My little boy is 5, he just started kindergarten this year.
This is something that has never come up before in his vocabulary and im not sure how to approach this or if to approach it at all and what to say.
My son is compassionate and loving and caring to all children he is around.
In his second week he came home from school and he mentioned to me he needed his nails cut because he accidentally scratched a "brown" boy at school.
At the time I told him that we dont need to mention the colour of the child's skin, that we are all the same.
Again he came home from school today and mentioned to me that there was a "brown" child whom he played with.
It isn't said in a malicious way or with an negative connotation.
My question would be, is it okay to refer to other people like this (as there is no negativity around it and he may just be noticing similarities and differences in people), or to ignore it and maybe it will stop, or would it better to try to have a conversation with him as it occurs, and if I do say something what would you suggest I say, as I feel he doesn't understand.
This has never came up prior to starting school, and he attended a multicultural daycare with diverse cultures. I always assumed that he didnt notices differences and it didn't bother him.
I just would like to teach him that no matter what someone looks like, hair colour, skin colour, disabled or not that we are all the same. And not to judge someone by these differences, that it's what is on the inside.
Please help me, im very lost on how to approach this subject
27 Replies
My daughter would refer to darker colored skin as brown at 5. I just let it be, she grew out of it.
Its just natural. There skin is a different color, nothing wrong with it.
It's really just observational at that age! Let's be real, skin colour is predominantly the first thing we notice about people.
I'd just encourage him to use this boys name, he says "brown boy" you say "let's call him Ben, okay", modelling other ways besides physical traits to describe people is a good idea too, such as, the boy who wears overalls, the girl who likes to play on the swings etc.
I also think it's less offensive to describe someone as brown or black or Asian etc than to not acknowledge it at all. I've witnessed someone I know describe a person of colour like this "he's...you know...ahem *raises eyebrows knowingly* not our skin colour".
My point being that sometimes by trying to be politically correct, you can actually become more problematic.
I think every child this age does this.
Hi, its not ok. Imagine the point of view of his little friend who is 'innocently' referred to like that. Hes obviously a minority to be able to be singled out for his skin colour, hes going to be wondering why hes different and why his skin identifies him when it doesnt anyone else. This is why we dont identify him as a 'brown boy', hes in your kid's class, tell your kid to make it his job tomorrow to learn his name and the next day learn something else about him and next find something they have in common.
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Unfortunately my son is a bit delayed with his language, due to hearing issues. So he doesn't ask for name, I have encouraged it, on the first week I asked every day who did you play with what are their names have you made friends etc. He doesn't know. I can ask him again to ask for their names, but I dont think he will.
The kids in my daughter's class with brown skin all refer to it themselves and say she has pink skin and another girl (also Caucasian) has yellow skin. At this age it's genuinely an observation. Gosh... my eldest daughter was always referred to as the curly girl, or girl with messy hair. My son would be referred to as the boy with dots on his face (dimples). My niece says her friend has brown skin and she has dotty skin (freckles). It's good to ask if they know their name, but we need to be careful we aren't politicising something innocent.
I know it's completely innocent and there is nothing negative around what he says. But at the same time I want him to have respect for others and their feelings to. So im unsure if this is something that is age appropriate or something that I should be having a conversation about with him
Both. Its obviously new to him, and yes you should be having a conversation.
Right its an observation. Then we teach them them to get to know the kids so we dont label them that way, because its not ok.
Its also good if your white and a clear majority to just listen to people and maybe change your old ways instead of crying PC gone mad.
I'm not saying that. I'm saying this mum doesn't need to worry about it being taboo or nasty when it's a completely age appropriate description that is an observation, not a judgement. Guaranteed the child being described makes similar observations about himself and others too. All she needs to do is ask a daycare teacher what the child's name is (or look at a class photo if she has one) and say... Oh, you mean Eli. The same way she would if he referred to the girl with long hair by saying oh... You mean Anne. He'll start using their names over time. Simple.
Yes exactly what i said. Nowhere did i say mum should feel bad over it.
Ps. A description isn't always a label. If a parent couldn't find their child in a shopping centre, they would give a description... height, skin colour, hair colour, the clothes they were wearing, any other definable features. Younger grades in schools will have kids form friendships after discussing, with great interest, what they have in common and how they differ in every way imaginable, including appearance. These observations and discussions can actually be really wonderful because they don't have any idea that once upon a time, those differences could have been a problem.
It’s a developmental stage. Ask your son if he knows the boys name.
Unfortunately, I am having trouble with him asking names. He says he plays with children - boys and girls. But doesn't use their names, however I have encouraged it. That's why I'm a bit unsure what to say
Find out his name yourself. Go in and youll see it on the door or the board, or ask the teacher, then when he says the brown boy you can say, 'Jimmy'. Obviously the next best thing to do is if names dont matter in his stories then he can just say my friend. Or the boy. Yes he has brown skin but so do millions of people, your kid needs to not get used to labeling him that way.
He’s just saying the colour because it’s a innocent observation. The boy is brown, if he was purple he’d most likely say purple. But I’d try encourage him to used names or find something else About people to describe.
It's really important we don't refer to observations as labels. It unintentionally helps continue division. An observation is impartial. A feature that was able to identify which child he was referring to was given. Without any form of judgement. A label is something that puts someone in a box and has inherent value or judgement attached.
I.e. observation... This man has black skin.
Label... He probably did it because he's black.
Observation... She has blonde hair.
Label... She acts so blonde.
It's really wrong to refer to a description of an identifying feature as a label when it isn't one. It says that he was judging when he wasn't which implies that having brown skin is a bad thing. The only thing required is to discreetly encourage a different way to refer to that child like learning his name. That way other people listening won't misinterpret his statement.
When he's a little bit older you can explain why you encourage him to identify people without referring to skin colour by giving some information about prejudice that existed/exists.
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I agree with all of this!
No. A label is the way you describe or refer to a person, and its really wrong to tell yourself its observable so its fine, or even all wonderful conversations. It just isnt and these sheltered kids need to be educated so they dont always point out and discuss people with dark skin or different hair as if theyre something different.
Of course on a prep school level is one thing im responding to the adults here expressing these ideas.
I'm not sure you realise that you're the only person labelling anyone. Children are not "sheltered" because an adult doesn't twist their words to mean something sinister when it isn't. Nor will they grow up to be part of the problem if a discussion about a complex social issue they're completely unaware of waits until they have the capacity to understand it. No one is suggesting that the mum encourage the observation by starting to refer to the boy as little Johnnys 'brown friend' or even that she does nothing.
Well they are sheltered if they live somewhere in Australia and hes got to school before meeting a kid with nonwhite skin.
It literally mentions in the post that he went to a culturally diverse daycare prior to starting kindy.
Which stands to reason that this is not OPs son's first time being exposed to different ethnicities.
And you think saying 'non white' skin is better 🤨 wtaf?!
Right?!
'Non white' is offensive. It's proves my point nicely that I made further up about trying to be PC but actually ending up being ignorant.
Yep. So true. Non white implies white is best and every other skin colour isn't as good so we should avoid referencing it so we don't upset the person by pointing it out. The same way telling a child who isn't old enough to understand history that we don't refer to someone as brown or black because it's mean or might upset them is essentially saying their skin colour is something they are probably ashamed of.
OP here,
I think I should clarify based on some of the answers below I have received.
Yes he came from a culturally diverse daycare, aswell as a very culturally diverse family, aboriginal, Chinese, European, and Indian family members. So this is why these conversations at first came as a shock to me, as he has never pointed it out before or made observations about. I just assumed it was so normal to him to be around people from all walks of life that he wouldn't notice.
I have had conversations with him, about asking for the child's name and said to him we dont call them by the colour. But I wasn't sure if this was the correct way to approach it.
He has only recently had photos taken, so when we receive group photos back we can look at them and talk about names
Due to my work shifts I dont drop off and pick up, so I can't go and ask or look at a door.
I guess maybe I wanted reassurance that it was age appropriate and having light conversations about it, is probably the right path to take