Hey guys,
I am struggling in my relationship on how to get my partner too be more open and responsible with money, to talk about money, share information and household expenses fairly.
I am not sure what to do, how to go about it, exactly what I should or shouldn't expect or if I am expecting too much.
We have been together 4 years, we have lived together for 3 of those years. It was a bit rocky for the first 12 months as I have 2 children from a previous relationship and he had no experience with children or any of his own so blending together was actually really difficult. My children's dad passed away 12 months ago but I have always struggled with asking him for help with them financially. We also now have our own son who is 13 months old and often I just feel like I pay more than my fair share.
He earns a full time wage. I work but only about 5- 10 hours a week max at this stage as I do a lot of the care giving and my older two children have some additional needs and extra expenses. I also do get some centrelink.
We have separate bank accounts.. he really is terrible with money he never saves and when he does he spends it with the intention to pop it back and never does.
Our rent is 340, food can range from 170-350 depending on what we need ( house of 5 , 2 in nappies) , he will often just transfer 350 i don't know how that come about but its just what happens that's to cover half the rent and half the food and electricity, our electricity bills can be around 300 a month, I pay most of the kids stuff clothes, medicine, school fees my own car loan and insurance, car repairs, my own phone and home internet bill, any little things I might buy as a reward or treat, my own fuel etc and he does his own car expenses only his really bad at paying his own bills and runs his car often to the ground, with one currently sitting in the drive way undrivable but still paying two regos as it needs work to be back on the road.
He generally is a hands on dad, loving and caring always present. But after 4 years every time I bring up expenses and money, we end up miles apart.
I feel like it's not fair because I am unable to work as I have been on maternity leave breastfeeding and caring for our baby and my 2 older children needed me during covid and their dad passing away ( he left no finacial support and was never really involved due to mental health.) So I have always just made ends meet , did want needed to be done and worked as much as I can when I can.
I can support myself but that leaves me thinking why do I need or want this man in my life if this is how it is as I feel like we should be wedging towards better things, a house, a new car, savings, holidays, if I am paying a large amount of the expenses I know he has around 300-400 dollars that goes im not sure and nil savings on his half and even if he did wouldn't talk about it share goals etc.
12 Replies
Not rushing and one conversation before you moved in together could have saved you a whole lot of pain.
He’s not live in partner material, sounds like he never was.
You are completely incompatible with your life goals/dreams and financial attitudes.
The really big important stuff.
I think you know what you need to do.
I have no idea why you would have a child with this man.
Thank you for your response, I think we haven't know how to have the conversation, with this man or any other who took on two special needs children that weren't his. Initially he has paid half the rent, some food and electricity.. so we did have the conversation.. I thought the rest would come naturally, it felt wrong to ask him to "provide " when their father was alive but wasn't. He sees it as I get money for the kids I think, but has been in a domestic relationship where he lost financial independence and I think that's why he wishes to keep private and independent but anyway that doesn't work now .. how does any work out how it should work...?
If he has issues with financial independence then it definitely should have been addressed, especially before having a child with him, which renders you unable to work. Did you discuss savings, goals like buying a house, budgets? I know you were only together a short 12 months before you moved him in, but didn’t you notice his spending habits? Weren’t you concerned he had no assets, as an adult male with no kids? When you got pregnant, or prior would be even better, didn’t you talk about maternity leave? Work out if his salary was enough to live off? Like discuss a budget? How long you’ll be off work? You need to take ownership of some of the issues, he hasn’t changed, but obviously your expectations have, as you are unable to work. You are a package deal, with the kids, you should have made him understand that and give him the choice if that’s what he wanted.
Id expect to be acting as a family by now. No way im supporting a man child, surely by now either youre all in as a family or you arent. And youre right, youd be better off without him. God having a grown human in the house acting in a father role but running his own spending like a free man would irk the shit out of me, thats really unbalanced.
I struggle to even understand what " acting like a family means" he is a very hands on parent, never misses anything, I couldn't ask for a better father, but money issues, seems hard to navigate.
A hands on father doesn't run away from money issues 🤷
You are a team, so you both need to be on the same page. How do you guys save? Like for holidays/house deposit etc? I would sit down, be honest and open, no blame games because it's the two of you who need to own up to your own issues. Start with barefoot investor, read his book a couple of times to really get it. Get some financial literacy books/podcasts. Some great independent information out there.
In a relationship your financial goals should be aligning.
We do discuss these things alot, but never get there. I am lucky to be financially enough off that I guess I never expected him to support us.. but I guess now I don't want him to support us but to see growth and alignment. Its not a matter of I don't think he won't, but doesn't know how and neither do I.
The big question I am asking I guess is how do two people from different wakes come together financially.. I mean how does it work in other houses..
The kids need clothes, I go to the shops I buy the clothes he is at work all the time.. do I bring him home a recipet and say please pay half?? The electricity bill comes in he will happily pay half , but I pay it off weekly so when it comes in it is always paid do I give him the bill and say I need your half hope you've put it aside... .. I know he will but how do you work out, how to do it.. is what I am asking for help with..
I was lucky to be very well off in my maternity leave I was paid and I had saved.. I have my goals and I just do them I talk to him about it, and try to include him but he does lack motivation. We haven't gone on a holiday as I have been saving and well he has started saving a little bit this year but then I don't really know how much should we have access to each others bank accounts as we both would not like a joined account , should we open a joined account for the purpose of bills only and pay from that account..
I go and do food shopping.. the last few weeks were was about 340 but then this week we didn't need much it was 180 .. i don't have access to his bank and even if i did wpuld we have had to sit down and budget..
if I went over and it doesn't fit his budget is that on me.. how do I budget, and work that with him..
I am also very financially independent and a nazi for making sure the bills are paid and everything meets I live within my needs and as if tomorrow I may not have a job and therefore have a nest egg to keep me out of trouble.. he unfortunately works full time but casual, holidays aren't paid for , no leave etc and has to save for his time off and little work where we are so can't just find a new job and boss knows that and promised the world when he took the job but hasn't come through with qualifying him or anything, my partner is scared to lose his job so doesn't push or keep on to his boss about it.
Acting like a family versus acting like a single. A family puts all in, takes care of all the business, makes plans together, sorts out personal spending and purchases inside the budget. Acting for himself is pulling out interest/conversation in any spending that doesnt serve himself, giving a set amount of money regardless of the actual cost, switching off, acting solo.
Do you think you were just grateful he took you on with 2 kids that you dont feel able to 'put them on him'. That, to me, is being a family, and how it should be. I wouldnt be able to stay if it wasnt that way, its no wonder youre unhappy with the set up and its ok to want to change it. You just have to be ok with asking for it. I want us to be acting like a family. 2 parents that are all in for all of the children.
From what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like he even knows how much your bills and expenses even are because you’ve always just taken care of it. When you say you end up miles apart when you talk about finances what do you mean? Maybe you need to write out all of your expenses so that he knows where the money is needed and tell him the figure that he needs to provide.
In our house it took the barefoot investor to get us financially on the same page. It was a step by step guide that my husband seemed to actually be able to understand and helped open the discussion on our money goals and priorities.
Maybe have a talk to him and just tell him, how the situation is right now, isn’t working! Tell him you NEED him to step up. Maybe when you first decided on how things were back when u first moved in were ok, but now, there’s 3 kids to look after, aswell as all the other things that cost alot of money. Just tell him, you need him to step up or you’re out! Simple as that. If he’s happy for you to leave rather than be the man of the house and provide for his family then he’s done you a favor. In our house, we have one bank account and a debit card each. ALL money goes into this one account and we spend whatever we want out of it! There is no “your money/my money/separate accounts”.
Maybe put all your expenses down on paper and show him how much it costs to live and what needs paying. He probably has no idea!
My ex-husband was also terrible with money. I later found out he was spending it on gambling and prostitutes.
My husband and I have not always been compatible financially despite being together for 17 years. We had separate bank accounts for many years and only joined them when we had our first child.
When we had separate bank accounts we each were responsible for paying something. Out of my wage was food and certain bills and his the mortgage. If worked out roughly the same on paper.
My husband still isn’t overly interested in anything budget wise and I’m ‘the money person’ in our family as I love all things budgets so he is happy to let me run with it and work towards joint goals. Currently we essentially live off my part time wage for bills, food, house maintenance, childcare, miscellaneous etc and husbands wage we transfer a set amount of spending money into a separate bank for spending each week and the rest goes on the mortgage/savings which allows us to save a lot more.
Maybe gently sit down and be prepared with your budget and numbers and say what you would think might work and see what he is resistant about. It’s possible it just overwhelms him.
People see chats about money very differently, I see it as exciting and super positive in what we can do and achieve yet my husband automatically sees it as a lecture. Start planting seeds to make little changes, you can’t keep going the way you are or will resent him when things are the same in 5 years time. If he’s a wonderful father and partner than he’s worth working through the money issues providing he is willing to change and work with you not against you.