Im in a horrible predicament.
Early this year my fiancé, that I’ve been with for 13 years, and I had a huge fight about something he should not have done, he betrayed me and lied to me for a year. We ‘sort of’ broke up.
My world was upside down. I was an absolute mess. It made me question a lot about our entire relationship. How he reacted to the mess I was, was underwhelming. He didn’t show that he really cared that I was so hurt.
I have a male best friend who I’ve known since I was 6 years old. He was there for me through the whole thing. We were already extremely close as it was but our bond has only gotten stronger over the past 9 months. I felt myself drifting away from my fiancé (even though we’re trying to make it work) and getting closer and closer to my friend.
I know this sounds like my friend is doing wrong by me, taking advantage of me in a vulnerable state etc, but for the purposes of keeping this reasonably short, he by no means had done such a thing. He was nothing but supportive and a pure friend from the very beginning that didn’t try anything with me. BUT, I did start feeling much stronger feelings for him a few months ago and to be honest, I can’t stop thinking about him. I told him how I felt and he let it be for a while until I mentioned it again. We had a conversation about it and he admitted he’d been in love with me for years but never wanted that to get in the way of my fiancé and I, or in the way of our friendship.
He has never had a serious girlfriend (he used to travel a lot) and he has never loved anyone but me before.
I’m now unsure where to go. I love him. I know I do. He’s amazing in every way. Such a gentle soul and kind person that has a big heart. He makes me feel so special and warm and loved. Our connection feels so real. It’s overwhelming. There’s nothing physical apart from cuddling while watching movies etc (which is something we have always done anyway) but the difference is the feeling I nos get when we’re in each other’s arms. I honestly can’t describe it. It feels like home.
I’m still with my fiancé though. I’ve told him that I need to feel more from him, that I need to know that he really loves me. I know he does, but he just has a terrible way of showing it. He knows I require more from him during this time but he’s not really doing much about it. It makes me feel like he doesn’t really care if we stay together or not.
I love him dearly and I want to be with him, but I don’t know how to work out if I want to be with my friend more. Fiancé and I have so much history together, so much invested, so many good times and we still do get along wonderfully for the most part. It’s just romantically, I feel as though it’s almost my fiancé that is my best friend, and my best friend that is my fiancé.
How on earth do I work out what to do?
Do I love them both? Yes.
Do I want to be with them both? Yes.
Am I confused because I don’t know if this is just the ‘honeymoon’ feeling you get at the start or if it really is as genuinely real and meant to be as it feels? Yes.
Am I scared of leaving my fiancé and potentially ruining a wonderful relationship? Yes.
Do either of them deserve me doing this to them? No.
Am I going crazy? Absolutely.
Do I need your help? From the bottom of my heart, yes please.
Edit: I would love explore a poly relationship but I spoke to my fiancé about that and he was 100% against it. My best friend though was willing to give it a shot if it meant I would be happy.
I just need advice on how to work out what to do.
Thank you so much in advance.
31 Replies
Any kids involved?
No children involved
I think it’s got to the point of no return where you have no choice but to explore things with the best friend, because if you don’t, you will never be happy with the fiancé and you’ll always wonder.
Having said that, I think you’ve known for a very long time, even if subconsciously that your best friend had feelings, but you chose to not pursue it. I think there’s a reason you didn’t, because you didn’t feel it. I dont think you actually love the best friend, I think you just love the ways he loves you and makes you feel. He’s giving you what is missing in your partner.
When you add a new person to the dynamic, the current partner is never going to measure up, because the new is fun and exciting, it’s an unfair comparison.
Yes I think you’re vulnerable, feeling unloved and the best friend is filling that void. I think you will regret it but I also think you can’t stay with your current partner whilst you think you have all these feelings for someone else.
In the end, I don’t think it will work with the best friend and your fiancé most likely won’t take you back, so you’ll end up with neither. But that’s okay, being single is probably something you’ll need to be for a while because it’s likely that neither are right for you but I do think you need to see how this plays out to move forward. Good luck
Also, how long has he been your fiancé, why haven’t you married after thirteen years?
That's really an irrelevant question - there's lots of reasons for a long engagement; finances, location, family issues, jobs, kids coming into the picture... etc. I was engaged for 9 years before we married. Didn't mean we did not want to, just stuff got in the way
It’s actually a really relevant question. Are they putting it off because life got in the way, or could they not commit to the idea of together forever.
Haha, i love how you think nothing really counts if you're not actually married.
It just shows the level of commitment.
People who aren’t into marriage, fine, just a piece of paper, they’re happy without it.
But people who are engaged, means they believe in the sanctity of marriage, so just asking why they haven’t followed through.
May be for a variety of reasons, but most people prioritise what is important to them.
I knew a woman who forced her partner to propose about ten years ago, been together 20 years, they’re still engaged.
When I am truly in love with someone, in the early days, I talk about how intelligent, creative, good person, integrity, kindness, strength, great father, sense of humour, insert any adjective here as to why I love them. You wrote: he makes me feel special and loved, thats not love, that’s a selfish codependency.
I also don’t think he’s taking advantage of you, I think it’s you taking advantage of him.
All these years you’ve held onto him, stopped him from moving on, the kind thing to do when you got married would have been to end the friendship. Now the marriage falls apart and you lean on him. I hope you were 100 percent sure of your feelings when you told him how you felt because this man could get really hurt. You’re playing with the feelings of a man that has loved you from a distance for years, don’t use him as rebound or a warm body, be very, very careful what you confess and promise to this man.
We’re 27 and we’ve had a lot of struggles over the years financially, with health, family etc. We have been engaged for 2 and were going to elope this month actually but between what happened at the start of the year and Covid, that didn’t happen.
I see you changed your post, he’s such a gentle soul etc.
Didn’t get the answers you wanted?
Now that I know you’re 27, not married yet, no kids, I think you’ve outgrown the relationship with the fiancé.
You are young, it explains why you cuddle up to another man on the couch, you sound a little bit immature to be honest.
Set your fiancé free, have a go with the best friend, life is short, you have nothing connecting you to the fiancé, you can make a clean break and if it doesn’t work with best friend, you’ll be okay.
Don’t stay in something because it’s all you know.
But be sure before you commit to the best friend, that you’re doing it for the right reasons, not for an ego boost, consider other people’s feelings as well as your own.
I would suggest being alone for a little bit, don’t monkey branch from one relationship to the next, it’s never healthy, get to know yourself a bit.
I’m sure the best friend is willing to wait, he’s waited many years already.
Stop trying to make the fiancé work for your love, because nothing he does will be good enough when you have eyes for someone else.
Good Luck.
I think you need to ask yourself what is it about you that makes you want to be with someone who treats you badly and doesn’t meet your needs.
You have history with both men. History doesn’t equal a healthy relationship though. What the point of a best friend that you have to break up with?
Either way you are going to have to stop seeing one of them completely. I know there is no way I’d be hanging around in a relationship where I have to keep demanding they show me how they feel.
Does that necessarily mean that your friend will turn out to be the guy for you? Time will only tell. But he had just as much time and history with you as your ex.
I think you really need to examine your thinking here.
Thank you for your advice, it’s greatly appreciated.
You don’t love him, you love that he is showing you interest and it’s new. Take a break from both men and figure out what YOU want.
Thank you for your advice. I appreciate the lack of judgement
Leave your fiance. Look at it from his point of view, there's no getting through this now. You wouldn't want to marry someone to the find out all this was happening behind your back. And you told him you need more from him. Gaslighting at its best. You'll never work it out and he'll never be enough but he might not know why until its too late. Don't play with someone like that. Don't marry him for god's sake, you'll destroy him.
All her emotional energy is directed to another man and she tells current partner to show her more love? She isn’t even present in this relationship, that poor man. Talk about pot kettle black.
After 13 years the least he deserves is to end it with some dignity. Not like this.
The guy did wrong by her. Let’s not forget that.
So leave him. If hes done what she's done I bet she would leave him. When you've got 2 on the line, you really think someone else could take the place of your guy that easily, it's already over.
Another point, look up the five love languages, maybe your fiancé has a different one to you and your best friend, doesn’t mean he’s bad at expressing his love, just different.
I think every adult should read it, very useful.
Asking your fiancé to open up your relationship, if he’s not into that lifestyle, would pretty much be a knife to the heart, don’t think he will stick around much longer anyway, if he has any self esteem left.
OMG I could have written this post myself! My situation is so similar but I'm married. We separated this year and I was seeing an old friend. Now I'm in love with both of them and absolutely torn.
I can't even offer any advice but I hope it works out for you.
Sounds to me like your staying with your fiance because you have built a life together and you love him. History and love is not all there is to a relationship for me. You need so much more and wether your friend can give it to you or not you deserve more then your finance! If a woman stayed with her partner that abused her because she loved him and they had been through alot together you would absolutely tell her that's not enough and to leave.
I left a relationship with someone I absolutely loved my world was crushed we had been through so much together and he was and still is a nice person. People were so shocked when we broke up nothing happened we didn't fight we were best friends and he felt like a house mate. He just didn't want to put the extra effort in, he didn't tell me I looked beautiful when I got dressed up, never brought me coffee in bed, never planned a date ( I did all of these things for him, hoping he would do it back). I was worried I would never meet someone and get married and have kids young too.
A year after we broke up I met a man got engaged after 3 months, got married in under two years and had a baby not long after the wedding. He is amazing and we are a team. This morning I woke up to a coffee in bed, our daughters bottles made for the day and he said drive careful beautiful. I know that's not much and not everything but it made my day, it's the small things, years later he is still the man I fell in love with. Other times I will do the same things for him. When one is down the other picks up the slack and we don't think twice.
I'm telling you, you both deserve more! Think about what you want from a partner and go from there. Everything will be okay in the end.
I have been in this situation for 8 years.
I have been married to my husband for 3 years (together for 8). When I met him, I had a friendship that I was wanting to explore a relationship with. We were both young and never able to take the next step (long story), so I got together with my husband.
I still have feelings for my friend and he has feelings for me. It was never the right time for us. But I knew who was right for me and made it stick.
You already know what the right choice for you is. Good luck.
This was me when I was 24 except I was married- we were together 9 years, no kids. He did something to break my trust and I fell in love with our mutual friend.
It took me a long time to decide what to do and in the end I think I was reluctant to make a decision because I didn’t want to hurt my husband.
10 years later, 3 beautiful kids and a very happy (second) marriage and I made the right decision.
Go with your friend, you’ve outgrown your fiancé and he had probably outgrown you too x
I think it's time to leave your fiance. Take things slow with your friend. Good luck!
“He betrayed me and lied to me for a year.” I think you know who the right person for you is, but you’re just stuck in the idea and habit of your fiancée. Your “best friend” is exactly what a life partner should be.
I've been there... I had a best friend (let's call him A)... things just never fell into place at the right time but he was always there in between my relationships. We were spending a fair bit of time together for a while and then he went overseas and that's when I met the kids dad (let's call him B). I fell pregnant and lost the baby just before he went and i never told him. I questioned whether after all that time we had never ended up together so would it ever happen because i didnt want it forced. I also didn't hear from him for the first 3 months he was gone and figured he needed to move on... I ended up with B only to finally hear from A and find out that the distance had made him realise he wanted to be with me. I ended up deciding it wasn't worth looking one to try with the other if I was only to find that wasn't going to work. At my wedding A was there and actually I left my wedding with A because B decided to run back to his mum's with his brother and get his stuff he left there lol
I had another friend (we will call him C) who I had known since I was 17 too but we were best mates but always laughed and said we could never be together but he was like a godfather to my kids. He was always there. Even when my marriage started to go downhill.
Well B and I divorced. C was always there. A and I tried to explore things but after 3 months we called it a day he ended up going overseas again and meeting someone and they married and now have 2 kids. He's happy and we chat every now again.
And then I went through it all again... C was always there and he went through a horrible breakup of his own with his fiancee and we were there for each other. I was raising the kids on my own and he was always there helping me. We were pretty much in a relationship but he was scared to call it that and he couldn't see past the not wanting to hurt me and the kids if it backfired. Things were way too good and just perfect. But we had both been through a lot. He was looking for that spark and we just fitted so easily it developed over time. So in the end I had to walk away and keep our friendship and put my feelings for him aside.
He met someone and they got married. Hurt like heck but he was happy and he was my best mate and that's all I could have hoped for him.
I met an amazing man too and he was happy for me.
But time has shown true colours and he now admits that what we had was what he wanted. And I still feel like I've settled for second best. But we have also agreed that we chose our paths and we will always be best friends but we need to work on what we have with our partners because that's what we chose and we can't ruin that wondering what could have been. He loves his wife and I love my man but we will always love each other too and be best friends and be there for each other.
To be honest hun if you truely loved your fiancee you wouldnt have caught feeling for your best friend...i think you should let your fiancee go so he has the chance of true love also...you are in love with your best friend and all 3 of you deserve happiness and being stuck is on prolonging you all from moving on...best of luck to you all.
I dont agree. I had a similar situation. I absolutely loved my partner with everything I had but was also in love with a friend. It never affected my relationship but it was there.
I do agree with her needing to leave the current relationship so he too can have a chance to find love elsewhere though.
Similar predicament. In love with two people, chose one. Were together 9 years. In that 9 years no growing was done it was like a stand still of time. I rarely seen the other person as I knew my feelings were strong and he felt the same so we both stayed away. The last 2 years of that 9 year relationship were spent with me trying to work it out and getting nothing in response. I reconnected with other person at a wedding a week before we had a planned concert, that my partner refused to attend with me so I asked the friend, and we both just felt at home and I decided that was it. Life is too short. I left my partner and me and my friend started officially dating a month later. We've been happy ever since and have grown so much just in that short time. I honestly wish I had realised sooner that my other relationship was going nowhere. I mean he (my ex) was and still is a fantastic person and will always be in my heart but as a relationship I need growth and he didn't offer that. That feeling of home is what you want.