I suffer with PTSD and anxiety for which I am medicated.. I also have chronic pain, also medicated.. I have about 1% libido so very rarely want sex.. in fact I could go without it at all.. on the weekend hubby and I had finished watching a movie and I suggested we put on some porn and mess around.. I NEVER DO THIS!! But I was in the mood.. as I was walking to the shower he said to me ‘na, I don’t wanna watch porn’.. I had my shower and got out to find him laying naked in bed.. I know you’re all thinking ‘what’s wrong with that?’ Well I need something more than a naked man saying ‘jump on’ to get my juices flowing if you know what I mean.. any other time we have sex we use lube as I am never turned on and am only doing my wifely duty.. (thanks libido) I got quite upset and told him not to bother.. it wasn’t what I offered/wanted.. so nothing happened.. I guess I’m just venting but also want to know if you think how I responded was unfair? I’m feeling a bit of guilt, though I’m not sure why..
13 Replies
I think there's nothing at all wrong with him waiting for you naked in bed when you just told him you wanted to mess around. It doesn't really mean he expected you to just jump on him, just means he was ready for you especially if you just got out the shower so you would be naked too? I think you may have some bad history when it comes to sex and you may be overly sensitive. I guess you already seek counselling but maybe you could bring this up with them?
You offered one thing, he wasn’t quite into that thing, so offered something else.
In the context of the situation how he behaved was appropriate.
Even if you hadn’t suggested porn it would be pretty typical of one partner to surprise another with being naked in bed.
Doesn’t mean you can’t turn it down, you don’t have to take what’s on offer, just like he didn’t take what’s on offer.
Just because he was naked it didn’t mean you needed to jump straight to penetrative sex either. I would still expect loads of foreplay either way.
When my husband does that, it doesn't mean sex straight away, for us, it's foreplay. We muck around and have fun and enjoy it.
I would really bring this up with your mental health professional - you want to have fun, you deserve to have a great sex life, just like other people.
Nothing he did was wrong. If you need stimulation, try finding some erotic stories online, to read quietly beforehand.
100% you have overreacted. You could have hopped onto the bed with him, also naked, and asked him to start touching you. Or vice versa - you could have started kissing him and fondling him... what he did was absolutely not wrong.
Geez you think you were hurt. Imagine how he felt!
Two parts here but at the core is communication.
If I was laying naked on the bed and my husband had a go at me, it would really, really hurt. It would undermine my self esteem and would do lasting damage. You both need to be on the same page with your love language.
You are feeling guilty because you genuinely hurt his feelings. Rejection that way really stings.
You need to get help with your PTSD etc so that you can both have a great sex life
Maybe he was hoping that the once in the blue moon you feel like, that he is enough? Porn not required. I feel really sorry the guy, I can’t imagine being rejected by my partner because they wanted porn first, what a blow to his self esteem. Also naked and kind of vulnerable, yikes, that would cut deep. Imagine the roles reversed, just for a second, then you might see why you feel guilty.
I think you should put yourself in your husbands position here?
How would you feel if he reacted the same way you did?
I.e was only interested in sex after watching porn... his way or the Highway...
I wish I had answers for you. I could of written this post word for word.
I battle every day and feel guilty for having no sex drive. My husband has quite a high labido and mine is non existent.
No matter what you have to do what feels right for you. I have come close to telling my husband to go elsewhere to get it but that would cause a whole heap of new issues and jealousy.
I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to add but please know you are not alone
I think it's nice that he didn't feel the need to watch porn to get in the mood to have sex with you. Don't feel guilty, it sounds as though it was some miscommunication. Perhaps he thought you were suggesting the porn for his benefit, perhaps he just wanted to show that he just wanted you? Perhaps you both needed to voice the reasons you did or didn't want to watch the porn and he could have found another way to turn you on? I know what you mean though, my husband can just say 'ok, let's have sex tonight' and that be that but it's not as easy as that for me. I need him to give me a reason to be in the mood for sex, I need him to warm me up to it. Ken do struggle to understand we're not as simple as flicking a switch to horny like they seem to be. I want regular sex but I also want to be turned on first. Sometimes I'll suggest porn for the same reason.
Yes I think you over reacted. You said yes and then changed your mind because it wasn't exactly how you wanted it. I'm not being unsympathetic because you have medical conditions, but don't like the poor me attitude! Your poor husband, more like!
I think the sentence “it wasn’t what I wanted so we did nothing” is they key here. If it’s always so one sided I feel sorry for him. You said you wanted to fool around so he was waiting for you? I don’t see why that should have stopped anything happening in the bedroom.