I have a wonderful boyfriend, we have been together for 9 months and for most of that time I have made his life so difficult by picking fights because of insecurities I have. He tells me I am beautiful and I tell him he is a liar, I have trust issues and make him the criminal when infact he has done nothing wrong. I spent ten years with a man who never complimented me nor really doted on me and so I created this behaviour where I would pick fights just to get a reaction out of him. Fast forward a few years later and this destructive behaviour is hurting me and my current boyfriend. I love this man dearly but I keep hurting him. I know my behaviour is not normal. I have no self worth, I don't feel good enough for him. I do suffer from depression but I just want to be happy. He is awesome with my children and he stays with me because he loves me....I don't know what to do to become a better person...I feel so lost.
5 Replies
If your not going to counselling or seeing a psychologist then go to one. Don't stop going when it gets hard or uncomfortable (my psych said a lot of people give up because they aren't prepared for the uncomfortable feelings that can come up) I found cognitive behaviour therapy extremely helpful as it helped me challenge my wrong thinking and change my behaviour (I wasn't in the same situation but still applies I think). It's hard work and you have to be prepared to challenge your thoughts and be very self aware (at first I found it exhausting) but the changes for me have been awesome, life changing!
Im struggling with being to negative well atm. I have found that I need to stop and take a breath before I respond and remind myself to say thankyou...nothing else just thankyou.
We are all tought in our society that we sould be modest but some of us take it to far and it becomes learned behavior to put ourselves down immediately after someone says something positive. It is hard to remember but its worth a shot. Its amazing how soon you start to believe that they might just be right, I am actually beautiful, smart, a great mum...
Also pick something, start with one, that you love about your body or your mind (I started with my boobs) and tell yourself every day when you look in the mirror that this one thing about you is amazing or beautiful. Tell yourself until you believe it, then pick something else and keep going untill you can see what the man who loves you already knows is true... You are beautiful!
I would definitely look into counseling as well. It can be very hard to move past things that those we love, or have loved, do to us.
Good luck and stay positive x
You have to begin by learning to accept compliments. Instead of saying no i am not when you he says you are beautiful. You have to say 'Thank You, you are very lucky to have landed a beauty'. Small steps that will increase your confidence each and every day. If people compliment you about anything all you have to say is Thank you, and thats it. good luck.
You dont need to become better, you need to realise how great you already are! Say thank you! He loves you & sees all the best in you, even if you dont right now, so smile & say thank you, I love how you love me.
Having struggled with the exact same thing for 40 years (!!) seen countless therapists, done courses etc, I would say that the 'cure' doesn't come quickly, nor by trying to change behaviours simply because you know they are not serving you well. I believe the change will come only with healing the hurt from the moment when your sense of low self-worth was defined.
I have recently been blessed with an insight into why I feel worthless and it came to me unbidden, in a quiet moment when I wasn't trying to find it. I remembered my mum telling me (drunk one night) that my father had abused my half sister, and that she had told him that she hoped one day that he would have a daughter too, and that something like that would happen to her, so that he would know how it felt.
I was that daughter, and even though, that didn't happen to me, I spent my life waiting and expecting it to happen. I saw that as the defining moment of my sense of self worth, or lack there-of. My mum had (unconsciously) told me that I deserved to have bad stuff happen to me and I believed it all my life.
I have since realised that in my primary relationships I fear so much the negative that might be the 'bad thing' that will happen that I react to every single little negative in a fight/flight way. I store these anxieties up to the point where I can't bear them any longer and pick a fight just so I can get emotional release and hopefully, in the making up, the reassurance that I am worth staying with.
Perhaps you have a defining moment in your past, where you were made to feel not worthy as a child. I would encourage you to think about that, and if there was one, try to heal it in whatever way works for you. I would encourage you to become aware of how your triggers feel on/in your body and observe them when they come up, rather than hating them and freaking out.
I truly wish you so much luck and love on this difficult journey, I know it can feel so lonely and hard to understand and get understanding. I am thinking of you sister, and willing it all to work out for you. XXX