Hi sisters,
So my husband is set on a threesome....
When we first got together just under 19 years ago he always said it’s what he wanted I said oh one day to shut him up really, well he won’t drop it, I said I don’t feel comfortable with it, he is like it’s always how you feel not me. I said why is it so important he said to tick it off his bucket list. Lately he has been bringing it up again more and more and I am feeling the pressure. He has always been a very sexual person and I could never keep up if he had his way 6 days a week he would be happy and he is in his 40s so back year’s ago 2x 6 days a week. Most of our arguments are based on sex and he always tells me I don’t give him enough or I don’t show I love him. And it will be out of the blue, like love you babe he would say you could show me more or you must be cheating cause no one can go without sex that much. The pressure makes me want it less and the remarks he makes all the time feel belittling. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy but I feel I don’t for fill him by not wanting a threesome or need to have sex all the time, I am tired...
Husband wants a threesome in our 40s
Husband wants a threesome in our 40s
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
23 Replies
Your husband has a problem. He doesn’t really understand consent. He thinks he can just wear you down. Personally I’d be asking for marriage counselling, because he isn’t hearing you. If he decides he doesn’t want counselling it sounds like this relationship is doomed.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ
I agree.
No concept of boundaries, or consent. My husband seemed to think that because we were married, he had complete ownership of when we had sex, how often, wether I wanted to or did not.
If I said no? There goes any communication, any affection, any help with our kids. Just another form of wearing me down, so that I would give in and give him sex. Then I had a happy, contributing husband once more.
I now resent sex. I’ve been to counseling, but honestly, after living like this for years, I just don’t know what to do anymore, no amount of counseling is helping.
He has completely changed now, I have stood my ground time and time again. We have sex nowhere near as often as we use to but I no longer feel guilty for not giving it to him or for turning him down.
He knows I have a lower drive then him, he is learning to respect that, and he knows that now. You need to stand up for yourself.
His attitude sucks. 'Its always how you feel, what about me?' Thats the basis of consent.
Why does he want you to do something you don't want to do. So selfish where's his consideration for you.
I wanted a threesome for years and when I finally had one...it was just a total let down. Not very exciting at all. I would tell him to seek some counseling and also understand that some fantasies are best left as that...just a fantasy!
This post made me so grateful for my husband. This man sounds like a pig who isn't hearing you or doesn't care.
Your husband sounds like my ex husband. I am a very sexual human, however, my ex took it to a whole new level. Demanding things of me and expecting 3 somes because i am bisexual. I left him because he ended up cheating on me (because in his words “you wont let me have sex with another woman with you, so i did it on my own”).
Get some counselling or this will never be resolved. If you are not compatible and can’t resolve it in counselling, then it may be best to part ways.
You have to own part of this. You practically told him yes in the beginning and now it's coming back to bite you.
I also think since he bangs on about it so much, hes at the cusp of getting it elsewhere anyway soon, if he hasn't yet already.
Regardless of if she ‘practically told him yes’ or not she told him no in the end and a no always trumps the yes!
Just because I told the guy that raped me I might have sex later, doesn’t mean I really wanted to and when I said no he still had sex with me, and its called rape. I don’t have to ‘own part of it’ and nor should the OP.
I stand by what I said.
In the beginning of her relationship she told him they could have a 3sum. Then she went on to engage in a relationship with him, only for him to hold her to it.
Its nothing like being a rape you twat.
However, does not give him a reason to be a pig of a man and demand anything.
Dont say yes just to save face, if you bloody mean no! Because vile men like this will just take advantage. They are both wrong!
She was so eager to be with him that she told him yes. Big mistake! He needs to be fucked right off . Yes she is entitled to change her mind and has. But fuck, don't say yes if you fucking mean NO just to be with a guy!
He is a putrid pig , and needs to move on. She can do better.
In a way i agree. She doesnt have to do anything because she said maybe 15 years ago. She needs to draw new, firm lines. The answer now is a firm no, and pestering me to fuck someone else is offensive. He can make his decision about the future based on that.
You’re a putrid pig too. “Maybe one day” is not yes. People are allowed to change their mind and it’s not ok for you to put this on her. No means no. End of story.
Wow. Sooooo inappropriate! Potential experimentation spoken about almost 2 decades prior to marrying, promising to be faithful and creating a family hold no importance, social contract or obligation now. This is foul and abusive.
Which part Is 'foul and abusive'? Just a selection of what you want to pick out of a whole write up? Clearly the comment states he's not a nice person for this and you deserve better. Don't pick out what you want of a reply and ignore the rest. Leave his arse for this sort of pressure then, but don't say yes and lead people on when you knew all along you didn't mean it. You never wanted to 20 years ago but lied to him anyway that you did . Theres no change of mind from you as it was always a no from the start. He was lied to.
However, he has no right either to pressure you about it. He needs to stop it or leave. Both in the wrong.
Am I going to have to explain a 4th time after this?
The problem with this tgough, is that its these kinds of people who guilt someone by holding them to a maybe or possibly they said 2 decades ago, when we all agree there is never a verbal contract anyway and things clearly change. I understand what you are saying but what she said way back then really isn't relevant now and it speaks about his methods that he's calling on it.
I am with you on this one. She knew he wanted one from the beginning and she didn't say no I don't want one or maybe she said one day which implies a yes just not right now and of course he never stopped bringing it up. She also knew he had a high sex drive and married him anyway and now is complaining about it.
100% he should not be pressuring her and that is not okay.
So they are both playing their own part in this situation.
I’m just going to say I am extremely grateful to have a partner who doesn’t nag or complain.
Be clear that the answer is NO. No amount of nagging will change that and if he feels he needs to go elsewhere it says more about him than it does about you.
Doesn’t sound like things are going that well with the sexual pressure, etc. I would be looking into that a bit deeper.
I’m gathering he wants another woman. I would challenge him by saying only with another man and if that doesn’t fly then you can say “Hmm.. well how is that different?!”
If you’re willing to go ahead with threesome make sure you control every aspect from when, with whom, any contracts, etc xx
I don't want to sound mean so I am going to try so hard not to.
You said he has asked for one since you got together and that he has always had a high sex drive. You also said you would give him a threesome. So he went into this relationship with the idea that it would happen eventually. You went into this relationship knowing all of this and now years later you are complaining about it.
I understand you thought things would change but why? Why did you think it would change? Did you think you could change him? That he would grow out of it?
I also understand that the pressure fucking sucks and it is not okay to make you feel like shit about it. But also on your side, you knew he had a high sex drive from the beginning and you still married him. His love language is obviously physical touch and probably sex. There is nothing wrong with that, there is something wrong with the way he is approaching it though.
You need to find a compromise. What about an open relationship? He would be able to satisfy his sexual needs AND he wouldn't pressure you, you wouldn't have to hear about it and you could have sex when you want without the added pressure of giving him more than you can give.
I would seriously consider introducing sex toys to spice things up first..there are some great products out now and the best thing is as you can get something that pleasures you and that might excite you both (works for my hubby) we have found they have helped us to try new things together and we can leave the threesome to fantasy and porn watching lol
I had a similar thing with my husband a few years ago...he wanted anal sex but I said no. Once about 16 years ago I gave in and let him try but it hurt too much and I made him stop. A few years ago he kept trying again and even whinged that if I didn't let him do it he would never get to experience it his whole life. Bad luck buddy, I dont want to do it so you'll either have to accept it or leave.
Asking is ok, communication about what you want is good but once the answer is no he needs to accept that
Threesomes are for when U are single, I've only ever seen them destroy relationships. Your husband is going to be extremely disappointed as they aren't as exciting as most people think, imo.
DIVORCE
Me and hubby have been together 10 years, so half your together time. In the begining, same questions all came up 3sums etc at the time my response was 'Yeah! One day!' Too, your young carefree, no family together, no real commitment to one another etc but as time went on I think we realised what we could loose by doing it, we have since talked about it.
For me its bucket list stuff too and would like to give it a red hot crack, before we are too old and wrinkly 😂 but I'm a very insecure person and hubby knows this and accepts that our relationship wouldnt survive if it went through, his words 'I'd rather have you, than the experience and loose our life'
Then i research and read up things, mostly I found unless it comes from the woman really wanting the 3sum, the realtionship ends badly. If the relationship starts off being open it can succeed but introducing can end badly again..
Also one of my mums friends when i was younger, had a 3sum with her husband and her friend, she left her husband to be with her friend 😂 now a very happy lesbian 💕
Now his whole behaviour and attitude... Not okay and not healthy, I'm sorry 😔 please seek sex therapy for help? Perhaps an open relationship, if your down for that? Otherwise I think you guys may have reached the end of your time together? At the end of the day, you both deserve to be happy in life xxx