This is a little longer than I intended, sorry.
Ok let's talk about bdsm, my husband and I are just discovering the joys of bdsm. It has been a strange path so far, exciting but strange. I have taken the Domanat role. And I'm really not very confident. I am embarrassed by my body, I don't like having to turn it on and off, so I suggested we take it to 24/7. Now it seems to be working well, but it seems I do more of the subs role in that I am waiting on him hand and foot because I feel he has been at work all day and he works bloody hard, I am currently not working so I feel the least I can do is look after his needs. This morning I laid his work clothes out and warmed up our bathroom for him as it is pretty chilly here today. And he told me I need to stop it is his job to pamper me as his Dom that's his job as a sub.
I told him this has nothing to do with our roles I just do it because I love him and feel that while I'm not working the least I could do is make his life a little easier before after and during work. When I do return to work I will be doing 60+ hour weeks and he can then reverse it and he can look after my needs but for now, this is me doing what I would like done for me if roles (working jobs) was reversed and he was at home and I was at work.
Any other Domanatrix ladies out there, is he right in that I shouldn't be doing this or am I right in doing it because I love him and feel he deserves to be pampered? Really new to all of this and just looking for some outside advice.
9 Replies
I’ve dabbled (dated a guy who’s past relationships were BDSM). Technically he probably is correct. But it doesn’t sound like this lifestyle actually matches who you are as people 24/7.
I think if you are going to be the dom 24/7 you will burn your self out. Because you will be playing a roll whenever your husband is around. That will be exhausting.
If you can’t be yourself around your partner what’s the point of a partner?
I personally think if he needs to be dominated then that’s realistically a roll you can take on for periods of time.
People are BDSM because that’s who they are, it’s a burning desire and I’m just not getting that from your post in regards to yourself.
I broke up with my ex because although I’m happy to play, that shit gets old for me and I want to mix it up because I’m not truly BDSM.
He is in the right.
BDSM is a lifestyle, it is a full blown kink and you are either all in or all out if you want to do it properly. It is quite serious to people involved. Buy him a necklace when he is ready and deserving.. that'll give him a sense of achievement. But ONLY when you understand it way more than you currently do :)
There's a few pages on FB that discuss this heavily :)
Sorry but youre confused. Youre mixing up playing a sexual role with doing acts of love and kindness in a relationship. You need to stop the 24/7 thing right now until you can understand the difference.
It seems like he wants you to be dominant as this is a switch from your daily lives and youre naturally quite subservient. That role has nothing to do with your body, and nothing to do with loving acts, its a sexual fantasy experience.
Actually you are wrong. BDSM is not 100% about sex. It extends to daily life as well.
You tell your bitch to shut up because you can do whatever you want!
I am in a 24/7 relationship too and have been for four years. While I am the sub I'm this relationship my Master does what he wants. He usually cooks for us and does a number of chores. That doesn't make him less of a master though it's him looking after he's property.
Being 24/7 doesn't mean being switched on uber Dom all the time. Save that for the bedroom or you will burn yourself out. It means understanding the dynamic that at any time you can give an order and he must follow. That you are in charge and his job is to obey. Doing things for him doesn't make you less of a Dom it makes you human.
My first suggestion is to take the bdsm test to actually find out where you sit on the scale as it may help you work out your roles.
Secondly you can be a caring dom. It does sound to me like you are more on the submissive side however if it does work out you are a dom there is nothing wrong with being a dom that cares for your sub. I am a sub however my dom husband does a lot of what you do as a way to look after me. He will pick out clothes and say to me I would like you to wear these or he will run me a hot bath and even bath me because I have had a hard day and it's his way of looking after me and providing a sort of after care. After care can happen at any time and is essential. Even though he is doing those things I am still 100% the submissive in our power exchange.
Once you have taken the test I suggest you both sit down and complete a yes/no/maybe list. It's basically a list of things you want to try or would possibly be open to try and can range for sexual acts right through to basic housework or daily tasks. This will help you establish boundaries. It's important to keep revisiting this as things change and keep communicating about your wants and needs.
Lastly have fun and enjoy exploring this together.
Dom does not equal greater than, just as sub does not mean less than. Each of us hold pieces of ourselves to higher importance and as part of a 24/7 dynamic, you have to know which pieces of yourself and your life you're willing to sacrifice. You both then need to communicate it.
To give you an idea, some of the things that are off-limits for me (my hard boundaries) are:
- Whenever we have visitors, I am not engaging in anything, even if it's not sexual.
- No ass-to-mouth
- I'm not a slave and will not be treated as such
- I wear my discreet collar the same way you would a wedding ring - never take it off!
Some of the "rules" of our 24/7 dynamic that we both really enjoy are:
- he will order me to practice self-care ("go for a hot shower, shave your legs, wash your hair and don't come out until you feel like you're entirely relaxed")
- he picks my outfits often (I have a super diverse wardrobe and he has a super diverse taste, but I am very indecisive. I can't decide between my grunge or florals most days)
- if he really wants me to obey, he will grab my throat and kiss me (even things like cooking dinner. It's a non-verbal way of saying "remember you're the sub" and works for us both)
A lot of it is non-verbal, which you can only get with great communication.
We explored the elements of what made us feel our roles worked and why we felt the respect of the other in theirs. It helped us better defined the boundaries and learn what is and isn't part of or important to our dynamic. You two are entirely different people to any other two people and different again in how your relationship works. Embrace your individualism and express it through your dynamic.
Me and my partner are into this I’m dom him sub but we keep it strictly in the bedroom out of the bedroom his the man of the house we both work and both help around the house anything bdsm stays in the bedroom only