont know him that well, you guys haven't developed that level of trust that really only comes with time.
That's what happens when you throw caution to the wind and let lust take the wheel, fundamentals that a relationship should be built on are missed.
I honestly think it would be wise to rethink the living arrangements and take things back to basics.
That’s ridiculous. It’s ok to look at other people online.
If you’re insecure about your weight then do something about it.
You don’t get to control others because you feel insecure.
He shouldn’t have to delete accounts he enjoys because he has a missus.
I don’t plan to ever update my relationship status on FB! Cringe!
But I find it pretty unattractive when guys follow random chicks on Insta! Gross
You are definitely over reacting, sounds like this guy is willing to move mountains for you and you have just put your walls up so easily over something pretty petty. Yes I your not uncomfortable with the insta issue it's something you communicate with him, but not just shut him out.
When I got with my partner we moved everything very quickly as he got kicked out of his house and had no where to go (3months in) but I did know him before this, I hated the fact he watched porn and like you it made me feel not good enough. Then I sat back and actually thought about it and realised it really wasn't that big of a deal and it's the way men are wired to look. And quiet frankly as long as they are only looking who cares? I'm sure if someone posted pictures of the decent looking men on facebook you would look at them.
I think you need to have sit back and really evaluate this relationship and if he really means that much to you because at the moment it sounds like your carrying on with petty high school stuff.
Hey beautiful, it's all about communication, respectful communication is the key. If you dont tell him how you feel he will never know. Sounds like you need some counselling as there are some insecurities there you need to address otherwise you will ruin what could be potentially a good relationship. Best of luck. :)
You’re not in love, you’re in lust. Your reaction here proves it.
I would work on myself and my insecurities and take a break from any relationship if I were you.