Hey mums,
I’ve been in a relationship just over 2 years. I’ve kissed many frogs in order to get here and I truly believe my partner is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, however, I don’t feel as though the feelings are mutual. We are both older (I’m late 30’s, he’s early 40’s) neither of us have been married, but we both have kids to previous long term relationships. I am at that point in my life where I just want to settle down, get married, buy a house etc. We have both agreed that we don’t want children together as we have our hands full with the 5 kids between us ranging in age from 6 to 17. 3 out of 5 of the children have 50/50 with their other parent, and one lives with the other parent full time and comes to visit during school holidays, and my child child lives with me permanently.
I believe we both have a good line of communication and I have discussed in length about what I want in a relationship right from the start and he always said he wanted the same. But we are over two years into the relationship and we don’t live together, there are no plans to live together, even when my house got sold and I had to look for another rental, there was no mention or suggestion from him to move into his house. He recently came into a very large sum of money and I made the suggestion that we should buy a house together as I also had some savings behind me to contribute, and he said because he got burned by his ex who took everything from him he was reluctant to buy a house with someone else. I said he should trust me that I am not like that, but I was still met with hesitation, so I put it behind me and I have been continuing to save to buy a house on my own. The conversation of marriage has also been brought up, we are both not getting any younger and I would like to get married whilst I can still enjoy it and look somewhat attractive. It’s always been a big deal for me, him not so much. I just like to feel committed, and I’ve experienced most of my friends all get married around me and I would love for it to finally be my turn. It seems like he is just happy going with the flow, whilst I just want to get on with it. He says it doesn’t matter to him if we get married or not and I told him that when we first started dating that it’s something that I really wanted and he agreed, saying he’s ready to settle down now too.
I’m starting to feel that maybe I am more invested in this relationship than he is. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I feel we are just so compatible with each other. He’s romantic, a hard worker, compassionate and loves my child like his own. We get along great, and although we’ve had our disagreements, we have never had an actual fight. But along with his pro’s he does have some cons. I am quite co dependant, I require reassurance, not constantly, but I like to know he’s still around. We see each other a few times a week, I wish it was more and I miss him terribly when I don’t see him, but he can go days without seeing or hearing from me and it wouldn’t affect him in the slightest. I like to feel that I am missed and wanted in a relationship, and not just around when it’s convenient for him. I have also felt lonely in this relationship. A feeling I am not used to when I am in a relationship.
I don’t know if I’m just wasting my time, I don’t want to throw away a good relationship where I am happy because things haven’t gone my way. I am somewhat adaptable, I just wish I knew exactly where our relationship was going, because the way it is now is not sustainable for me in the long term.
7 Replies
A man with kids nearly 40 should be able to make a decision. His lack of desire to have stability of marriage and a house etc with you is in fact a decision. Leave and let yourself be open to a man that does want that. If he has the ability to be the man you need he will get there quickly if you leave... But honestly I don't think that's likely so don't take that step if you're banking on him chasing you.
This is the level of commitment he wants. This is as good as it gets with him. He’s decided that you aren’t worth taking a risk on.
If marriage, moving in etc are important to you it’s time to move on.
Part of finding mr right has to be what he gives you in terms of love and commitment.
Its all nothing if it isnt returned, right?
I know for sure plenty of men hear you say what you want and they then say 'not looking for a relationship but happy to see where it goes' but what they actually mean is I heard you want a relationship and I know I dont but if theres a way in then Im going to take it.
My partner of two and half years was 21 when got together and stepped up to be a dad to my daughter, moved out of home despite family negativity and when I said marriage is important to me, asked what timeframe I was thinking and began saving for a ring and a wedding. He encouraged me to stay home and focus on our family and now I’m going back to work he’s my biggest champion.
He’s now 23. Your partners in his fifties. If a 23 year old can make those kinds of decisions a fifty odd year old man definitely can. He knows what his priorities are, he’s made it clear they aren’t the same as yours. Tell him what you’re feeling and if he’s not willing to meet you somewhere in the middle, he’s not for you. Life’s too short for wasting it on someone who doesn’t share your wants in life.
I’m scared to ask, how old are you?
You need a proper conversation. I have young children and have no intention of moving in with someone while they are young. So even if I was madly in love I still wouldn’t move in. Could that be the case?
Its very easy for you guys to make a financial agreement that protects each of your assets and money in case you split up. I think that he is as committed as he is ever going to be. You need to decide whether or not you are ok with that.