So my youngest child (11yo) is finishing Primary school in 3 weeks. She's had a pretty tough year (as have most kids) but even more so as she has been bullied quite a lot since school returned in May/June (qld). My daughter is not all the usual reasons kids are bullied. She's not disabled, she's not fat, she doesn't have acne, etc. In one of the most saddest instances, a boy asked her to go out with him and she said no (nothing wrong with that when you're 11 or 111!) and then afterwards in group chats on social media, he's called her a wanker, a slut, fat, ugly, etc, etc, because she hurt his feelings.
This is just the tip of the iceberg with what she's endured online from some of her peers this year. Because of the bullying, my daughter has been given a mental health plan and started seeing a psychologist, who has informed us that she has been self-harming as a result of the anxiety the bullying has caused. As a parent, it's heartbreaking.
And so, it just so happens that the mother of the boy who my daughter rejected is organising the year 6 breakup party (not an official school function, but the school has approx 100 year 6 kids). A facebook group was set up so parents could be informed about the breakup party. A friend added me, and then the mother of the bully (organiser of the party) removed me from the group. According to my friend that added me initially, the mother thought that her son (the bully) would be uncomfortable with my daughter being present at the party.
(Lets all take a minute to think about his feelings ....)
How do I stand up for my daughter in this instance?
She may decide not to go, but I think she she should be allowed that choice? She already feels like everyone hates her most of the time, and being excluded like this (by an adult no less) is so heartbreaking to stand by and watch. I thought about crashing the party, but that's immature and embarrassing for everyone!.
24 Replies
Wow this is horrible. Did you tell the school about the bullying? I know you say it was online but schools usually want to know about it if they're serious about bullying because it continues on at school. I would let the school know everything that's happening and suggest an all inclusive gathering of some kind. The mother of the boy is disgusting, I would feel obliged to screen shot his chats and post them all over her stupid group, she obviously is treating him like the victim going by her comment. His high school years are going to be interesting if she keeps that up.
Yes we have told the school about the bullying. My daughter even sees the school counsellor regularly because of what has been happening. And yes, I've thought about telling the school and trying to organise something else.
I have a kid in grade 6 also, their leavers celebration is also being organised by parents. I'd flip my lid if I found out certain kids were being excluded.
Thankfully our event was organized by decent human beings.
I'm actually furious for your daughter!
I'd let the principal know this is happening.
The school may not be organising it but it's being labeled as a grade 6 leavers party which affiliates the school regardless.
A. That's really not okay, period.
B. It reflects very poorly on the school and they will not like that.
It either needs to be rebranded as a private get together or if it remains a "leavers" event, every child in that grade needs to be given the opportunity to attend.
I don't really even know what else to say! I'm at an actual loss for words that adults could be so cruel.
I really hope your daughter finds her tribe at high school next and can move on without all these horrible people she's encountered in primary school.
Just want to put it out there, my daughter has disabilities and hasn’t been bullied, she has some pimples too.
So basically what you said was, there’s nothing WRONG with my kid, so they shouldn’t be bullied. Urghhh, what a shitty attitude.
Literally not at all what she said! She said those are the targets that bullies would usually single out. She not once said that it was right.
She's listed kids she thinks should expect to get bullied compared to her idea of 'normal' kids that don't. She could remove the whole part. Nobody deserves to be bullied and any body can be a victim.
No child should be bullied, you are reading a post and making it say something completely different than what was posted. Op never said children with disabilities should be bullied, she simply stated that bullied generally bully people that they deem an easy target, it also gives reference to what her child is being bullied for.
Yeah, that definitely didn't come across well. I don't think (or at least I hope) it wasn't intended in the insulting way it was delivered.
This mum is hurting for her child so maybe she could be forgiven for not exactly having the best outlook on things at the moment.
She doesn’t say they should be bullied and I don’t think she believes that but she implies her child is superior to those kids that are fat, disabled, have acne etc. even asked out by a boy so is bewildered why she gets picked on. It’s subtle, but it’s definitely there, an air of arrogance/superiority. Maybe her kid has a similar outlook, who knows?
As a parent of a child who's been relentlessly bullied for a good 12 months, I think sometimes we try and pinpoint a reason why this is or isn't happening just to make any sense of it.
I honestly think this is what the Op was doing, it just came across a bit...dickish.
On the other side of it, I went to a school where bullying was a severe problem.
I've seen kids be bullied for the colour of their shoelaces, for the type of hat they were wearing, because their parents WEREN'T divorced, for being rich, for being poor.... There's no such thing as "usual" reasons for bullying because most of the time it's just totally illogical.
My apologies if I've offended anyone. I certainly wasn't trying to come across as dickish! I have a friend with a disabled daughter who has been excluded from things her whole life. I was called chubby in high school because, yes I was a bit overweight (pizza from tuckshop was so yum lol!) In a perfect world, noone would be bullied, made fun of, excluded etc. But it happens in our imperfect world. All I was trying to convey was that I am at a loss as to why my baby girl has been treated so meanly. All I was trying to express was that typically arsehole bullies usually target kids that are (amongst so many other things) fat, skinny, pimply, disabled, black, white, has a lisp, etc. No there is nothing wrong with these kids! And yes to one of the other posters - My daughter has also been labled a rich bitch because her dad has a two storey house. Again, sorry if I've offended anyone, was simply just asking for advice.
Please don’t apologies, it was pretty easy to understand what you were trying to say. Some women, just like the children at you kids school just love to make others tell horrible.
Feel*
Oh FFS! Not everyone in this world has the vocabulary or time to sit around and make sure their formation of sentences doesn't offend those people sitting around waiting to be offended. Get a fkn life lol
But so many people WANT to be offended these days.
Look at meism.
I wouldn't let her go. She'll feel uncomfortable and that's not fair. If the mother invited and set up a group for a party but then removed you, I think, to me, I'd be saying to my daughter we will go do something she wants. Whether you take her to a theme park or whatever, you can do that and invite some of her genuine friends to attend.
It will get out sooner or later what happened and parents talk. So when they ask you, tell them what happened and why.
I wouldn't interfere in their party. I would make it clear that excluding one child is flat out immature and disgusting. Then go celebrate her success elsewhere.
I wouldn’t be letting her go. If the child is this horrible and the mother is this immature, then you could only imagine how she would be treated if she was to go. Take her out for dinner and something fun after. I’m truly sorry your daughter is going through this. Bullies are horrible and as you can see from this page, and comments on this post. It’s not just children that like to make parole feel horrible. Some people obviously never grow out of it.
Agreed.
First I'd get the school to have a discussion with the boy and mum.
Is the boy going to be uncomfortable if your daughter is there? If not - happy days. If so, the grownups need to support him to be a fair bit more resilient or life is going to fuck him royally.
Is mum helicopter parenting? I'd think for this level of exclusion the school would notify all relative parents that the exclusion of any student makes it poor form to plan on attending regardless of who is organising it or if it's official.
Then, when they're good and stirred up, still don't go, still do something fabulous like a really nice dress up dinner for her and her friends as a "graduation party".
It's a hard one. This exclusion can and will follow her for life. Friendship groups and school are only the start of it. All you're really going to able to achieve here is the resilience to identify it for what it is, the self awareness to reflect on whether it could be caused by her own behaviours and modify where needed, and the wisdom to know when it's not her and has no bearing on her worth what a bully thinks she should or shouldn't do/say/see etc.
Is the whole grade invited other than your daughter? If so, speak to the school. Is it at their house or a public venue?
Please get your daughter out of that school!
You will see how much better she is for it. As parents we think we’re not teaching them resilience and grit if we move or leave. But your daughter is suffering. Please consider moving her and starting fresh. My daughter couldn’t be happier once we moved her and it was the best decision we could of made. As an adult if we worked somewhere that we were bullied or excluded or hurt daily we’d leave. Children deserve the same. My only regret was I didn’t do it sooner while I waited for things to get better. Bullies only get better at getter meaner!
Please consider 2021 her best year and make the move to a new school where she can make new friends and enjoy her highschool years.
Agree with others, talk to the school about it. Or go all out and go to the media citing Dolly and other teen suicides by bullying.
Ignore it let it go and get your daughter off social media. I can not believe how many young kids are on social media!! get her off it. This is ridiculous & don’t let her go to the party either way, keep her away from all thei toxic behaviour! The mother is obviously a bitch and many others won’t go anyway. It shows that the kid is like this because he is raised like that! Ignore it all and show your daughter how to ignore it all. Don’t let it get to you but get off off social media, it’s how bullies reach out after school hours and it’s sickening! put a stop to it and don’t stoop to anyone’s level. Block, ignore and move on from it. Next year she will have new friends and be in high school.
You haven’t said if you have spoken to the mother. My advice would be to pop round to see her. This way she can’t deleted you in person or hang up on you. And ask her how and why her son would feel uncomfortable. And then explain that no matter how old her son is sexual harassment isn’t acceptable, or maybe this is what her and the father teach their son. Because essentially he was rejected and is now on a campaign of harassment towards your daughter. Now you seem like a level headed person so I don’t think you would actually feel like that but I think with ignorant people like this boys mother a confrontational and shocking tactic is what’s needed. If she won’t reprimand her son for his poor behaviour and willingly displays similar behaviour herself then throw a jab her way. Two wrong done make a right and all that, yada yada, but enough is enough. Accountability is something that isn’t applied much these days.