I think my husband has depression.
Although he won’t admit it, he admits that he often feels really down and sad, and struggles to keep his head held high.
It comes out a lot when he drinks, he will drink excessively, and cry and act out.
We’ve been through a lot in our relationship, and as of late I feel really distanced to him.
He doesn’t care about his appearance, or himself really.
He works really hard to provide for our family and has one day “off” a week where he goes out with friends to drink.
Then he comes home really down and out of sorts, or I get calls from he people he is with asking to come get him as he’s too intoxicated.
We have excellent communication and I’ve expressed my concerns to him numerous times, but he doesn’t want to see anyone about it.
It sounds selfish but I feel like I’m at my wits end of picking up his emotional pieces after another drinking episode. I feel so disconnected to him as I’m just over it.
Is it wrong of me to tell him that unless he begins the process of seeking help, I will leave him?
So many woman have the fear of a drunken husband going out and cheating, and I sit joke and hope my drunken husband doesn’t throw himself in front of a moving vehicle. I’m terrified.
Although I’ve been through some mild pnd myself, I know I cannot even begin to understand how he’s feeling. I just don’t know how to help anymore.
4 Replies
I say this as someone who has been suicidal.
You have to start to set some ultimatums. Alcohol is a depressant and increases anxiety. It’s not helping him and that needs to stop.
This is his medical condition and he needs to start taking responsibility for it, If he doesn’t believe it’s a problem then he’s okay with behaving in a shitty way and that’s not ok.
I’d be starting to set some ground rules. Yes he can go out with his friends and have a couple of drinks but you will pick him up at x time other wise he needs to find someone else to stay because you won’t allow your kids to see him that way. You need to be clear that his behaviour is damaging and scary for his family, that you love him but you won’t allow this to continue.
Make it clear you will stand by him while he gets treatment but if he doesn’t speak to his GP and a psychologist within 3 months you won’t be able to support him.
Just because he has mental health issues if doesn’t mean your feelings and needs become invalid. Walking on tip toes around him won’t change anything.
Its not wrong of you to say that.
My dad killed himself and almost 2 years on my mum still can't function. I mean doesn't leave the house, doesn't know what to do with her days, barely sleeps - cant function.
She truly thought she could save him, she wanted to so desperately. He had mental health teams on our doorsteps after other attempts and he just brushed them off, said he was fine it was a silly mistake etc.
He did go go therapy. Well, so we thought until mum got a bill for 3 no shows.... the same number of appointments he was supposed to have had. He didn't want to face it. And he did not owe anyone that but himself.
This is cold and cruel and devastating but you cannot help someone who won't help themselves. They really won't do it if they don't want to and in this cruel, cruel battle you have to protect yourself as well. You do what you have to do to keep sane. Let him know you'll be there for him with every fibre of your being but you don't wanna circle the drain with him.
I am SO sorry you're going through this, I know how draining it is.
I was with my husband for 16 years, for 12 of those he struggled through PTSD and depression, he got a diagnosis but refused to get any help. It was a 12 year cycle of tip-toeing around, me being too concerned of his reactions so I wouldn’t discuss important issues. Me trying to protect the kids and not expose them to too much of his anger and depressive spirals. It was a one sided battle. For 12 years I did all social events alone because he was often outright rude to friends. He refused to seek any help time and time again, lost two jobs because of his moods and how he’d lash out.
We have recently separated and I’ve never been happier. Now I can support him without feeling as though it’s my responsibility, I used to see my marriage as though I was raising a grown child, now I can just visit him as a mate and listen and offer whatever support I can
The best thing you could do is walk out and leave him to it for a week or 2 and let him wake up and realise. Be tough!! Be supporting but do it in a way he knows your there but you need to make him fend for himself without you and see if it’s enough to
Change him.