My husband thinks I treat my ex better than him because I listen to his shit (he’s a compulsive liar and likes to sprout whatever will help him at the time) whether it’s on the phone or in person (in one ear out the others or me).
Husband came home one afternoon and ex was there and I freaked out because I was standing there listening to him (while he was picking up kids) and I knew husband would be angry at finding that. Husband thinks I was cheating or guilty or something. Have tried to explain and have apologised for having said conversation behind his back (even though it wasn’t behind his back because I would have worked up the courage to tell him and face the anger that followed).
Husband thinks I need to just tell ex to shut his mouth and that I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to create waves as it was not an amicable separation nor was it a healthy relationship, but kids are involved.
I don’t want to be rude or impolite as it’s not who I am and I’d rather deal with 5 mins of having to listen to ex than the repercussions of telling him to shut up.
Have told husband that he is asking me to deal with a situation in a way that makes him happy rather than a way that is comfortable for me.
Am I in the wrong?
Am I wrong?
Am I wrong?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
9 Replies
I don't think you're wrong for wanting to keep things pleasant with your ex, listening to his rambling for 5 minutes would be doing your kids a lot of favours, they see everyone getting on and it just makes life less stressful! Your husband needs to get over it.
Your not wrong.. you just married a douche...
As a grown up we have conversations with people we prefer not. It’s a part of life. And for you the father of your child.. it will benefit your children if you him or him from time to time so transfer of care is calm and easy
If listening to your kids dad dribble shit for 5 minutes avoids a conflict during change overs - that's a very small price to pay.
I will say that you shouldn't allow him to monopolize your time though. If a phone call starts getting irrelevant to things you actually need to speak about you can still be polite whilst putting some boundaries in place.
Example "Blah, blah, blah, I'm so excellent, here's a lie about something trivial..."
"Ok, since we've sorted Kate's swimming lessons and you're picking the kids up at 10am Saturday, is there anything else about the kids we need to work out?"
"No, but blah, blah blah".
"Alright then, I have to head off. I'll see you at 10am Saturday, bye".
Second issue, your current husband.
He's behaving like an insecure, paranoid, overly confrontational dick. The way he's accusing you and kind of goading you in to an apology you do not owe is seriously toxic.
If he makes your co-parenting relationship more complicated, you need to reassess if he's actually partner/blended family material.
I'm quite happy to let my current partner listen to my ex if he wants to. I will sit inside eating a choccie biscuit while he does swap over ANY TIME lol. Maybe suggest to husband that you know your ex is a pain in the butt and that it would be helpful if he sometimes comes out or is around to help you extract yourself from that situation by joining in the conversation, while still keeping it calm for the children's sake. I started to realise if my partner is present, my ex leaves much sooner. However, if my partner is not there for swap over, his only concern has ever been that I am okay and not feeling intimidated by my ex. Current partner knows my ex is painful and also knows I would try to get away as soon as possible.
Your husband sure sounds like he's being a dick.
But.
Does he have a point? I know when relationships are comfortable it's easy to neglect them.
Do you both make time for each other, and prioritise time for each other?
If you are always too busy to pay attention when he speaks to you, that 5 minutes spent listening to your ex would grate on him. Rule it out before writing him off as being irrational.
Pull that other bullshit into line though. If he's going to accuse you of cheating he can back up his argument or fuck off. No-ones got time for that.
Um, I think I wrote this 😳
Sounds like to me your ex needs someone to talk to. I would love to be able to have a conversation with my ex. Sadly he took he’s own life several years ago. We use to have regular conversations about our daughter and just chat in general. Which like you my husband did not like. Maybe if I took the time to actually listen than he would have confided in me about what was going on in he’s head and I would have been able to help in some way and got him to seek help. Now my Daughter will grow up without her father in her life. And we have to deal with the after math. So before you dismiss him. Maybe ask him to seek help. You just never know what he is going through. As for your husband tell him to get over it. He should trust you anyway and you are free to talk to who you please. Do what makes you comfortable.
I think your husbands requests are quite fair. Although his behaviour isn’t 🙄. Bit of therapy wouldn’t go astray. You’ll possibly find that your husband is feeling very insecure right now, I think what he’s trying to say is that you are being too intimate (emotionally) with your ex and it is crossing his boundaries, and because you keep doing it and sounds like behind his back it’s making his insecurities much worse. There’s no reason why you need to talk to your ex on the phone about his problems (I would have serious concerns if my partner or I were doing this with our ex’s - who we share 7 kids with). And you don’t need to feel obligated to do so or guilty about not doing so. He lost that privilege when you split!. considering it’s your husbands house too and I assume there is a lot more to this story and reasons why your husband doesn’t like your ex, he should be respected in his home to, your kids can easily walk out to the car when the ex comes to pick them up. My partner and his ex are not amicable and he always walks out to the car to get the kids. Me and my ex are very amicable but I make sure to not cross any boundaries, transparency with my partner, and if the balance was upset I would be meeting my partners needs before my ex’s without a second thought.
Definitely not disrespectful to your Husband.
I liked it better when My Husband and his ex got along. It was much easier and healthier for their son and for all of us.
Sounds like your husband needs to talk to a counsellor and get his jealousy in check. I would be worried about him cheating on you. Accusers are usually projecting what they are going.
This man is your kids father and it is better for your children if you can all get along.
But really what harm is it if you listen to your ex rant for a few minutes