How hard is it leaving a marriage for the sole reason you dont love him anymore. There has been years of heartache leading up to it, and he has tried to help in ways that I dont need (as in does things, fixes things, moves houses) but all i crave is affection, intimacy, fun and timeout together. Whereas his basic needs are Work as much as the day allows, dont book holidays, thats precious work time. We dont go out together at all, we dont have mutual friends together anymore. We dont have fun. We dont have anything to look forward to as his main goal in life is pay all debt quickly. He is an extremely hard worker and a bloody brilliant dad, he just sees no importance in keeping things fun in the marriage. I generally have to initiate sex, or it dosent happen, as in could go for 6 months and not happen. Life is just ultimately boring with him. We have 4 children and i desperately want to stay, but my marriage has made me so lonely and depressed, i have had 4 professionals telling me "I know what i need to do do help myself". I have been working at it for over 5 years (been together 17, married for 13). How do I justify leaving someone who would do anything for me, except what i need?
15 Replies
I wonder though how you will feel when he achieves the “debt free period”...
Lonely! By then all my kids will be grown up and in a different stage of life and i will be stuck with a man I have no connection with. He will of course be overwhelmed with pride, which I dont blame!
You've grown apart and this is how most marriages end. It is the cause of a lot of affairs and toxic relationships where all you do is fight. You've realised it's over before all the messy stuff has a chance to start. Don't feel guilty for that.
Because we are conditioned to settle, and if a guy isn't abusing or cheating then there's nothing wrong. The bar for men is LOW. On paper, he sounds great - hard worker, good dad, responsible with money, geared toward working hard for a payoff. Some people might be on that same page and be happy working to reach that mutual goal to sacrifice a bit of fun now to achieve a bigger end goal. But not everyone is satisfied with that - you're not and there is nothing wrong with that. You value fun, romance, connection and experiences. He doesn't. You're not compatible. Best to figure that out now, and not spend years being miserable and wanting more.
Your title is misleading.
You aren’t leaving just because you fell out of love.
You are leaving because there are a lot of good reasons why you aren’t on the same page and that’s made you deeply unhappy.
It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to try and fix this but if there is no compromise or meeting in the middle what do you do?
Even if you didn’t leave and waited for him to stop working all the time (news flash, even if he retired he won’t stop being busy because that’s who he is as a person) trying to reconnect with him at that point would be extremely challenging.
Leaving is always difficult and it’s always painful even when they are abusive pricks. You’ve just got to go out and live your best life. No point living in limbo, it’s not fair to you, the kids or him.
There are many love languages on how each person in a partnership shows their love to the other.. Its up to you though to know how to interpret them for your own connection. If its still not compatible enough for you and the love can't be saved because its just not there, then no point in dragging things out.
Have the both of you done marriage councilling or just yourself?
Yes several times 😢
Just telling you the grass isn’t greener out there, I think you’ll be surprised at the dating pool, it’s a sesspool.
Did you try scheduling activities, he sounds like he needs to plan his schedule in advance.
Like 5.00 pm on fridays we go for a walk on the beach as a family.
At 9.00 pm on Saturday night we have a shower together and then etc etc
Make these routines become a habit.
Its very hard to find a good father and Partner, that is hardworking.
I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but I’m just being realistic.
Do you work?
If not, could you get a part time job so he can work less?
Thankyou, this reply is so lovely. Unfortunately, we can't schedule as it tends to always get cancelled due to a drama on the farm (breakdowns, cows sick, fence down etc). We own a dairy farm and he left it (with a sharefarmer) to keep me happy. Took up another casual job that turned into permanent 40+ hrs a week, so add that onto running the behind the scenes action on the farm we are now working more than ever. I got a part time job 2 years ago for that exact reason, to share the financial load. The more I work, the more he does, it's not worked how I hoped. I try and make time for days out or just a couple hours on a weekend and he just watches his clock waiting to go do a job somewhere. He hates what I want to do for leisure ie. Chill out, beach or kayaking with kids. I gave never really taken to the farm and that's his passion. Sorry I guess my post dosent really give the whole story. Thankyou for your well thought reply x
Farming is a lifestyle, from the farmers I know, they work incredibly long hours and need a woman who is okay with that a d provide support. Best you go your separate ways. He’s obviously tried, leaving something he loves for you, but it obviously wasn’t enough.
Hmmm. I second the comments about couples counselling rather thanpersonal counselling understanding each other's love language. If you separate and have 50/50 shared care, you will be missing him and your kids for a whole week at a time 26 weeks a year. That doesn't sound like the family time you say you want. And he'll have worked that hard for nothing because assets will be split too. Lay your cards on the table so he understands that the comfortable life he's working so hard to achieve can't happen unless he invests in his marriage and work. From what you say, I just see you both being unhappy if you leave. Also, do you both earn decent incomes? Maybe he's working so hard because he feels like the security of his family of 6 is mainly on his shoulders?
Thankyou for your kind reply xx just to explain a bit more. yes cards have been laid on the table twice before. It just goes back to same old too soon 😢 we own our home, so life should be a bit easier on us. However he wants to pay the farm off in full, which is not necessary as we have a loan with his parents so no extra interest if we take a bit longer. I am basically with the kids on my own as I never know when he's going to be home so if he was with them 26 weeks it's way more quality fur him. I left him at the end of last year but chickened out. In that time he told me he didn't need to work and he would have kids 50/50 which made me think he could do that with us as a family if I went back....the day I wanted to sort it out, he was already too busy working, them left Xmas morn at 9am for an hour job and came back 5 hours later...we missed lunch and I knew I had made a mistake
My husband is Exaclty the same. I have such a love of doing things and he is so boring it drags me down. So depressing!
Work a holics don’t stop when the debt is paid. Then they start saving for the kids inheritance. There is always another financial goal, more/bigger what ever.
There is nothing wrong with financial goals (they are great) as long as they are healthy balanced.
It sounds like there is no balance.