My ex and I were together for 11 years. We have two boys. One with special needs. We separated last year with a 50/50 custody agreement. He moved home with his parents and I got my own rental due to not having any close family. Over the past year I have struggled with my mental health and was struggling day to day. As a result I’ve had to move in with a friend half an hour away from my kids school. I have no car. My ex and I talked and agreed he would have the kids on school days because he live 3 streets from the school and I will have the boys every weekend and focus on getting my mental health right. I talk to my kids every night as well and we discuss all matters. My issue is why is it acceptable in society for a man to have his kids on the weekend but as a mother I have been made to feel like crap by everyone about it and feel nothing but guilt. Their father is an amazing dad and although he and I don’t get along personally, he does do an amazing job parenting and we co parent together as best we can. I just don’t understand why I am feeling like a worthless mother. This is only temporary and I’m doing all I can to get my mental health sorted.
14 Replies
Look after yourself. Society shouldn’t think like it does. It sucks.
I hope things get better for your soon.
Dads get a free pass to step out. Mothers are expected to be 100 available and invested. Just do your thing and Id probably act suprised and ask them why they think your kids dad isnt a fit or equal parent. The old ask them to clarify until they cant explain what they mean, but we all heard their judgment.
It's because the bar is set ridiculously low for men and impossibly high for women.
I can remember when my son was a baby, if my hubby was holding our son in public people would gush over what a good hands on dad he was - every, single time. Yet, funnily enough, I've quite literally never been stopped and told I was a good hands on mum...
I for one am really proud of you. You are getting on top of your mental health, you're putting your children's best interests first, you're involved and available for your children and they'll thank you for all of that one day, trust me. You are absolutely not worthless!
People really need to stop being so narrow minded and judgmental.
This is so true!
My partner realised this when a woman was fawning over him because he was holding my daughter's hand while shopping...he was like "Her mum does this sort of stuff way more than me but I've never seen her get compliments"
I actually think that it is positive that men get some positive reinforcement for being hands on dads.. we are literally dealing with a generation of men who didn’t have hands on dads for role models but choose to be more active in their own children upbringing.. that is commendable- women have had care giving roles from before time they see it felt it and then lived it. Men are behind in that - but they are breaking down those barriers... so much men bashing these days sheesh..
It's not man bashing. I just don't think we should be praising men for doing the bare minimum when women don't get the same praise. It just gives men an excuse to keep doing the bare minimum because they know everyone will think they're so awesome.
Yeah but women have benefit of multi generational role modelling.. your not comparing apples with apples. Majority of Men don’t have that same experience or privilege.. so when they do step up some praise is ok.. also praise in front of your son positively reinforces the idea of men as care givers. So future generations of men automatically increase without the need for praise because it is lived experience so you change the normal. Doesn’t happen in a day!
I'm not saying fathers deserve no recognition, I'm saying that mothers and fathers are held to painfully different standards.
It's evident in the OPs post.
We all know that a father who has their kids every weekend and calls them every day would be described as a wonderful dad. Yet OP is in that exact same situation, she's being scrutinised and made to feel terrible for it!?
I personally know a few mums who don't have primary or majority care of their children who have had that exact same experience.
I also know a few single dads who are basically hero worshipped, it's rare if people even acknowledge single mums.
I could keep going all day with examples of that double standard but I think I've made my point.
Yes they are based on generational bias... it’s hilarious that you can’t see that.. your examples are null and void based on that fact!
It will absolutely change but it will take a minute. You won’t change it by being resentful though.
And really no one can make you feel any kind of way unless you give them that power!
This is where you need to work on you!
Other people are not responsible for your self worth! You have to find that within you!
People can only make you feel a certain way if you let them!
Take pride in your decision! take pride in the knowledge your children are safe and well cared for! Take pride in that you recognised when you needed a breather to get yourself together. Take pride in the fact that your doing the best you can.
Seperate yourself from the people responsible for the toxic comments.
Jail focus on your recovery lovely lady.
Kids are safe, now just focus on you xxxx
You have put your kids first and that is what a great mum does! You are doing great.
Many people find change difficult. But we are finally seeing mum and dad roles reverse. My cousin has his kids during the school week and mum see them on weekends and a friend has been a stay at home dad since his first was born 8 years ago as mum was the bread winner and wanted to go back to work.
I will just say it again, you are going great ❤
I would judge a man too. I’m a single Mum and when I meet men who have kids I judge then if they are not interested in having their kids regularly. Some have a good reason (as you do). But many are just happy to have kids one weekend a fortnight. It’s an instant red flag for me