Hi lovely mumma's
I am needing some advice on how to help my 13 year old daughter who struggles daily with bad anxiety and leaving the house.
A quick back story....... Her father and I separated about 5 years ago. After of doing 50 50 custody with her younger sister for about 1 1/2 years she refused to see her dad. She had started getting very violent with me the night before she was to leave. She then threatened to kill herself if I sent her. This violence went on for about 12 months she has been in counselling since it started and still goes. 3 years ago I met a guy and we had a baby. This man was not nice and caused many issues in my neighbourhood and we had to flee our home (baby was about 4 months) and flee from him. I was homeless. I stayed with friends with the baby but sadly the older 2 had to go stay with their dad. Just over 12 months ago I got a house and things were to go back to 50 50 but once she came to mine she wouldn't go back to his house. Last year she thought she would try go on a holiday with him (about 8 his drive away) for a few days with her little sister and his new partner (she seems nice and girls have no issues with her). My 13 yr old had a massive panic attack while down there and he wanted to send her home alone on a bus or train. My new partner (is amazing with me and the kids) drove us down there to pick her up. She has now only gone to see her dad a few hours on a day. He never calls her. He messages her once a month if she is lucky (I got her a phone as his excuse was he didn't want to talk to me). Now I struggle to get her to leave the house. Not to go shopping not to go out for dinner (which she use to love) and I struggle everyday to get her to go to school.
She has a few good friends at school so it's not no friends issue. But has been begging me the last 12 months to home school her. I have tried to get her to just come for a drive then just say 'oh we need milk we will race in and get it' just to try and get her out of the house. I have banned all electronics and taken with me or had some one here watching her if I left and she wouldn't come. I have banned friends coming over (she won't even go to their places). She is still in counselling. I have tried so much. Tough love and a soft touch and nothing is working. I am so scared she won't ever leave the house and will loose the few friends she has.
Would anyone have any ideas on things I can try or tips on what to do because I don't know what to do anymore and it breaks my heart. makes me feel like I have failed her.
Thank you all
21 Replies
Counsellor or psychologist??
If she is seeing a counsellor I’d get a psychologists opinion and also discuss wether medication is appropriate with your daughters doctor.
Your daughters psychologist can help you discuss strategies and if/when they are appropriate.
I wouldn’t take advice in regards to strategies from us. This needs a professional to guide you.
Considering everything this poor child has been through, I’m not surprised.
Yet here you are, again, with yet another partner.
Does this kid ever get some breathing room?
LET her friends come over, any joy/happiness/friendship you can give her, please do it.
Let her have technology, it’s a way she can engage with the world in the safety of her home.
Forget the counselling, she needs a professional trauma child psychologist to unravel all she has been through.
In the meantime, this kid needs from you, stability, patience, kindness, love and to be a priority.
FYI, don’t push her to see her father.
Surely you’ve considered the prospect that something very bad is happening to her at dads place?
What is the mother meant to stop her life and not find love or her own happiness. One day her kids will grow up and she will have missed out on a life too. You can be a mother and your own person at the same time. Sorry that you struggle with that ! The mother is allowed to have a life and meet someone. Stop being so judgemental. It's obvious she puts a lot of time in for her daughter. Geez people like you. Shocking !
The mother has had the child back for only 12 months, they have been through dv and a potentially abusive father. It’s not putting her life on hold, it’s prioritising the needs of a child who has been through extreme trauma. Of course a single mum can repartner, but waiting a few years to help her child is not unrealistic. Kids needs come before mums, sorry. This child needs to recover with her mum and siblings.
Have you considered the child won’t make it to adulthood if she doesn’t get the help she needs?
Sadly yes have considered bad things at her dads and she is not forced to see him at all. I RARELY take away her technology it's only if things get very bad. She is allowed friends over and has them come over a number of times a week. I do focus a lot on the children. And yes have another partner but was slow with introducing to the kids and he is great with her. She talks to him very well and has a great relationship with him. I have tried physiologist and they didn't help at all it made her worse the last one when she found out they were talking to her father also. I have been talking with gp and we are trying what we can before medication. The counsellor she sees is a trauma one for children. Sadly a lot has happened an I very much wish I could change the past. We have been very stable with life the last 18 months and things are getting so much better just hard to get her to leave the house even to go to friends houses. They always come here. She has one close friend that has a sleep over every other week end. I do not stop her from seeing friends nor do I stop her contacting them.
Who told your daughter her father was talking to the psychologist?
Didn’t you tell the psychologist that you feel something is going on with dads place, something to explore and definitely should not be told dad is involved in the therapy.
If dad is suspected of abuse, they have protocols, but you have to be her advocate and tell them these things.
That it’s a space place for her to talk about her parents and worries/concerns, without worrying about consequences.
You’ve only had your daughter back 12 months and considering all she’s been through, I don’t care how nice he seems for now, he shouldn’t be in her life. Surely you can see how another new man could cause your daughter some anxiety.
The not leaving the house is a symptom of her trauma, there’s no easy fix, it took years to build up and it may take a while to unwrap.
Sorry but this all seems very badly managed. She ended up having to live with her father for 12 months who she had previously shown she had intense fear of, to the point of violence the night before. You need a professional to get to the bottom of it all, not a counsellor and it needs to be managed properly by you.
You also need to be honest, with yourself and the professionals. Everything your last comment said is in contradiction to your original post.
I can’t honestly for the life of me understand....
Hugely traumatic experience, after said traumatic event, daughter is forced to live with a man that she is intensely afraid of, for reasons you don’t even know (frightening), couch surfing with a tiny baby and you’re making eyes and start banging some bloke. Seriously, you need to get your priorities straight or your kids are going to really suffer, they already are.
I guess she sees mums home stability directly linked to her relationship with a man so that would cause all sorts of anxiety especially when the result whenit goe spear shaped is that she goes to dads place, a threat that clearly for some reason haunts her. This girl needs active work to undo the trauma and the mum needs work to really properly understand whats happened and what that means, and work to prioritise that the next few years are smooth for her in a safe, calm home.
I agree, the wound would be so raw and mum marches in another man
I think she probably has abandonment issues, hence not wanting to leave home.
In her mind, at her most scared/vulnerable, she had to leave her home/mum, makes sense she doesn’t want to leave now.
Add to that the chances of entering another dv relationship when you haven’t taken the time to heal from the last one, being sucked in by yet another charming man, I don’t see this ending well for any of them.
Oh she definitely has two parents that have both let her down severely. The woulds will be deep and difficult.
The pressure on the children and mum to 'make it work' for him when actually him not being in the picture would be ok if mum was building her own stability and the kids were seeing that. Of course she gets on with him, whats the alternative. Be very aware of that and watch out for her.
Yes, she’ll be on her very best behaviour after what happened last time.
Kids have a way of internalising things and blaming themselves for stuff that isn’t remotely their fault.
Even if she doesn’t blame herself, I’m sure she’s walking on egg shells, because the only two father figures she has had she has grown to fear. I hate to think how she will navigate relationships when she’s older.
She’s also at such an impressionable age.
What a shame she isn’t seeing mum rocking it alone, independent, showing her that she is a priority and that women are tough and strong.
That woman can be single and strong.
This little girl has been through absolute hell. Im sure you havent even written the worst of it, and I can see already she has been through so much. Too much. To be honest it doesnt matter at all how good the new partner is, he shouldnt be part of it. This girl needs stability. Long term. Support. And a psychologist. The psych will also tell you what she needs and what tact you should take on different matters.
And get her on the meds. What on earth would you be thinking to hold off while shes struggling so badly and stilll going downhill.
I would never put my child on meds. Meds are a temporary fix. You have to be in out of your mind to let your child rely on that and not get to the root of the issue. There are other ways and interventions, meds should be last. This is absolutely horrible advice!
Different commenter....Mental illness can be biological you know, but hey, because it’s mental health, don’t provide medication. Also, meds can stabilise so therapy and intervention is more effective and can actually help. Then as she learns coping mechanisms and unravels everything, she can come off them. Such a simplistic, ignorant response from a person who has absolutely no idea. That’s dangerous shit you said.
You are describing my 13yo daughter to a T. A few years ago she started getting anxiety, struggling to go to school, outings and also her Dads house. She would actually want to go, she would try to get ready and it would end up with her laying on her floor crying 'I want to go but I can't go', repeating this over and over. I tried plenty of things that didn't work, like making her go by force, yelling, crying, taking devices. None of that worked. We saw a counsellor with not much success. We then found an amazing clinical psychologist, she learns how to recognise when starting to get anxious, techniques how to distract herself when she is going to have an anxiety attack. All this for 2 years but she still suffered with terrible anxiety when she needed to go places. One day it turned extremely dangerous when she had an accident having an attack and fell through our glass windows resulting in so many stitches, it was devastating. We saw our Dr how prescribed half an anti anxiety tablet per day. It has been life changing. She has been coming everywhere with me, every time I leave the house. Even just to pick up siblings or to go grocery shopping. She still gets anxiety but deals with it much better. Tonight she missed dance lessons as it was mufti day and she was worried about what to wear but she is to miss lessons for weeks/months cause she couldn't get there. School is non negotiable,b she just has to go, no questions.
Her psycholigist told me to encourage her friends over, that's the best thing for her. Allow devices but watch what's happening on there. Social media is good to keep them in touch with others. Feel free to ask any questions
When my son's dad had a partner, he witnessed a lot of DV. Eventually it got to a point (before I knew) where my son was so afraid he came to me and said he didn't feel safe there anymore. From that point, his dad went off the rails. The entire experience was very traumatic for my son. As time went on, dad got his shit together however every time a new girlfriend entered the relationship, my son would be so anxious about it he would be a mess. He was afraid that his dad having new girlfriend would mean the DV would start again. He Associated a new partner with feeling unsafe.
I'm telling you this because your daughter has been through trauma. With the DV with your ex boyfriend. With her dad. The DV with your ex boyfriend meant she had to be forced to live with her dad. Now you have a new boyfriend. I'm not saying it definitely is the root of her anxiety right now and you are 100% allowed to fall in love, but you need to have a conversation with your new boyfriend about huge boundaries being put in place eg. Not moving in together until your daughter feels safe so she has a chance to heal.
Is there a CAHMS near you? Or a headspace? These services need to be accessed. She may even need to see a psychiatrist. Work with her schools welfare department. They would have resources and be able to refer you to CAHMS also.
Within three years her mum has repartnered, she has git a new sibling, shes been through horrendous DV, been homeless, forced to live with her dad and separated from her mum, and her mum has repartnered. That is a lot in such a short amount of time for anyone let alone a child! Are you seeing a psychologist or trauma counsellor for yourself? So you are the best possible version of you to help your daughter?