My husband and I are planning to renew our vows later this year as we have never had a proper wedding with all our family. We are saying it is a birthday party but will surprise guests with the vow renewal. I'm just not sure if I want to invite my sister's husband. They have been married for 10 years but we rarely see him. He never comes to family get togethers and has even stopped coming to Christmas in the last few years. The only time he might attend is when its something like a wedding. I am frustrated by the lack of effort from him to be a part of our family. From what my sister has said it is due to anxiety and depression that he does not come. We have tried in different ways to make him welcome, invite him to small events and assure her we will not make it hard on him, but after all this time trying I am sick of it and don't want to invite him because I feel he has made his choice. Any time I have tried to discuss this with my sister she takes his side and glosses over how hurtful it is to my family. Happy to hear other perspectives. Thanks.
29 Replies
If you normally invite him to events then you should invite him. To obviously not invite him I’m assuming will cause a massive fall out between you and your sister. Even more so once it’s known it’s a vow renewal not just a birthday.
Have some empathy! You may not understand why he’s like this but anxiety is very real and I guarantee he’s not trying to be rude by not attending things.
If I was you, I’d give your sister a heads up on it being a renewal and she can talk to her husband and see if he’s ok and help him be ok with coming.
Her ‘glossing over’ how hurtful it is to your family is a good sign that she understands where her husband is at and understands anxiety which it’s clear you don’t
To be fair, your sister would have a much deeper understanding of her husband's mental health issues, possibly more than she's even told you.
Anxiety and depression aren't logical.
It's entirley likely that this has nothing to do with your hospitality, I doubt there's anything personal in it at all.
Speaking from a level of experience with anxiety, being around a lot of people is overwhelming.
Being around people you aren't overly comfortable with is overwhelming.
Sometimes depression makes even the most low key social gatherings physically impossible, god, it can make getting out of bed difficult.
I think the invitations should always be sent, he might come, he might not but at least he'll know he's welcome if and when he's ready.
Any time people get left off invitations it causes hurt & can end in huge family-wide spats. I 100% guarantee your party will be ruined before it happens & you'll be the bad guy. It's your sister who'll be upset more than your BIL.
Social anxiety is a very real thing. It's not necessarily about effort or choice. A little compassion would go a long way. It's tough to understand unless you live, or see it first hand.
Does it really hurt to print his name on an invite for your sister's sake & accept he won't come? I think it looks a bit petty & rude to leave him off. If my sibling did this, I wouldn't attend. Having been there (for different reasons) it causes a lot of long term hurt.
If it’s a very formal event with place setting where you pay per head and having one extra is going to break the budget then I’d understand but discuss with your sister before making a decision.
But
If this is more of an informal set up where you wouldn’t notice a missing person I think you’d be being petty not inviting him. If it’s really going to upset you if he comes you have some issues.
Invite him to keep the peace with your sister. He probably won't come anyway from what you've said.
Atleast he knows he is wanted when he feels he can make the effort one day.
Invite him because why wouldn't you? To teach him a lesson? To be spiteful? To send a passive aggressive message of 'you're not a part of our family'?
Its your sister's husband. Of course you invite him.
Maybe you should think about how hurtful you are being to her? He's not made a choice, he has a medical condition. Invite him. If he comes, he's making an effort despite it being hard and that speaks volumes. If he doesn't, accept his capacity to handle social situations is limited. I feel so much for your sister.
You absolutely should invite him.
If you want your vowel renewal to be drama free.. this could cause a big rift.. is his presence that irritating you’d risk that?
I think it would be so rude to not invite him. You can't invite one half of a married couple to a wedding no matter who it is. Well you can but it would be incredibly rude.
This is why we still have a ways to go in terms of mental health stigma.
Imagine your brother in law had missed a lot of family events because he was struggling with a physical illness, would you still think he hadn't put in enough effort? Would you still feel like he'd made his choice?
I highly doubt it...
A dear friend of mine introduced me to an analogy once, it was really eye opening.
Ill probably butcher the deliver of this but basically, every person on earth is allocated 12 spoons. Spoons being a metaphor for the amount of energy we have.
Some people can afford to exchange 1 spoon to clean the house, 1 spoon at work, 1 spoon at a family event and they end up with plenty of spoons to spare.
Where as, it might take another person 2 spoons to have a shower, 5 spoons to get to work, 1 spoon every time they need to make small talk with someone, 1 spoon to make something to eat, 3 spoons to get to bed.
The overall point being that some people are using all their "spoons" on basic survival. Sounds like your BIL might be one of them.
Spot on! It makes me sick that people with poor mental health are STILL being treated this way and by family for gods sake!
My sister's partner of 10 years doesn't attend out family events, including Christmas. He goes to his own parent's house Christmas day.
My sister told me its because he feels uncomfortable. Do I resent the bloke? Nope. Am I offended? Nope. Do I want to exclude him from my wedding? Nope....to be fair, my family is kind of nuts. 😂
I've only met my brother in law once because of his mental health and hubby and I have been together 13 years. My kids ring and sing happy birthday to their uncle every year and they've never met it spoken to him. We just leave the birthday wish on his voicemail. Means the world to him and my sister in law (hubby's sis). It's not his fault he's housebound (and retreats to his office if they have visitors). He encourages her to engage socially as he knows it's him and they're great together I'm told. We invite everytime with the open recognition that we understand if he's not able to come.
Would you exclude him if he had an immune disorder? Cancer? Physical disability? No? Then. Don't do it for mental health issues. This lack of empathy and understanding is why there is still so much stigma.
Wow bitchy much. He's your sisters husband. They are a pair. A team. You can't invite one without the other. She says he has mental health issues but you don't give a rats arse.
As a person with extreme anxiety who often finds herself out of energy to attend social events and be around people, it is attitudes like yours that really hurt. There is immense shame and guilt that go into the decision not to attend an event, I am acutely aware of the feelings of others and tend to put them before my own comfort and needs. I worry about what people might be saying about me and what they think. I can even have every good intention of attending an event and then find myself exhausted or sick with anxiety on the day, pulling out at the last minute. Instead of focusing on how rude it is that he doesn't attend family events, maybe you can find ways to make events more comfortable for him. Ask your sister whether there's anything you can do to make things easier.
It costs you nothing to extend the invite.
If he comes or not, if he's the only one in your life you experience this with, is it really that big a deal if he is an ass in a seat or not?
At most, for catered events, take a bit of pressure off them. "Hey, we're chucking a birthday bash in September and are having caterers. I know *insert name here* might not be able to come so instead of RSVPing for him if he feels up to it on the day he's still more than welcome, just pack some snacks and a sanga (or something to pop in the microwave)".
Not extending the invite could cost you a lot more than you want to pay.
Why wouldn’t you tell everyone you are renewing your vows?
Extend the invite to BIL, he probably won’t come so many double book his space.
I have been left off Xmas cards from my in-laws, it hurts, I find it passive aggressive.
I would, he probably won't come anyway.
You never know the struggles people are going through. Social anxiety can be debilitating. I feel like as a society we don't treat mental illness the way it should be treated. We should treat it just like any other illness. With compassion and kindness. If someone was in chronic pain you wouldn't batter an eyelid at them missing events. Mental illness should be treated the same.
Just keep inviting him and hopefully he will eventually get the help he needs or realise your family can be a safe space for him.
All the best with your vow renewals, I bet it will be really special 😊.
I eould definitely invite him. He hasn't done anything to cause fighting in your family. He is doimg what he needs to protect his mental health. But not inviting him is just mean spirited.
We have a cousin in law like this. He is come to Weddings and funerals but he that didn't even make it to his daughter's 21st birthday or a 50th birthday party that was thrown for him. But he is social and lovely if there is something planned at his house
Just invite him, he won't come anyway. Then there is no falling out or dramas with your sister.
Maybe you should try visit your sisters family in smaller gatherings. Maybe it might help to get some perspective and understanding?
Even if he turns down the invite, and seems rude and not trying to you, to him it’s prob killing him inside and feels he’s letting YOU down. Mental health is serious and it’s little things like this that can make or break someone. Just being invited is enough to make him feel included and loved. That one invite could potentially of saved his life that day etc If you can’t do it for him, do it for your sister. He’s family.
Never stoop down to someone elses level. If you dont invite him, then its YOU who's being nasty. Basically dont be a dick. Invite him.
To not be invited to something might just be the reason to push this man over the edge.
Please read more into mental health.
Have you tried visiting him at home, just one or two people...it’s very overwhelming getting out of the house for them and big groups take awhile.
I have been not invited to an event from partners friends and it’s the worst feeling, we longer really see them.
Invite him to the birthday party.... he won’t know it’s a wedding and won’t come! Problem solved and you can say you invited him and he chose not to come!
As the wife of someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I would be absolutely disgusted if he weren’t invited to my sisters event. To the point I wouldn’t attend.
I’ve been that sister making excuses and glossing over my husbands non attendance. His anxiety is crippling. And it’s embarrassing, awkward and frustrating being the bearer of bad news to people who could never possibly understand.
If you won’t do it for your brother-in-law, at least do it for your sister
Are you for real??!!
Why do people not give a shit about mental health yet if he was physically sick you'd give him a pass! By the sounds of it he'd be better off not being invited rather than sit there under your judgement nose!
Of course you should invite him! You are being really self-obsessed by making his mental health issues about you. Certain people in our life may only be on the periphery, but still need to be included in special events. A family member shouldn't need to put in a certain amount of effort to be worth your time. All that keeping score must be really emotionally exhausting for you. Just chill.
For someone who suffers from social anxiety and only gets invited to my in-laws family events when they are a bigger function or they know my partner will lose his absolute shit I even get excluded from the group family messages and my partner screen shots then and sends them to with him saying am I forwarding this on to but will will invite his ex to lunch dates shopping days and what not this happens in front of me the damage it has done to my already fragile mental health i to have stopped attending as many family events because I physically make myself sick with anxiety about going, please don’t exclude him because your frustrated I get your hurt but when you suffer from anxiety you feel like a burden and everyone is better off without you, he may feel like you invite him to things because you have to and has stopped attending because it’s a little to hard, mental health has so many different faces, it costs nothing to be nice.