Hi mums,
I’m really in some need of advice as I feel like I’ve tried everything with my oldest child who is almost 12 and nothing seems to work.
He is so disrespectful to not only myself and partner which is his dad and also his siblings who are young. He complains every afternoon when he gets home from the minute he walks through the door. He says things like ‘I hate this house’ which we are renting a beautiful home. He says it’s not the house it’s because we don’t live 10-20 minutes out of town mind you he still catches a bus to school.
He will speak so horribly not just the ‘I hate you’ he says thing like he’s embarrassed of his dad and myself and that he would rather sell everyone in our house for $10,000 each and the list goes on. The words that come out of his mouth absolutely shock me most of the time and I just don’t know how to move forward.
I’ve tried sitting down and talking with him calmly, I’ve tried ignoring him even tried taking away electronics ect and nothing works cause we are doing the same thing everyday he gets home. He’s only allowed his ps4 on weekends and has an iPad to go on during the week. And he’ll then annoy his siblings because he isn’t getting his own way.
He tells me we don’t provide for him which we have not only nice things but everything we need in a household. All the kids have clothes on their back, food in their stomach, power, internet and so many toys it’s ridiculous. I sit up most night wandering what I’ve done wrong and how else I can help because I don’t have any other way to try to help him. I’m just wandering if this is a stage he’s going through? And will it pass? Or is this something that will just keep going on?
Will it get any easier?
Will it get any easier?
Posted in:
Kids, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
15 Replies
Welcome to the world of entitled teenagers.
Honestly if he has a nice life and everything he wants why would he know how lucky he is? Does your family talk about world issues? Do you volunteer and talk about homelessness? Do you make a point of donating toys at Christmas to kids who don’t have anything?
I don’t mean lecture, I mean have family discussions about world issues.
But he’s not truly going to get it until he is older and the real world.
Yes we’ve definitely had family discussions on world issues and homelessness. Even about a lot of other families or kids who would love to have the things we have and how much we should appreciate everything we do have. I think he’s still young and immature so doesn’t truly understand everything we talk about.
I have a child the same age, I’m a single mum with a mortgage, my place is tiny.
My son doesn’t have everything, we don’t always have a huge cupboard of food, just enough, he doesn’t have a lot of clothes and mostly only gets gifts at Christmas or birthdays. But you know what, he appreciates what he does have. He doesn’t ask for a lot and he knows the prices of things so never requests anything he knows I can’t afford. Your child sounds spoilt, this goes beyond the usual first world child spoilt, you need to get back to basics. Real basic. Why would he appreciate anything if he has so many things?
As the above poster talked about, we also talk about world issues in our house.
Yes I definitely get that 100% I only had my mum growing up and I was thankful for everything we had because I knew how hard she worked for everything we’ve had. I always tel him how lucky he is to have both mum and dad around cause not everyone has that. I agree he definitely is spoilt. There is a huge age gap between him and his younger siblings(one being 9 months the other being 2 years old) so I think he still is used to everything being about him. I’m going to take all electronics away so he understands this behaviour isn’t acceptable and only when he has shown respect to myself and siblings will he earn them back and if the behaviour continues start back again to not having anything.
That’s a big change in his little world, two little siblings, makes sense now.
I'd be pulling back all technology until he can learn some respect. Yes he's not going to like it, he'll give you attitude, probably throw some things around, but it won't last long. If he wants them back he has to "earn" them back!
I do this with my children, you can guarantee the attitude changes within hours, the earliest they get a device back is after 24hrs. They get in trouble again for the same thing the time doubles.
This is a great idea. I think taking away electronics until respect is shown will work some sort of magic well I can only hope so.
I have had one of my kids go through this and it turned out he was getting severely bullied at school and on the bus home. We moved and things improved heaps, he is now a very polite and caring 19 year old who has guilt trips over the way he acted. It was a long road though. If this isn't a new behaviour and he is the bully at school then you have no other choice but to get tough with this kid. It will get better eventually but you can't let him win at putting you and your husband down.
Also, there's no other influential adult or other child in his life filling his head with stuff is there? Sometimes if they are being made to feel like a victim because of supposed poor treatment or wrong doings they can use that as ammo to act out. Example Aunty Jas constantly telling James he is being neglected because his Mum won't let him have his own room and giving sympathy, James then feels as though he has been poorly treated and starts demanding his own room. I've seen that happen before too with my step child.
We moved to a new town last year and everything was going great. He’s very open about what happens at school ect he doesn’t say much about bullying he has a few words with some kids back and forth but not bullying from what he tells me. I’ve definitely been putting my foot down I. The last few weeks but feel like I’m getting nowhere with him. Everyday it is the same attitude and same problem.
Every talk I have with him just goes in one ear and out the other. No there’s no other family around where we have moved. The only thing I can think of is he tells friends at school ect that’s he’s so hard done by which he is far from it and they say things to him? I just feel defeated and miss my beautiful little boy and everyday wake up willing to try again and hope this is just a phase and will pass one day soon.
I have a daughter the same age and she doesn't act like this. It sounds exhausting : (
It’s very exhausting. Even after having talks and thinking it’s getting somewhere we are back to square one the next day. It’s so heart breaking
After reading your responses he sounds like he is a very unhappy boy. I’d be getting some mental health assessment done.
Hi OP, I have a 12 year old and some days it's like he is possessed and my beautiful boy changes into this cranky teen with no patience. Hormonal changes are normal at this stage so please keep this in mind and be a little less hard on yourself. The other possibility is he may be going through something e.g. be a little bit depressed. It may be about trying to find new ways to bond/communicate with him. I found asking my son about his game, songs, fav youtuber or what he is into has been a great starting point. I still hug him when he lets me and tell him I love him all the time as it's really important to remember he's still that little boy inside even if he is acting like he is so tough and hard. I focus more on getting my son to calm down when he is upset than on what he is saying in that moment. After he is calm I address what he has said and he usually feels pretty remorseful but I do not want him to hate himself for struggling with so many changes. So this is about having a chat and encouraging him to develop goals to work towards so that he is motivated to make the change. At this age it's not just all about consequences, he is starting to feel he wants more independence while still wanting to have a secure, loving place to come back to. Another consideration might be a team activity after school
Sounds like he is still angry about his siblings. I’ve heard of that happening before where they can’t get over how its not all about them. And probably because he’s now hitting puberty it’s just causing him to be extreme. Maybe he needs to earn his stuff back. Teach him some manners. Get him to do some chores to learn some responsibilities
I have a menopausal 12 year old. Loving one minute, swearing like a truck driver the next. Disrespectful and rude but so kind and caring. It will pass. Unfortunately hormones are playing a big part at the moment. I ignore the behaviour to a point but step in when necessary. He lost screen time for 2 days for acting like a prat but we have been talking about his behaviour. One thing I’ve learnt, if you take something away, stand your ground. If you don’t he will walk all over you. Good luck, stand strong. You got this.